Joe Rogan Experience #2493 - Protect Our Parks 16
In a Nutshell
Joe Rogan hosts Protect Our Parks 16 with Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis, and Mark Normand, riffing on fake JP Morgan sex harassment lawsuits, Trevor Bauer’s career-ruining false accusations, Trump assassination attempts with wild conspiracy theories (MKUltra, time travelers), Jackass injuries, Ozempic side effects, streamer fights, comedy cancellation survivors like Kanye, Hulk Hogan choking Richard Belzer, and roast battles. Key takeaways: False accusations demand equal punishment regardless of gender; stand-up comedy thrives on relentless bit-tweaking and prioritizing fun over fame/money; societal fixes like ibogaine for addiction, El Salvador-style gang crackdowns, and matching US drug prices to global lows could slash costs and crime. Wild anecdotes span acid trips, ladyboy Muay Thai, cartel horrors, and arena-filling comics proving rock 'n' roll rebellion lives in modern humor.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Joe Rogan Experience #2493 - Protect Our Parks 16. Comedy oasis. 16th episode, 40 times playing Free Bird.
JP Morgan lawsuit scam was fake. Lady allegedly forced guy to fuck her, but it's retaliatory. Indian guy wrote it, described her tits as cannons. Guys say cans, torpedoes, jugs, sweater puppets, fun bags, knockers. She said "I'm sure your fish head Asian wife doesn't have cannons like this." Like movie Disclosure. Article almost made them yank it. If fired and made up story, repercussions should be jail. Double standard: if reversed, guy fired and shamed. Even before hoax revealed, reaction mild: "come on you can't be doing that."
String of middle-aged horrors: reporter banging football coach, Christy gnome cheating with guy with tits (candies). RFK article writer had deeply emotional relationship. Olivia Nuzzi texts with RFK Jr.: "let my river flow into your", "your open yr mouth is awaiting my harvest", "I mean to squeeze your cheeks to force open your mouth I'll hold your nose as you look up to me to encourage you to be a good man... Don't spill a drop. I am a river. You are my canyon." Sounds like literature or Dave Matthews song. RFK Jr. heroin addict, vaccine injury (flu vaccine), not stutter; 90s videos show great voice, black hair. Husband not thrilled. She's married, freak. Verified texts.
Canadian Froot Loops bland. US colorful but give ass cancer. Guy in early 30s with stage 3 ass cancer took four vaccine shots. Vaccines can give cancer allegedly. Trump almost got shot, third assassination attempt at White House press correspondents dinner (same hotel Reagan shot). Hosted by Oz the Mentalist.
Shooter Cole Allen (or Henry Martinez?), mixed race American liberal, valedictorian, scientist-y, teacher. Shot Secret Service guy (possibly friendly fire). Same lady from July there. Weird 2023 tweet from ex-account "Cole Allen from 2023" by Henry Martinez, NASA scientist missing. Background from Time Machine website; de-digitized shows 2024 attempt photo with hole in head not ear. Profile pic green toad in tuxedo like Trump. "Why does time travelers keep trying to kill me?" Decode by squeezing eyes (like mall rats). Only tweet. Random Twitter accounts predict names. Internship at JPL NASA. Pennsylvania shooter in BlackRock commercial. Teacher of the year. How get so close with gun at hotel with Trump, Marco Rubio? No metal detectors, bag checks. Video blurry, AI enhanced. Shooter fast, half black, teacher.
Assassins haven't fought since age 7, step up to kill high-level. Think they'll be hero. Schizophrenia possible. Lived, in jail. Reagan shooter Hinkley inspired by Jodie Foster, Taxi Driver. Out now, plays music, love songs, Manson songs. Guitar named after himself.
MKUltra CIA mind control 1960s-70s. Operation Midnight Climax: ran brothels, dosed johns with acid via hookers, watched through two-way mirror, filmed reactions. Jolly West head, visited Jack Ruby in jail (Ruby went crazy, said lighting Jews on fire). Connected to Manson. Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna hearings next month. Supposed UFO, JFK files released with black lines.
Prostitution legal-ish NYC, decriminalization debates, protections for sex workers/trafficking survivors. Victims but decriminalized? No pimp needed. Massage legal, handjob should be. Robert Kraft set up for handy at 80. App Tug. Handjob spas: ones with locks no buzz-in are legit (buzz-in means cop). Normal in Philly, NY lunch breaks. Range: Asian, Ukrainian skank. Thailand: legal, girls fuck first date to compete with hookers. Loose sexually, ladyboys, chill except Muay Thai/kickboxing.
Ladyboys train Muay Thai young. Famous one transitioned, fought men, got wrecked without hormones/balls. On streets, gang up with training.
Parks saved. Latin America fans ask for next Protect Our Parks. Global: Australia too.
Next Protect Our Parks event is April 30th. Upcoming event in New Zealand. Cannons rule.
Indian fella allegedly got fired after making a public post accusing his boss of trying to fuck him. JP Morgan investigated, didn't find it credible, and the lady still works there. If it was a guy, he'd be put on leave. Changes in accusations and lawsuits.
Trevor Bauer, Cy Young winner (highest award for pitcher), phenom. Accused by a woman who told friends she was going to get money from him; text messages proved it was fake. Played for Dodgers (or Brewers?), suspended, moved to Japan, pitched there, offered to pitch for MLB for free, now with Long Island Ducks (minors). Lost $300 million, prime years (30-35, suspended 2021, now 35). Just pitched a no-hitter. She got makeup for black eyes photos, all made up. He got her to agree not to come after him or anyone else; she violated settlement, paid him $300k fine. Should sue Dodgers for not reinstating. Accusations if fake should get the same punishment. Destruction of reputation.
Whatever you accuse someone of, if it's fake, you should get that punishment.
Should have him on podcast; he's funny, wicked sense of humor after surviving cancellation. Throwing 102 in Japan (tiny strike zones). Surviving cancellation makes you funnier.
Kanye: Biggest concerts in history after cancellation. Bill Cosby: Blind, great storyteller from memory. Compared to Kenison (faster style). Different styles like John Denver vs. Metallica.
Metallica Moscow concert (thousand people) is the greatest ever; blasting Rocky Mountain High last night. Communism dead temporarily with Metallica on stage. Rock is dead; all queefy now. No new big rock bands like Van Halen, Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Aerosmith, Korn, Zeppelin. Country huge now (fine, love it), but what happened to rock? Garage bands coming back with kids (nature healing). Everyone loves rock covers, Oasis doing giant arenas with old songs. Took acid at Oasis Chicago concert (MKUltra).
Music best on acid; haven't done since college, do shrooms now. Grateful Dead played for acid listeners. Ayahuasca icaros incredible on DMT.
Roger Waters ahead calling out genocide against Palestinians. Frosty with Jews. Ari took acid (fresh blotter, dried in car AC), full weeping at concert. Tony's ex did some. Chose devil's cabbage instead due to business. Didn't know dose; old move of taking second tab. Stayed at painting 12 hours.
Ruined lives from second edible. Pitched Lionsgate show to Netflix/Amazon, night before chugged THC-labeled-as-CBD bottle from Tripoli, bed vertical, skipped pitch, high 14 hours. McCusker made homemade weed gummies; ate bag in casino hotel (no windows), woke still high, buddy on floor. Joey Diaz swaps 25mg for 250mg/500mg edibles (gave Lee Syatt two 500s on 420 episode). Jamie can do 1,000mg barely affected (weird enzyme, spectrum-y, super brain). UFC events take 50mg. Acid at UFC bat seats (early days, 2005): Rogan jealous watching fights like Coliseum, Forrest Griffin cheered (you animals), Brock Lesnar terrifying Viking warrior.
