Psychologist: The Woman He Dates Isn't The Woman He Marries | Sadia Khan
In a Nutshell
The core message is that people attract the relationships they deserve based on their self-esteem, boundaries, and what they tolerate—low self-esteem leads to entertaining unavailable, disrespectful partners while high self-esteem enables walking away from poor treatment. The most important takeaways are the "Three A's" framework (Attraction, Admiration, Adoration) for women and "Three L's" framework (Lust, Labor, Loyalty) for men that must all be present for lasting relationships, plus the principle that the woman a man dates differs from the woman he marries because marriage requires self-control, stability, and responsibility rather than just social excitement.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
The first thing people overcome when applying these teachings is their fear of conflict. Fear of conflict stems from a deeper fear of walking away. When people understand that the quality of relationships improves the moment they exercise the ability to walk away when being heartbroken, disrespected, or dehumanized, it brings out the best in their partner. Knowing that someone has that strength actually improves how their partner treats them.
When that strength is removed from relationships, people attract those who will use and abuse them because they see that kindness will be their downfall. Applying these teachings results in having the self-esteem to attract people who are good for you and develop a disdain towards people who treat you badly. This enables better selection and healthier relationship maintenance.
Most people feel they keep attracting unavailable people who don't want to commit and lack emotional capacity for connection. The issue is not what people attract, but what they entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody if they try hard enough. When people have low self-esteem, they hold personal prophecies that people are supposed to be unavailable, pay hard to get, or that it's normal when someone doesn't text back or only texts at 12 a.m. on Friday nights.
Because they normalize these behaviors to themselves, they accept what won't lead to healthy relationships. The moment people figure out what they're entertaining rather than attracting, they can take their power back. They recognize they're attracting all types of men but forming attachments to those who leave them anxious and wondering what the relationship is and where it's going. Instead of being attracted to that, they learn it's a signal of commitment issues that will delay their ability to get married, start a family, or reach their goals.
When people have low self-esteem, they believe nobody is supposed to overly adore and love them, so they accept poor treatment as normal. Unavailable men demonstrate the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable, and because of that mystery, people assume they've got something interesting going on or are busy with alternatives.
When people realize unavailable men are actually emotionally immature rather than special or desirable, they won't be so attracted to someone who can't communicate in a healthy way. The unavailable person is not a special guy with a million things going on whose work is taking over. They're just emotionally immature and don't know how to commit or ward off alternatives to focus on one person.
People who feel rejected too many times and lose faith that someone is out there for them need to examine whether they're actually not matching or disliking who they're matching with. Social media and dating apps create double standards and comparison to algorithms. People compare matches to dream partners they haven't accessed and develop distaste for actual matches.
The more people like themselves and have higher self-esteem, the more they like people who like them. When someone matches with you, you automatically start to like them more because they like you and you like yourself. With low self-esteem, people chase after those they can't access. The advice is to always start with who likes you, then examine whether you share similar demographics and values. People go wrong by glorifying those they're not matching with and wanting love they've never accessed, then comparing actual matches to unrealistic alternatives.
If similarity feels like settling, standards may be too high. Men in their 40s on their second divorce may say they don't want a woman with baggage and need someone 25 years old. Women who aren't working may want an entrepreneur making six figures. People should look for someone similar to themselves. If similar to you feels like settling, standards are inflated.
If what you're bringing to the table matches what you're asking for, you're not asking for too much. If you're asking people to fill gaps in your self-worth, you need to adapt standards. Similarity doesn't mean settling if you're matched in values, maturity, and future vision. Finding someone compatible isn't settling.
People on dating apps commonly experience being ghosted after good conversations. In the digital world, people see each other as disposable with minimal investment, so they don't feel they owe explanations. Ghosting occurs when someone has met alternatives or was on the app to heal from heartbreak rather than genuinely looking for a partner.
If someone ghosts you, don't take it personally. However, if you've been dating and they ghost, they're likely hiding information. Ghosters are poor communicators regardless of their reason. Reduce attraction to people who can't communicate well.
The best predictor of future behavior is past relationships. Patterns don't lie. If you meet someone in their late 30s or early 40s who's never been in a committed relationship and they ghost you or won't commit, that may be their pattern. They may struggle with commitment. If previous relationships involved infidelity or never lasted past three months, those are likely their patterns.
