Give Me 19 Minutes & You Will Know If It’s Time to Leave Your Relationship...
In a Nutshell
The video’s core message is: stop trying to change people by chasing their potential; judge them by their consistent patterns instead, and if those patterns remain unchanged, choose whether to accept the reality or leave. The key takeaways are to replace hope with observation, recognize that attempts to “fix” others are often covert control driven by your own fears, and practice radical acceptance—knowing you can love someone and still decide they’re not right for your life.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
People change when they're ready, not when you beg. People change when their patterns hurt them, not just you. People change when they're humbled by reality, not when they're pressured by others. People change when it costs them something, not just you. People change for themselves, not for your hope, not for your timeline, not for your pain.
This episode addresses what happens when people don't change. Many people see someone's potential and feel pain when they don't live up to it. Others want to change someone close to them, whether a parent, family member, or partner. The focus is on constantly trying to get a partner to upgrade or uplevel without success.
People don't reveal themselves through their words. People reveal themselves through their patterns.
Observe patterns and you will know the person. Ignore patterns and you will forever be in love with potential. People are patterns, and while people can change their patterns, patterns take a long time to change. Patterns hardwired in the mind, subconscious, and thoughts often require life-altering events to set new tracks, and this can be an extremely painful process.
The first point is that the illusion of potential is a projection of your own wound. When you fall for someone's potential, you're often falling for a version of them that only exists in your imagination or in your unfinished childhood needs. Think of someone you're trying to fix and ask yourself, "What unmet need in me is trying to be met through them?" Clarity starts there.
We let people treat us badly because we crave connection. We let people talk to us poorly because we'd rather not be alone. We let people walk all over us because we don't know how to stand for ourselves. When we do these things, we don't change them - we lose ourselves.
When you realize you can see someone's pattern, the question becomes: am I willing to stay here if the pattern remains the same? Am I willing to be present if they say they want to change? Often people say yes, but they're changing. The key is whether they've said they want to change, showed a plan, or committed to change. Small changes without vocalization or verbalization mean you're still living in imagination.
When dealing with family or a partner, first look at whether the situation is abusive, toxic, or highly emotionally manipulative - these must be taken very seriously. For situations that aren't clearly these, ask yourself how much you're willing to tolerate and be patient, and how much you're losing yourself in the process.
If someone repeatedly disrespects your time, disappears during hard moments, or breaks boundaries, that's who they are. When hoping for a partner to become more empathetic or less impulsive, the truth is revealed by what you're seeing, what they're doing, and how they're acting.
When someone says the right thing, you light up inside and think you've been waiting for them to say that. But you're not waiting for them to say it - you're waiting for them to show it.
Hope is not a strategy. Don't focus on promises. Focus on patterns.
Specific patterns to recognize:
- If someone repeatedly disrespects you, that's who they are (at least for now)
- If someone disappears when things get hard, that's who they are
- If someone breaks your boundaries and calls it love, that's who they are
- If someone lies to protect themselves, not your trust, that's who they are
- If someone makes you question your worth, that's who they are
- If someone only shows up when they need something, that's who they are
- If someone makes you feel crazy for having standards, that's who they are
- If someone constantly apologizes but never changes, that's who they are
- If someone expects grace but gives you none, that's who they are
They can change, but only if they want to.
A big part of us justifies people's bad behavior by saying they're great at this or wonderful in this way. People are always two things and can be so many things, but we must be careful not to sacrifice ourselves for too long. Many people do this and ten years later say they've lost themselves, don't know who they are, and don't have an identity. Measure how extremely you're not accepting someone for who they are.
Trying to change people often feels like care, but it's usually covert control. You're trying to manage their chaos so you don't have to face your fear of abandonment, disappointment, or uncertainty. Melody Beattie in her foundational work on codependency explains: "You can't force someone to be who they're not. You can only love them where they are or leave."
Next time you feel the urge to help someone change, pause and ask: "Am I doing this for them or to soothe my discomfort with their behavior?" It's a form of control, even when unconscious. You could really care, but underlying that is a care for yourself. You don't want to experience the emotions of letting them down, setting boundaries, or someone not liking you. So you'd rather shapeshift, mold, and change them to create a peaceful situation where you don't actually know each other.