Brock's daughter: champion shot putter (throws iron ball), sturdy athlete, looks like him (Viking genes, pale). Mom is Sable (WWF, hot, pro wrestler, great stock even 10 years older).
Brock's lame sword tattoo (drunk regret). Steve-O has dick tattoo above eyebrow (Post Malone did it, not trained artist; no rules for friends tattooing). New Jackass June.
Knoxville out cold 16+ times, blew ball off after criticism. Wee Man: England got PTSD. Danger Aaron: bear stunt strapped to table, shocked, honey on balls, bees (allergic?), trembling; donkey kicked balls; PTSD from bear/donkey. Trained bear but still dangerous.
Bam back in group, skating again (Westchester). Off rails on pills (Filly stuff), now recovering. Owned Westchester (purple Lambo at Wawa, eyeliner, Castle Bam with ramps). Did trick off bridge onto moving bus then road.
They discuss a real incident from Jackass where Bam's dad was repeatedly punched in the face by Phil, even woken up for it. Sweetest man on the planet. They're still doing it in their 40s. Steve-O is 50. One of the first places to do stand-up and host a show was his bar in Westchester. Dad gets revenge by hiding behind the door. Jackass is the best comedy. They became famous by fucking each other up. Everyone copied them, jumping off roofs into trees. They were the first to say don't do this. Legal disclaimer before trying stunts.
Knoxville is hosting the new Fear Factor. Johnny Knoxville is a really nice guy, coolest, though his dick was broken but think it's fixed now. Discussion on stem cells. Article says meniscus operations have the least success and are most unnecessary; rehabilitation is better than removal. One had meniscus removed on left leg, fucks with it more than right leg which has a tear treated with stem cells. Tore it in a kicking contest with Joe Schilling, world champion kickboxer, on a bag machine at the arcade with jeans on, no warmup at 52 years old. Joe Schilling came in three hours early but no warmup either.
Butterbean punched Knoxville after he was already rocked, in a Target or bodega. Francis Ngannou punched him in the balls with a shitty cup for the cup test; they didn't tell him it was Ngannou. Francis put all 265 pounds into it. Shitty cups can hit your nut. Got it at Target. Need real solid cup with compression shorts. Gen Z or Alpha won't have a Jackass.
Streamers pick fights and get fucked up. Tiki, UFC fighter, top-level trainer, manages fighters. Streamer kid in his face saying he'll fuck him up, Tiki elbows or punches him on the jaw after he says he'll slap the shit out of him. Tiki holding whiskey, drops it, nice technique. Streamer says, "Are you the guy that got slapped on video? I did, but I'll slap the shit out of you." Tiki responds calmly then strikes. Some streamers build careers this way. Streamer gets up, maybe girlfriend or bouncer involved, he runs in and throws punches. Took the hit impressively.
Streamers mock people at Target with girlfriends, forcing fights. Nightmare walking down street, someone says "what's up, bitch?" People look like pussies if they don't fight. That's how people get shot in wrong place. Kids today want to get famous; giant percentage say that's their goal when growing up.
Clavicular homo does looksmaxing to get chicks: hits face with hammer for micro breaks to strengthen jaw. Gender affirming, man to man trans. Fake tits are trans for girls. He gets laid, handsome, pretty, does meth better than Adderall for appetite control to stay lean. Overdosed on stream, falling down, maybe Molly, nice to everyone asking for pictures. Not a K-hole. Chester maxing, gooning: masturbating obsessively, being as horny as possible.
Eight months off the sauce, now back in Austin, moderation key. Beat the oval off? Strange experience. Texted Trump explaining everything, he said let's do it. Showed up at UFC event, shook hand, said it's done. Week later in White House with vets who took Ibogaine and saved their lives. Missed opportunity to bring dreadlocked white guys or Duncan dressed like shaman. Wore UFC outfit to Oval Office: button up shirt, pants, dress shoes, no tie, suit jacket in other room. Oval Office has new gold leaf everywhere, Trump loves gold.
Took tour with Shane and O'Connor during Trump years, couldn't enter Oval Office, saw Gulf of America map next to desk amid Lincoln history.
FISA bill passed: Section 702 extension allows collecting communications of non-citizens outside US, includes Americans. Can look into private communications without warrant. New cars have AI to detect if drunk via video. Get old car like Mustang. Senate likely to reject. Tucker Carlson's encrypted Signal with Putin's people decrypted for $600,000; they warned him. Local cops won't bother for small stuff. Hegseth's Signal leaked because group included journalist who released texts with emojis after bombing Iran.
Suicide note by Epstein weeks before death kept secret in courthouse, key evidence lacking. Autopsy said prostate unremarkable but he'd had it removed. Many think he's alive, face-offed and relocated, maybe Israel where sex offenders go, especially Jewish ones. Jews had a run: Madoff, Weinstein, Epstein, Cosby Berg. Proves Kanye's point.
Kimmel joked at mock White House press dinner: Melania has glow of recently widowed woman. Thursday joke, no one cared Friday or Saturday until assassination attempt, then blamed. Right wing acting like left with censorship, control, power. Same human behavior patterns.
Note found by Nicholas Tartaglione, Epstein's cellmate, super jacked corrupt cop who killed four drug dealers, quadruple slaying. Roided up. Epstein complained Tartaglione tried to strangle him 18 days before, found unconscious. No arrests in Epstein case while Comey arrested for seashells photo saying 8647 (86 get rid of, President 47). 86 means fired, not killed.
FBI arrested someone in Virginia for posting a seashell picture resembling a former FBI director, who appeared briefly in court. This sets a crazy precedent of arresting for silly reasons as retaliation, especially since they already targeted him. It's abusive power and crooked, like death squads in the street with masks, no ID, weapons, and flak jackets—slippery slope despite agreeing on removing undocumented criminals.
Protests were organized and paid for, strongest in Minneapolis due to fraud there. Response of giving randos $50,000 signing bonuses, seven weeks training, many Mexican including two who shot a dude, isn't right. Trump renamed ICE to NICE (National Immigrations, Customs, Enforcement).
ICE shot two citizens: one lady killed in a car while protesting—she drove away, clearly turning wheel from agent who said "fucking bitch." American-born citizen, lesbian (girlfriend and kid present). Backlash was bad.
Alex Preddy carried a gun (open or concealed), pushed cops. Border protection agents (not ICE) tackled him, one grabbed Sig P320 (notorious for accidental discharges), gun went off accidentally without trigger pull while agent moved away. Agents thought he had another gun, shot and killed him while down. Video grainy, slide moves matching gunshot sound; experts say accidental.
Violent protesters were paid, given signs. Need to remove cartel members and criminals—over 10 million entered in four years.
America overreacts: invaded Iraq/Afghanistan, killed millions. High-profile Jewish people opine on everything but justify annihilating cities. Now like Lebanon, searching Hezbollah under rubble.
US healthcare: 3.0-3.2 trillion annually for universal vs current 5.3 trillion ($15,474 per person 2024), savings 450 billion yearly covering all. Insurance causes issues—$1k anesthesia, $5k surgery despite coverage. Ecuador: Yale-trained surgeon did impacted gums cheaply, people fly there. Bernie pushed this, got clipped.
Wars for oil/defense contracts. Iran bombing: $25 billion in 60 days. Ukraine depleted US weapons supplies.
Trump policy: US drug prices match lowest international (e.g., fat pill $100 Europe vs $1,300 US). Expired meds often 100% effective long after date, up to 300% longer.
Homeless on schizophrenia meds can't afford, become fentanyl zombies. Need mental institutions, ibogaine, meds for safety. Skid Row LA: 50 blocks. US pays 2x next country, gets 17th best coverage, sickest nation.
Shoplifting thrill: beef jerky, Tic Tacs at airports. Joey getting top surgery (tits removed, big scar). Joey Karate: shirtless rough, high kicks to knee height, grubs constantly, loves food, most fun human, human cartoon, does hour sets.
Comedy losing wildness (Geraldo era, drugs), but returning as TV fades—wildness effective, fun drunk. Young guys wild, doing drugs/clips. Late Night at Cellar fun with drinking (Mackie). Peer pressure tactics: "don't wanna drink alone," "do me a favor, chug," "you can do more."
DeRosa worst peer-pressurer, pours shots, hates weed, classic drinker. Weed freezes most; good on it: Soder, Gomez, Chappelle—personality/biological. Jamie shrugs off edibles.
Tree fell on car from road work vibrations. Renting prefab Austin house: 15-foot ceiling, one floor, not a home.
El couch. Everything's white. It has this type of wall that's too standard. It's a beautiful house. It's plain. It is very nice, and the last house I was in was a fucking Queens apartment. That had more soul than this place. More soul for sure, but when I first walked into the house I'm in now, I was like, holy fuck. Moving on up. This is incredible. It's just not a home. Now I'm like, now I'm a fucking piece of shit. It looks like a house from a porn. It's an Airbnb. It's too new. It is an Airbnb.
Weird how money changes you. Like it changes what you're accustomed to. You get a little accustomed to the nice stuff. I was thinking about this, yeah, you get accustomed to the nice things, but I keep trying to change. And I'm just not really changing. As a human? Yeah, the cement is dry. You're always gonna be Mechanicsburg. Yeah, it's Mechanicsburg, it's light beers, it's like all of a sudden I realize I'm just getting drunk at higher places. Right. Like I'm just in a taller building getting drunk. Yeah, with more expensive beer. The exact same. This is the exact same beer.
Everybody at Deep Creek. It's the same beer, but the prices go up. Everybody at Deep Creek was like poor white trash in Maryland, and then they got rich. And like when they were poor, like we could just barely afford one Bud Light, and now they're rich, like 10 Bud Lights. What is Deep Creek? Deep Creek Lake is where pontooners go to party. Yeah, pontooners. Where is that? It's like deep, almost by West Virginia. Ah, that's good stuff. Man-made giant lake. Yeah. It rules. Same with New Orleans, we'd go out to the Boga Chitta and tube all day.
Remember tubing? Yeah, tubing. You'd sit on a river with a beer. Floating. If you got a piss, you'd just jump down, walk along with it. Yeah, you'd just pee in the water. You'd just piss. I think it's good that you're not changing. It's a good sign. It'd be nice if I could. Nah. I mean, you'd change a little. It would ruin you. You got some good stuff going on. It would ruin you. Nice car. Literally, if you said this to Shane yesterday, if you go, you've changed, he'd be like, what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Well, it's just wrong. I know. And I'd go, god damn, I wish I could. He'd dress the same. But you're not gonna stay at a Holiday Express. Yeah, act the same. You've handled. Just stay in a nice hotel. You've handled fame very well. Shane, you've handled it pretty well. You haven't gotten weird at all. No. Some people get weird just from the pressure of it. It just freaks them out. Almost everybody. Yeah. 98% get, like, different.
Give me a beer. I'm thinking of eight comics in my head right now who have gone full diva. Yeah, they get weird. It's very strange. Shane, I know you have not changed. Oh, the bottle? You've changed, bro. You've fucking changed. What the fuck? Wait, you've worn bottles, dude? You went for Israel. Now this is. That's how they taste of aluminum. Some people like the aluminum taste. Bottle beer tastes in a can. There was a commercial I remember when I was little. What? It was some beer and they go, bottle beer. Bottle beer tastes in a can. I was like, is bottle beer better? Way better. Some people like the aluminum flavor. Yeah. I like, give me a glass, bottle of Bud Light. What's this? Bottle beer tastes in a can. Keystone. That's what it was? Bottle beer tastes in a can. That's a shitty beer. My memory's served. Bad beer. Just across those keystones.
This is a commercial from 1948. That's what I remember. Look how grainy it is. I remember Israel got independence and I was watching this commercial. Yeah, have you guys watched the Hogan doc? I haven't. It's good. It's good. I fucking cried. It's good. Really? It's so good. Everybody's raving. When he's getting sued for taking down Belzer. He rules. And he's like, I was making $3,500 a month and I'm getting sued for $500,000. I was famous but not rich. Yeah. And they're like, what are we gonna do? Oh, he rules. I didn't even know he got sued for that. Oh yeah. To go into MSG. I mean, he choked the guy unconscious. I mean, he then dropped him. He dropped him. He dropped him because he went too far. Yeah. He could've John Jones used to do this all the time. But at least it was soft matte. This was like hard floor and he just threw him. Yeah, but John Jones was doing it in a UFC fight against. For someone who agreed. Miyoto Machida. For someone who agreed. Yeah. He does it. And then he. If he just laid him down. He'd be like point proven. Right. But he had to bring it. He's on TV. Yeah, but think if you're drunk. And on steroids. And on coke. And somebody's. Someone's like, yo, your shit's fake. Yeah. Is that what Belzer said? That it's fake?
Yeah. It's so funny too. Yeah. Cause he's like. Pull it up. Cause he's like, oh, you think I'm fake? Is that fake? You're like, no, but you don't do that. When I'm talking. It is fake. You bitch slapped him. Slapped the fuck out of him. A bunch of times. Slapped the fuck out of him. What? I think that ruined that guy's career though. Stossel or the wrestler? The wrestler. Yeah. I never heard of this. I don't know. I think. Who was the wrestler? Stossel's still around. Stossel's still around. But I think it ruined the wrestler's career. Whoa. Cause he beat the fuck out of him. He looks like. Yeah, he can. I feel like in my head he looks like Sid Vicious or. Well, he's a giant dude. And he bitch slapped him open palm to the ear. Which could definitely make you go deaf. But I mean. Damn. If you told BJ Penn in his prime. Or anybody. Like I think what you do is fake. They'd be like. It's not. Penn State. John Stossel was slapped twice by WWF wrestler Dr. D. David Schultz. Backstage. What am I? Madison Square Garden. Whoa. After calling pro wrestling fake. During a 2020 expose. The incident left Stossel with pain and ringing in his ears. Leading to a lawsuit against WWF.