We get enamored by someone's mind, words, aura, charisma, and personality but forget what real life looks like. Real life involves looking at bank balances and bills, waking up and going to sleep next to someone, coming home when bored and tired, talking when there's nothing exciting to discuss, and planning while waiting for vacation. The question is who you want to be in your life for the real things, not just the imaginative ones.
Radical acceptance, a DBT concept created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, is about fully accepting reality as it is, not as we wish it were. Most problems exist because of the gap between how we want life to be and how life actually is. This gap determines the amount of stress, pain, and anxiety experienced.
The goal isn't to lower expectations. It's to experience reality so better choices can be made. It's not about saying this is okay - it's saying this is what is and I get to choose how I respond.
You don't have to tolerate disrespect just because you know their trauma. You don't have to accept mistreatment to prove you're loving. You don't have to stay just because you see their potential. You can forgive someone and still walk away. You can see the good in them and still choose better for yourself. You can understand someone's pain and still protect your peace. You don't have to make excuses for behavior that's breaking you.
Tolerance doesn't mean letting someone walk all over you, take advantage of you, or disrespect you. It means understanding this is what it is and tolerating while making your decision to stay or go, to live through it or leave. You tolerate while figuring it out.
We stay because we're scared of being alone or hoping they'll change. Both options create more pain. Staying just because you don't want to be alone sets you up for more pain. Staying hoping they'll change also creates more pain.
When you know someone can change and want them to change, you can try introducing them to things that will help them change. You may see their potential, but you have to ask them if they see that potential.
Jay shares that when dating Radhi and even when married, he could see who she could become, then realized how selfish that was - it was a projection of his own insecurities or imagination, not selfless as it appeared. If you really want what's right for someone and love them, it's about asking them who they want to be, where they want to be, and what they want to be. That's love and selflessness.
For behaviors like not doing chores, not taking responsibility or accountability, or not helping at home, they may never change. It's up to you to decide whether you're willing to live in that space. Leaving is hard and letting go is hard, but you must realize this is what you're signing up for.
The Pygmalion effect shows that people perform better when high expectations are clearly communicated, but this only works when there's mutual investment. You're not a sculptor, you're the soil. You can be nourishing but cannot will a plant to grow. If they don't want the light, your sunshine will burn them. You can offer support but can't provide transformation. You can't be someone's guru, guide, or teacher unless they allow you to be.
People change more by the people around them than by someone telling them what to do. If you're around high achievers, you'll feel like becoming a high achiever. If you're around people who take care of their health, you'll feel like taking care of your health. If you're around people who gossip and talk negatively, you'll do the same. We're defined by the people we're around.
To change yourself or someone else, change who they're around rather than telling them the right thing, sending articles, or educating them. Take them to another space and allow them to experience it - that's where change occurs.
Sometimes the most loving choice is to let go. Sometimes the deepest form of love is saying, "I see you clearly now and I release you with compassion."
Research in the Journal of Positive Psychology shows that people who practice disengagement coping - letting go of unchangeable people or situations - report higher well-being and less depression than those who continue trying to fix. People are not yours to fix, solve, or change.
Instead of disrespecting them, start with distance. If distance doesn't work, then disconnect. Often we stay close to people with judgment, criticism, and complaining, only making ourselves far away from them.
Rumi once asked why people shout when they're angry. When fighting with someone, you're physically close, but we shout because our hearts are far apart. Even when physically close, we can be emotionally far, shouting to get the message across. But no one has ever changed because someone shouted at them or complained to them. People change when they realize that if they didn't, their life would fall apart.
Sometimes expectations of others are completely unrealistic, and trying to change the other person creates more issues than connecting with them would. In any relationship - professional, personal, or romantic - you need to know your priorities and preferences. Priorities are things you don't negotiate with. Preferences are things that are nice to have but may not always be there.
People also go through seasons. You could marry someone confident but divorce someone broken. You could date someone loving but break up with someone hard-hearted. You could love someone compassionate but leave someone judgmental. People change in ways we don't want them to more often than in ways we want them to.
The only decision under your control is whether you want to be close, still want to be here, can be patient and tolerant, or are losing yourself. Focus on what you can control: how you feel, what you do, and whether you stay or leave. That's what you're in charge of and have power over.
Keep Jay Shetty Podcast in your library
Save the videos and channels worth coming back to, and find them again in one place.