Jewish wrestler. You think he made money? Good move, right? Oh, he just slipped right out. Holy shit. That was like Batman. At least he's not pissing in a kombucha jar. He probably is. Give it an hour. Here it is. So he's grabbing him. He gets him. In this sleeper hold. And he goes. He slumps. And then he just drops him. Head hit the floor hard. How professional is he though when he gets up? This incident is from a 1985 episode of. What the fuck? Hmm. So Belzer was talking shit. Saying it was fake. Great host though. He pops right up. And goes to commercial. Alright, we'll be right back. Yeah. Heads bleeding and everything. That is crazy. Oh wow. Look at the blood on the back of his head. You know who. It's spurting out on his jacket. Look at that. What a pro. Yeah, that is. I mean Chris Rock could have learned a thing. Quite professional. He seems happy. Look at Mr. T. That guy's scary. He doesn't seem upset at all. And then he sued. Yep. But you gotta be a pro. I guess so. But also. You gotta be. You know I mean his head looked like Kennedy. $400,000 settlement. Famously used the money to buy a home in France. Jokingly named it Chez Hogan.
That's fun. He bought a house in France. He lived in France for a while. And then he was doing Belzer a Jew? He's had to be. Sounds like. Got a lawsuit for that. Litigant. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't used to pay medical bills. He bought a house. Yeah. It's like. That means it's a bonus. In France. It's a Jew move. And I think he was still doing that Law and Order show. And just flying back and forth to France. I met him once. It's the funniest thing. Cause I saw him in like. Early early. Like doing those late night shows. You know as a kid. And it was like. Oh that's a comedian. And then he's done. A lot of comics have this trajectory. Do nothing comedic. Yep. TV. It's like comedic coded serious. Yeah. Well he was a comic. Yeah. He did a lot of comedy. I saw him do stand up. In Boston. In the 80s. In the 80s. He was revered. But then he became like. Just serious. Just a funny guy in serious roles. And not even that funny. No. And then dropped stand up. Well I think it's just money. And ease. It's so easy. It's that velvet prison. They start giving you money. You start showing up. You grab service. You're eating. Yep. Stand up is a blue collar job. I mean also. His coworker is a. Guy who made a song called Cop Killer. Like he's like.
I'm rich. I'm rich now too. We're both rich. Don't even worry about who we used to be. I'm a lonely. Just kidding. Yeah so eventually they go. I'm just not that. I'm not 25 anymore. I know but I mean. It's still. Carlin did it till he died. Yeah. Rickles. Carlin was a real one. Yeah. Rickles. Rickles did it till he died. No. Joan Rivers. Joan Rivers. But Carlin was like. Anti establishment. Never changed who he was. And it was. That was what Belzer was beginning. In the early days. Anti. He was kind of a Carlin guy. He was very conspiracy theory. Yeah. He wrote a book on Elvis Bigfoot and flying saucers. I think it was the book. Wow. I read it back in the day. It's a conspiracy theory book. By Belzer. Wow. He wrote five different conspiracy books. What the fuck. Did he really. UFOs. JFKs. And Elvis. Conspiracies you don't have to be crazy to believe. Wow. Dead wrongs. Straight facts on the country's. Most controversial cover ups. Hit list. An in depth investigation. Of mysterious deaths. Of witnesses. The JFK assassination. Wow. He's ahead of his time. With that shit. Yeah. He was an interesting guy. Juannan. Very interesting guy. Wow. People loved him.
He was a respected comedian. He was a crowd work guy. Oh yeah. He was the host. He was always the host. Yeah. He was a crowd work for us. I know for five years. Oh. Wow. Really. Crowd warm up. Wow. Brody Stevens. Back in the day. He was you know like a comics comic. Yeah. But there was a bunch of those guys. Like Leno was the comics comic. Totally. Back in the day. Oh yeah. When I started they were like. The second best comic. They also prior. But like the second best comic. Who is that going to be. And a lot of people were like. It was Leno. I'm like. What. Isn't that nuts. Yeah. What. Great comics. Apparently in the 70s. He was a fucking animal. That's what I hear. He was an animal. Like you get that for a reason. Yeah. You get. You don't just some open mic. Or who gets a Tonight Show.
Yeah but it's that thing. The Tonight Show. Oh no. Was just the golden thing. Oh. Oh boy. Not the fucking eagle. And he's got glasses on. Oh no. Oh boy. Kegels. Dun dun dun. The 70s was like the golden era. For those kind of comics. Oh yeah. I mean you had Carlin was. He got. I think four heart attacks from coke. Whoa. Really. Something like that. Yeah. Maybe Prior was four. And he was three. But they were both up there. Jesus Christ. I didn't know Carlin had that many heart attacks. I mean give it a go. Good JMO. It could be. How many heart attacks did Carlin. He had three heart attacks. I believe it was three. From cocaine. Yeah. We also had a pill problem for a while. Yeah. He had to get off pills. This was like later in his life. Right. Like late. Late in his life. He was hooked on the pills. Oh yeah. Late in his life. Big drug guy. Deep into his 60s and 70s. He was the coolest of all the old amazing guys. I met. Definitely. Kegels up there for sure. But like I had to go get him a sandwich.
Really. What. He did like a month at the store. Shut up. Yeah. A month of main room shows. Oh yeah. What year. 2000s. 2001, 2002, 2003. Wow. And I got him a Greenblatt sandwich. I go here you go. He gave me 20 bucks. I was like oh no no. Man they covered it. He goes I know. It's for you. I was like oh alright. Sorry Mr. Carlin. He was cool. George. He was very unassuming. He was hanging out in the back area by the parking lot. Yeah. He would also sit in the back in Mitzi's chair. You know that. And if you did well. He'd say open mic sometimes. But only if you did well. He'd be like good job man. Wow. And then other people didn't. And he'd be like hi. Yeah. Wow. He zinged me pretty good once. Yeah he was a real comic. I did a. He did a book signing. Cause he had all those books. And I brought like four books. To meet him at Borders on Wall Street. And I waited in line. And all these people are going like I love you in Jersey Girl. I love you in Bill and Ted's. And I was like. Ah these people don't know comedy. So I went up and I was like I love this special. Back in Town. Amazing. Whatever. And he goes. What do you do. I go I'm a comic. He goes. Yeah you got a real talent for jacking around. That's what he said. Jacking around. I don't even know what that means. What does jacking around mean. He seemed like he hated me. You got a real talent for jacking around. Yeah. You sound like a comic. I go oh yeah. He goes yeah. You got a real talent for jacking around. Jacking around. I don't know what that means. But I'll take it. Seventies lingo. Yeah. I mean he was around the day. When Lenny Bruce was around.
Oh yeah he got arrested at his show. Did he really. He got arrested. He got arrested with Lenny Bruce. Yeah they were in the same cop car. Really. It's a big story. That was his hero. Well but Carla came in the shoplift. What. Delete that Jamie. No Jamie Jamie delete that please. That was a Jamie keep it. That was a dry bomb. Jamie delete that please. I didn't catch it. We all tried to sort it out. We didn't even know you were joking. We all tried to sort it out. Like what. Am I messing with. What does he mean by that. Leave it to Israel to bomb. We're. Those guys paved the fucking road. Tell you that.
Getting arrested for jokes. Forget a heckler. I know. Or some blogger. What ruin. Going to jail. Ruined Lenny Bruce's life. Totally. Like at the end of his life. He was just reading off court transcripts on stage. Yeah. And the people get so bummed out. They're like hey tell some jokes. Yeah like we're here for you to do the thing. There's video of it. I bought video back in the day. VHS tapes of his recordings. And one of the recordings was him on stage. In this small club. Like just reading off court transcripts. And it was just terrible. It's like guys who get canceled. And that's all they talk about.
Right. That's what happens. Yeah. It becomes your thing. It's so crazy. You did an offhanded thing. And then now it's your everything. You got beaten one race by a chick. And now that's your whole life. By a trans chick. That one. She went. What. That girl who lost. Who came in fifth at a fucking race. By a trans chick. Hold on a second. That one's kind of fair. Yeah that's a different thing. No no no. She should go. Why the fuck is this allowed. Not ten years later. What are you talking about. Where she still made it in her life. What are you even talking about. A comic got beaten in a race. Not a comic. No he's talking about like your analogies. I don't know. It was a female athlete who lost to a trans athlete. Oh. She's going we should have laws about this. The swimmer. Which one. Oh that's Riley Gaines. It's her whole fucking personality now. Oh. She didn't go to school for that. She was on a track. One thing happened. And then she's like completely changed. Same as when comics get canceled. It's like. Well. She actually had a good point. Because not only did she not lose to that person. The Leah guy. Yeah. But tied. And then the Leah guy got the trophy. And not her. No no no. But there's more to that. Oh yeah. Leah Thomas. No they tied for fourth. Yeah. Fourth and fifth.
But she was. And they go. Hey we only have four trophies. We're gonna get killed. If we don't give it to the trans lady. Can we just send you one later. Do you know how crazy that is though. Do you know how crazy that is. You give it to a guy. Who pretended to be a girl. I'd be mad if that was at a fucking comedy competition. For fourth. That no one saw. No they'll say. We'll send it to you next week. Well wait. Why is the guy coming in fourth. He should be one. Yeah for sure. This guy sucks. All of them lost. Well he sucked as a man. There was a first, second, and third. And none of those people involved. Came in first, second, and third. First, second, and third. Nobody cares about. Fourth and fifth. Is what they're arguing about. Wait I don't understand what your argument is though. Oh. It's like who cares. It's like yeah. He's drunk. No no no. To make it your whole life after that. Is what you're saying about canceled comics. But they become that thing. I understand. But. She was going to school. For not That. And now that's her job. Who cares what they're going to school for. You're saying it changed your whole trajectory. What'd you go to school for bitch. English Literature. Breaking down analysis of life and stuff. Are you doing well on that right now. Yeah pretty much. Yeah you're doing terrible at it. It's like this moment right here. That's failing you.
No you say these canceled comics go. And they make that their whole life. Some of them do. This chick is not doing that. She tied a race for fourth and fifth. And now that's all she does for a living. Okay but what is an example of a canceled comic. That's made it their whole life. I see. Like who. What canceled without naming. I don't want to name anybody. Right. But you. We've just talked about that. There's a lot of comments. I understand. I understand what you're saying. Sort of. Hey Jew was on Netflix. Jew's on Netflix. It's on Netflix now. That is pretty cool that Netflix bought it. That's cool. After it was out on YouTube. They didn't buy it. They're just putting it up. Ah. Fucking Jews. It's fine. It's fine. I don't care. Get the eyeballs. It was already on YouTube. Yeah yeah yeah. No I'm totally happy with it. Can you keep it on YouTube as well. Or you have to take it down. Hey. It's a million. It should've been six. Nice. That would've been great. Bro Shane at the Creek is like fifty now. Fifty three. That's insane. Yeah there's a Indian guy that broke the record in a week. Wow. Oh is that right. Indian comics. Indian comics put it up and I. Somebody sent it to me and they're like. He broke your record in a week. Damn. It's fifty five million in a week.
Is it in Indian. Yeah. Is it in Hindu. Yeah. Yeah. Is it the canons guy. One of their fifty languages. Yeah he's gone. That's crazy. There's billions of them. But how do you know. This is the thing with views these days though. There's companies that will jack your views up. Yeah but that's. Sure you gotta pay for that. Yeah but you can pay for it. But you can get millions of views that way. You can see the difference in like. We always do this when we talk shit about people who do it. Engagement. Yeah they're like five million views thirty comments. Right right. Right right right. And what is a view. How much do you have to watch for a view to count. I think it's just a click. That's a good question. A click off counts as a view. That's a good question.
The best is when you send someone. Like an agent or something. Like a clip. You know for them to see. And they go we watched it. We're not happy with it. And you look at it like. It still has zero views. Ooh. It's a private clip. Yeah you gotta do. You definitely didn't watch it. We liked it. We're not happy with it. Yeah. Or more embarrassing. When someone sends you something. Like I just did. That guy sent me something. And I've watched it thirty times. Over and over. And it's just me in it. He's gonna see all the views are just me. It's a private. It's a private video. Oh that's so sick. Oh that's so sick. I feel bad for. Young Comics. Everything is about views. Shares. Number of followers. How many followers do you have. It's not even about funny. Yeah. It's not about funny. I still think it is though. It is. I think eventually the cream rises.
But managers will literally be like. We gotta hire this guy. Yeah but they don't know shit. Well yeah they're clueless. It's kinda like the industry in general. They're like how much money. Did your movie make. And then if they don't mind. Getting an Oscar nomination. But that's not what they're really in it for. Mmm. I just. With the comics today. Being worried about. You gotta put out clips. You gotta do the. It's like. Sure yeah. It's like do it. But it's like. Build an act. I don't know. Build an act. Comedians always have excuses. For why they're not successful. Which is fine. Of course I did the exact same thing. We all did it. But they're all like. Well this guy. Yeah he's only got it. Cause he put all those clips out. And did all. It's like I don't know. Whatever works man. Just try to be funny. Yeah who gives a fuck. Why someone's doing well. It's the wild west. Who gives a shit if a YouTuber. Is selling out a comedy club. Who fucking cares. It's about you. What are you doing. Exactly. Just do your shit.
It's about documentary. Showing all the. Leading up to Boulder. The new thing that you did. Oh you watched that. Yeah it was great. Oh wow thanks. The Markumentary. Thanks. It's great. And it's a great insight. As to like the development of bits. I really. I appreciate it. I wish you were my dad. I enjoyed it. Yeah. By the way I could be your dad Mark. I want you to know. He told me that. Behind your back earlier. Yeah. Whoa thanks. Me and him were just sitting out there. He was like you see that thing. I was like fuck no I'm not watching Mark's shit. Yeah it's an hour long. It's good. It was sold out. At the Dallas Improv. And the special taped. Like a week or two later. So I was just tweaking. And fine tuning. And I filmed all the bombs. And all that shit. Oh interesting. It's really great. Cool. It's really great. Because it's like him. In a bodega. Going over the bits. Like reading. Drinking coffee. Reading over his lines. And then tweaking it. And changing them. Yeah. Yeah. Hour and twelve minutes.
Uh oh. Not the gay quote. It's good. It's gay. It's really good. So yeah. Hold on. Go back to that quote. Go back. The quote is relevant. Struggle itself towards the heights. Is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Syphus. Syphusus. That's as salic as that. Syphus. It was. Pushing the boulder. Cause the boulder. We're shot in Boulder. Wait did you do this. I didn't do that part. Who did this. Albert Camus. The director Matt Salicus. You should beat his ass. It is a little pretentious. For what this is. A little bit. Now we come back to Sheath underwear. Come back to earth. Yeah. Oh god Mark. Why do you have a nice ass. You fucking homo. I'm all the time. I'm clavicular. Why do you have nice legs. You pussy. He micro fractures his butt cheeks. I was deadly hung over there. That's hilarious. Just shitting it out. But it's a great. It's really great for comics. To see especially young guys. Coming up. Like what the process is like. You know. To see a guy like you. Who's been in the game. A long time. Is really good. Yeah. See a bunch of specials already. See you bombing and tweaking. And showing everybody. The bits not working well. And then working really well. Ah thank you.
And killing it. Yeah. Thanks I appreciate it. Yeah there is this idea. That everything is magic. No it's just work. Like when you show them. Like their struggle. They're like oh okay. Just trial and error. Like how many times. Have you seen Louie bomb. And you're like. This guy's the best ever. Why is he bombing. Chris Rock too. Yeah. Chris Rock used to come. To the store. And the crowd would go nuts. And he would say relax. It's not gonna be that funny. Right right. Lower your expectations. He would tell them that. Because he was just. Running material. And trying to find. Every possible angle. And get laughs occasionally. And sometimes not.
He can't come back. Because I don't think. He's willing to bomb. I don't think he's willing. To bomb. For you know six months. It's not even six months. It's years. We've had this discussion. On this podcast. Oh sure. Play R Kelly. It's also. It's the velvet prison. The movies. The fucking craft service. Getting picked up in a limo. It's like the grind. Of writing your own material. Putting it all together. Everything riding. On your back. Like that is a warriors game. And some people. Don't want to do that anymore. It's also like. You gotta do it Tuesday at the Stand. Where there's 19 people. I also understand. That a lot of people. Don't want to do it. Because movies. Were so much more lucrative. Oh yeah. And stand up is not. Stand up is ten times. More lucrative. Good point. It is now. And it's like. Dude do stand up. Yeah. Like just do stand up. I mean. But stand up is a lot of work.
I remember there was. A couple people back then. Go I would take a pay cut. If I did a sitcom. And it was like. A couple people. And now it's like. Kind of everybody. Yeah. You'd have to make Seinfeld money. Like season seven and beyond. To go I'll take off the road. For this. And now there is. No Seinfeld money. It doesn't exist. I know. Miss Pat is the only person. With a sitcom right now. What about this guy. BET. Oh that's right. But you have Tyres is different though. Because it's a single camera. Yeah. Like Tyres is like a show. It's not a sitcom. It's a show. It's a great funny show. Thanks. But it's like. There's a difference. Between the thing. That everybody wanted. Was the live audience. Four camera. You do it on NBC CBS. You get residuals. That was like. A golden carrot. That they hung over your head. Totally. Because stand up. Couldn't pay. Right. Like that. Nobody did anything. But clubs back then.
It was like Dice Clay. Yeah. And then afterwards. It was Dane Cook. We saw a billboard. A poster. His thing's like a museum. And a poster for Evening of the Improv. With him and Chris Rock. Who's that. David Spade. Oh wow. And I was there with Nate. And he goes. You did like club for this. And he goes. Bro we only did clubs. None of us ever. Did theaters back then. Yeah. Legends did theaters. Dice did MSG once. Yeah. Steve Martin. A couple times. Oh. Dice did MSG. Many times. He did Nassau Coliseum. Dice did. Dice was doing. Oh he did two nights. In a row actually. He did two nights. In a row. Enormous places. When no one was doing it. Dice was the original stadium act. But then there was. No one until Dane. Right. Between Dice and Dane. There was nobody. And now it's a lot. And now people are playing. At Des Moines. They're playing arenas. Yeah.
It's not that many guys. I mean it's probably at least 20. Compare it. Arenas. Bargatze. Kevin Hart. You. Sebastian. Tom. Regularly. Hinchcliffe. Louie. Jesus. Well hold on fellas. Let's not diminish it. No no. You, Sebastian. Gabriel. 20. Gabriel. Maybe not 20. At least 10. Joe Coy. Giant Places. Kevin Hart. Matt Rife. Matt Rife. Matt Rife. Matt Rife. Dave Segura. Matt Rife. TOM. Stopp. I'm an Indian kid. Outside New York comedy club. And he goes. Doing comedy. He goes. That doesn't count. I was like. What. Indians don't count. Congratulations. They don't count. Indians don't count. Indians count as much as Christian movies count in the box office.
Comedians like Arenas do arenas every time or occasionally. Matt Rife does a lot. Many more than between Dane and Dice because comedy's big now, with tons doing 1,500 seaters. Schultz does arenas regularly whenever he wants. Bert, Tom, Tony also do arenas. Many from storytelling show, which is online behind a paywall. Three guys on it: arena comic, theater comic, club comic who almost sells out Saturdays in Denver. Likable comics like Tony, Nate, Tom, you—four arena comics. Three private jets at that show, got paid $500 bucks.
Last flight story like 9/11 sound, gay Ayatollah, Freedom's the only way, Straits of Hormuz, Iran needs to understand, fuck the regime, bombing everybody, fuck healthcare and homeless. Met people shitting on America while traveling, made more nationalistic. In other countries, when they criticize US lack of healthcare, respond: you guys do nothing, we have stealth bombers. Australians say US chose minorities bad, respond: you wiped yours out. US has football, college football, movies, music. Once you go to another country, tell them to shut up. England number two in stand-up: Ricky Gervais, Jimmy Carr (international great, great writer, dominant, calm, smart, tight jokes, performed new jokes at Mothership).
Shane into hunting, archery—new hobby to stay sane, along with pool, martial arts, keeps off Twitter. Story: manager thought Joe had gambling addiction when starting headlining due to spending, but it was steak and lobster every night on first development deal. Not worried about running out, will make more money, foot on the gas. Brought many openers, made more money than Joe, but about fun. Gigs with locals: one out of 10 great, met Sabura and friends, but often bored, mean, step on material, jealous headliner dynamics, suggest switching spots. Gigs with crew always party, fun key. Does Skank Fest for $17, fun great weekend.
Tony's agent pitched taking percentage of Kill Tony podcasts—no way, wouldn't change feeling, would feel like piece of shit, better to help buddies. Shane pays people on road out of spite after Lev said clubs better than arenas, never done arena, so gave wad of cash to open. Lev paid rent for year, crowds great, 15-20 min hits. Fun everywhere. Plays Xbox with NHL guys in green room, 15 dudes, no women, arena owner disappointed seeing stand-up cool but body odor, chicken nuggets. Rider: chicken tenders, case of beer, Xbox, second worst pizza. Video games icebreaker, great hang. Memories asking strangers for food spots like Fogo de Chão. Green room hang best, at Mothership under Mitzi's perfect with liquor. Mitzi's becomes private club after 11, lose voice from chain smoking, drinking, great music.
Tony's ability to write roast jokes extraordinary, thinks in roast form. Gave angle yesterday, he made wittier. Different muscle. Both good yesterday practicing for massive roast ahead, crowd sees work out. Jokes good, going out cold opening live on Netflix, not good host, will just do jokes. Waylon Jennings Jr. at roast barbecue: TV roast not his, prefers underground with moonshine while waiting for meat. Kicked off Last Comic Standing for not talking shit, saying probably lose, ruining drama. Some jokes funny but tough publicly, dark. Black jokes go hard even at Mothership. Emceeing tough first, live in LA, offensive things, room of famous people. Kevin Hart there, laughs at everything, black guy laughing golden. Espys training ground, went to war over it with WNBA people unhappy, but 10 million views, hilarious for home audience.
Roast Sunday the 10th. Matching Legion of Skanks outfits with Lewis, now member, vice president, massive creative opportunity, 15 years running. Stops moving to UK—thank God, divine intervention, Mossad plant. England stabby, better off. Shane and Ari ran for president/vice president until betrayal, didn't because protected from Lewis. COVID: stars singing Imagine, Lewis idea parody with Down with the Sickness, Ari edited, had everyone sing full song seriously for choices, Shane threatened release, Ari said would scorch earth.
Idea not funny. Imagine no heaven while granny died of COVID, war/religion song. Actors smelling own farts, no juice, made worthless. Sarah Silverman serious, Timothy Chalamet, Fallon, Portman. Worse than Epstein's Island. Black and white ashamed of whiteness BLM riots. DeRosa sincere drunk, adopted Egyptian. At Stanhope's hammered watching, killed them. Hollywood looks like they care, transparent. Texts to make videos ruin day.
Congrats on Ibogaine win, hoping reschedule psychedelics. Nixon administration banned to squash civil rights and anti-war movements. Not illegal because harmful—used to quit smoking, drinking, drugs, life together, relax dying cancer patients. Ibogaine not recreational, bad experience, neuroregenerative. Rick Perry (Texas governor, anti-drug) tried after veterans for opiates, changed life, dedicates to legalization. Brain atrophy: 25% gone in six weeks, 100% six months. Like Ozempic stops addictive things, cuts sex drive, love, excitement.
People say Ozempic keeps you from being passionate, cuts down love. Some hot actresses do it but don't need to—just be fat and horny. A little fat on women is hot, especially with confidence; gives curves. Example: Rachel Ray. When they lose weight and get Ozempic face, it's bad. Olivia Wilde used to be gorgeous (hot in House 2007, age 42 now), but recent photos make her look like a ring-tailed lemur—giant eyeballs, dead eyes. Not the wall, possibly Ozempic or tiredness. Women think they must be skinny, especially in Hollywood. Contrast: Jennifer Lopez (Puerto Rican outlier) hot at 42+.
Olivia Wilde's January photo: gorgeous, not overweight (Seth Rogen looks like a troll next to her). Recent two weeks ago also fine—bad picture or video. She's still beautiful; leave her alone.
Big fat guys need Ozempic. Friend on fat pill, but Foley beat it by keeping eating habits. During 999 challenge (9 hot dogs, 9 beers, 9 innings, harder with pitch clock): O'Connor ate 7 hot dogs pre-anthem, chugged hot dogs, passed out till sixth, woke for ninth. Foley three hot dogs in, eating cheesesteak—said if cheesesteak in front, he'll eat regardless.
New Austin food truck (Tony recommended, on Seamless): legit cheesesteaks with sautéed onions. R&B Steak and Fries on Congress (near Fogo de Chao, not Dirty Sixth where food sucks except Black Rabbit). Brothers brought to club; one bite and scarfed it. Owners cool, nickname Boo (black guys rule). Had autism as kid, football channeled it—autism as superpower.
Jeremiah Long tackling wrong, jumping over people. Eagles signed 21-year-old from Africa, never played football before, great wiggle. Autism jokes: all to tackle is look in eye (he looks back), body vibrating on hug.
Next weekend roast, Netflix Fest. TD Garden UFC in New Jersey: Sean Strickland vs Hamzat Chimaev (no faceoff, too much shit-talk). Strickland's emotional warfare: calls him goat fucker, said he'd shoot three goat-fucking friends. Like Conor McGregor vs Jose Aldo (stole belt, Aldo worked up, Conor relaxed—won). Roberto Duran beat Sugar Ray Robinson by talking shit (called wife whore), fought his style.
Strickland: best fighters on planet, world champion, 5-rounder experience, phenomenal cardio, hardest to hit, best takedown defense, underrated grappling, clever boxing, best jab. Dominated Dricus Du Plessis (champ who beat injured Strickland before). Beat Adesanya. +340 underdog but real chance. Hamzat: best 185 grappler, strikes too. Aljamain Sterling video: if Hamzat gasses taking down/dominating early, problem in 5-rounder. Strickland durable, great shape, calm, abusive childhood (hates bullies). Great fight.
Strickland fun white (fun whites back, blame Chet Hanks breaking hymen, white boy summer). Chet dropped Jamaican accent for new fakeness, now country music (was rapper). Tom Hanks sons: Chet phony/wild, Colin straight-laced, looks just like Tom (in tons of movies, good actor, more Philadelphia/Forrest Gumpy). Shia LaBeouf wild white example. Ari imagines Tom Hanks dad tough for identity. Chet good in Atlanta episode, Curb (soldier). Renna sucks (disagreement).
Quadruple amputee (no arms/legs, lost to bacterial infection age 10), #1 cornhole player. Shot/killed pastor in car during argument (used nub thumb on trigger). Drove car (three others in car), shot well, climbed ladder, hunting blind with rifle. Asked two guys to dump body, they refused/got out, he drove off, dumped body. Found, tracked to hospital, arrested. Possibly punched first (hospital), shot back. Alpha, independent, but murderer in jail. Cornhole skills insane—sinking bags. Jokes on limbs/stability.
Justin Bieber dashing mugshot. Lindsay Lohan hot again, co-starred in movie with her (Inappropriate Comedy, 2013, worst ever—0 stars Rotten Tomatoes, $172K, $625/theater). Directed by ShamWow guy (Vince Offer). Cast: Adrian Brody (Oscar winner, The Pianist, banging Harvey Weinstein's wife, career downswing then up), Theo Von, Ari Shaffir, Dante, Rob Schneider, Zoe Saldaña? (Rodriguez? Fast & Furious, Vin Diesel's lady, DUI, Avatar end), Christina Pazsitzky writing.
No script—Vince expanded Ari's Amazing Racist bits (2005-7). About apps (dating apps, 2013 early apps). Fun shoot: border scene with real crossers. Flirty Harry. GS (Gilbert?) advised take paychecks. Inappropriate but no app approval? Earned low, empty theaters. Ari: cancel culture makes sense now after this horse shit.
Amazing Racers videos were from around 2005-2007, before the Carlos Mencia incident at the comedy store. Mencia challenged racial jokes, but was countered with Amazing Racist. Adrian Brody starred in it; he's likely paid to suppress it, but few knew about it until now. With millions listening, it could make a ton of money.
Vince Offer (ShamWow guy) is alive; killed Tony a year ago after assaulting a hooker—she bit his tongue while he was eating her out, he bit back. Discussion on not kissing hookers unless drunk or paying extra. A comedy store comedian paid extra to go down on hookers without reciprocation; he's legendary and open about it.
Vince Offer running for Congress in Cedar Park. His first nine bills:
- No tax on Social Security.
- Parental class view (ring cameras in classrooms).
- Ring cameras protect homes.
- Woke buster.
- N XXX on X (pornography ban).
- Healthy Screen Act.
- Cowboy coats for kids.
- Agent! (customer service fix).
- Children need to pray.
Lots of kid-focused policies; unclear if he has children. Shlomi (Jewish name), sent a ShamWow jacket made of ShamWows—absorbs rain but heavy. He sold on Atlantic City boardwalk, possibly meth head, bought late-night spots like Byron Allen to sell more, made a fortune.
ShamWow story: Pissed on roommate's bed in college, used ShamWow to soak it up—very absorbent, synthetic chamois cloth. Real chamois is animal skin for drying cars after washing, before microfiber polish. ShamWow from Korea after testing seven companies.
Worked at car wash, auto auction, dealership, garage—basis for Tires show expertise. Recommendations: Revology Mustangs—brand new 1969 Mustangs (e.g., Boss 429), exact replicas but fully reliable factory-built. Tom Scarpello (ex-Ford, made Ford GT) behind it. Owns green '68 Bullet Mustang like Steve McQueen's.
Suggest modern muscle like Charger. Has 1995 Land Cruiser with supercharged Corvette engine (800 HP by Colvin Automotive), dual exhaust, gun safe—apocalypse car built by Jonathan Ward (TLC). Also '69 Boss with extra-large gas tank, steel bumpers, rock sliders for off-road escape from LA apocalypse.
Push for muscle car over '97 Land Cruiser. Other replicas: RSR Recreations 911 (2,000 lbs, no AC). Too big for old Porsche. Joke about dancing Israelis—don't Google.
Shelby Super Snake R (850 HP), Cadillac CT5-V Blackwing (~700 HP), Buick Regal. Ari resisted nice cars like BMW M3 (2008), stuck with Toyota Corolla, invested in storytelling show (made back quickly). Get house with garage for nice cars.
Offers to buy watch if worn daily—prefers thinner like Omega Speedmaster (astronaut style), not bulky Rolex. Wears G-Shock, Indiglo, metal band. Louis CK gave inscribed Oyster Perpetual (on shelf). Egott gave Norm Macdonald's actual mug from Letterman—best gift, on mantle.
Rodney Dangerfield handwritten Tonight Show notes (bold punchlines), framed in green room—donated by his wife via Whitney. Captures joke-writing spirit. Rodney smoked weed openly in club despite illegality, immune to cops.
As 19-year-old security guard (1986), saw Rodney Dangerfield perform naked under open bathrobe—destroyed with 'I get no respect,' punchline after punchline. Mesmerized, thought he's so free. Quit that job after Neil Young concert riot at Great Woods amphitheater (Mansfield)—fans lit bonfires on lawn, fights broke out after security told them to stop; Larry punched someone. 10 Taekwondo black belts ready to fight but walked out, no last check.
Neil Young pulled music from Spotify over vaccine misinformation but returned; didn't criticize as fan.
Old COVID clip played—brutal, like hostage video. Scientology speedruns: Kids race through buildings, removing doors/handles for deepest penetration—secret prisons? Visited once, gave home address, got book ('good for ages 8 to 80'). Second biggest real estate holders in LA after China. 90s Hollywood career boost via connections (Tom Cruise, Brian in acting class).
Fat principal hero in Oklahoma school shooting: Tackled shooter (former student) at front door, shot in leg, stopped it. Emotional at prom week later. Wayne Coyne reference. Loves brewskis, Viking hero.
Kash Patel 'Your watch is over. We'll see you in Valhalla'—corny. Video on .30-06 round to neck vs. Charlie Kirk depiction; many doubt roof shooter story.
Guy on the roof shot Trump; some think it was a microphone with an implemented destruction device, but no fire or flash visible from microphone. If a rifle shoots the neck from far away, it should go through, creating massive destruction like in ballistic gel tests showing necks blown apart with giant opening wounds and splatter, but Trump had no exit hole.
Shooter Capture and Rumors
Did they catch the guy? Supposedly yes. Rumors he was in Guatemala or Machu Picchu. At a bar in Guatemala, someone asked about Charlie Kirk, thinking he got killed; many layers to that story.
Pass the weed. Legality same as five years ago in US: do it quietly, illegal, can get arrested and end up in Guatemalan jail. Would bail Ari out like A-Team; fly to Guatemala 100%. Let him sit a few days to learn lesson, but he'd get weed anyway. Film rescue as Protect Our Parks in Guatemala national park with witty quotes. State of emergency, gang prisons, riots; Ari in gang getting fucked by Guatemalan dudes.
Political Talk Deflection
Guatemalan weed guys asked about Trump; deflected to their guy who sucks, crooked, takes money from corporations. Better than El Salvador.
El Salvador rules; had tons of gangs, threw them in giant prisons, crime dropped off a cliff. Drove some out, killed the rest. Bukele is a hero, everyone loves him; only country where people say we love our guy. Arrested anyone with tattoo of cop killed with badge number, captured all Nate Diazes. Face tattoos signal not fucking around; some mark loved ones raped for extra points, even own mom. Heard from El Salvadorans at soccer game.
Bukele's Background and Support
Bukele half Arab, good kind, not Palestinian. Went to Independence Day parade, wild love for him. Nicaragua wouldn't let Ari in, had to pretend fake news.
Cartel video: guy tied up, pit bull eating his dick while screaming; shown by doorman at Improv, haunts dreams. Internet hits at different ages stick. Text chain with Segura sharing horrific internet shit, including cartel videos from cop. Cops see tough shit, need Ibogaine. First responders have higher suicide rates; see car accidents daily with legs, splatter, dead babies, moms asking if okay while limbs elsewhere. People hate cops, but not ambulance or firemen.
Three hours in, just getting cooking. J-Mo drunk, bong another beer. Has to go to a thing, can't be drunk. Bathroom breaks: JRE twice with noise. Good to be back, missed this, best one yet. Weird not knowing where Ari was. Texted from unknown number knowing specifics, like hey it's the Jew; changed number overdue, same since 7th grade. Mom calls from Oakland, Tennessee.
Moscow whores? No, Florida, Oakland. Love Oakland song, Raiders. Saw them in Texas, whole game vibe but different, many dead, tribute band feel. Wish real guys alive like Hendrix tribute. Journey: Steve Perry alive but not singing, Filipino replacement; can't replace lead singer or frontman. Saw Foreigner with new guy great, Jukebox Hero live. Saw Foreigner, Styx, Def Leppard then worked factory 4 AM shoveling glue into ice cream packaging machine 12 hours.
Walkabouts planned year in advance. Done Asia, South America. No Russia. Africa cool, Ghana. Philippines. Gaza no good coffee shops anymore, roasted.
JP Morgan Sex Harassment Hoax
Bombshell suit against Ronna McDaniel by John Doe unmasked as fabrication. Guy took her to Raleigh, made up stories: turned up unannounced at apartment, forced sex. She denies, never inappropriate, never at location. Face of horny virgin with Leno nose. Cannons for tits.
Lost virginity to 50-year-old hooker at 16, best night, survivor. Winona Ryder fucked Jamiroquai, he couldn't keep up, she wanted to bang too much, huge mommy milkers bigger than looked, annoying. Had to train for that. Virtual Insanity song, dancing on wall video. She hot, shoplifts.
Platform Censorship
Cross out sex for algorithm. TikTok no juice box emoji. Jews own TikTok now, Larry Ellison bought from China.
Iran story: shot down US weather station, rain returned; but same yearly rain, horse shit. Conspiracies say we control weather, but US bombed more kids. Stolen rain from Iran via cloud seeding grounded by restricted air corridors. Dope Iranian building, make podcast studio like that, Arabic America fuck yeah. They invented numbers.
Great episode, dinner? Next in two months, June 13th. Protect Our Parks available at AriShafir.com starring Shane Gillis, Mark Norman. Bobby Kelly looks terrible. Mark has Netflix special. Tires new season around August. Shout out comedy, parks saved. Jihad.
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