Pay attention to whether someone falls off and doesn't want to commit. It might not be personal but rather their pattern of not being used to settling down or lacking skills and tools for commitment. People who've always been in four or five year relationships have habits for long-lasting relationships. They may treat you like a girlfriend immediately and accelerate into relationships faster.
People coming out of long relationships may be in the habit of calling every day, arranging weekend plans, and doing all the things that feel great. However, if they're not healed, this becomes love bombing where they accelerate residual feelings from their previous relationship onto you. This speeds up the relationship faster than psychological compatibility warrants. You may find yourself catapulted into a relationship by someone acting on habit rather than actual compatibility.
The top issues clients present are men being cheated on by women and women unable to get men to commit. Men getting cheated on or men not being masculine enough are common themes. There's not much discussion about women cheating, and men don't talk to each other when cheated on because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. Women can confide in each other more easily.
Men lacking masculinity often grew up without male role models in single parent homes where they saw their mothers making all decisions and doing all the hard work. They think that's what women want. They believe women want to make all decisions, do everything around the house, and be in control. They become indecisive, don't problem-solve, allow women to take complete lead, and follow too much.
Women may initially find this attractive, thinking he's docile and passive. Later they find such men exhausting, particularly when children arrive. They can't rely on him to make decisions because he doesn't trust his own judgment and lacks protective or provider instincts. She ends up doing a dual role.
Men lacking masculinity have problems setting boundaries. The effective way to set boundaries is finding the perfect balance between being stern and sensitive. Some men are too stern and become abusive when setting boundaries, using name-calling. Other men are too sensitive and get too soft, allowing any behavior while suppressing their true feelings.
To get the right balance, be stern about what you want while being sensitive to her needs. Remind her how much you love her and want to save the relationship. For example, if she's talking to an ex, be stern about not feeling comfortable while being sensitive about loving her and wanting a healthy relationship without outside interference.
Some men who saw their mothers struggle want to relieve their partners of all struggles. They want to save women and ensure they have no troubles and live in complete comfort. However, removing all struggle from someone's life causes them to lose purpose and resent you for not allowing them to problem-solve themselves.
These men may become people-pleasing or solve every problem she could potentially have. She doesn't get to fulfill her own potential, which leads to resentment. The lack of male role models significantly impacts how men behave with women.
Men who lack masculinity may choose heavily traumatized women, those who've never worked, or those struggling with addictions. They like being able to show and help these women recover. When these women do recover, they want a man with higher self-esteem who wouldn't tolerate negative behavior. They may look at their helper and question why he tolerated all of that, wondering what's wrong with him.
Women experience this too. They think showing consistency, caring, and love through someone's addiction will make them loved more. When the person recovers, they look for someone with higher self-esteem. All that investment can go to waste.
The unconscious contract matters when helping people. Some help with the unconscious expectation that the more they help, the more the person will love them in return. People can sense when help isn't genuine. When someone sees through the contract that their loyalty and commitment was expected in return for help, they may become ungrateful.
The best way to communicate you're there for love rather than approval is having deal breakers. People go wrong by being complete doormats where nothing will ever make them leave. Being loving without approval-seeking means having limits to what you can take. If there's no gratitude, respect, honor, and loyalty, you will leave.
Having no deal breakers while consistently loving someone who takes from you signals low self-esteem and incorrect attachment. To prevent getting cheated on, become a person who never gets cheated on rather than just spotting red flags in others.
Women don't typically cheat because men are toxic. Women stay loyal in toxic relationships. They're most likely to cheat on men who lack masculinity. Women are more loyal to toxic men than to men who are too passive, naive, and people-pleasing.
The softness, naivety, inability to spot red flags, believing everything, not questioning anything, and fear of asserting boundaries makes women lose sexual attraction. They crave somebody with more masculinity. Women don't cheat because he's bad to her. They cheat because they're not in love with a man who is too soft and doesn't assert himself.
A man who is not protective enough will fail to intervene when his partner spends time with an ex-boyfriend or engages in disrespectful behavior. When a man does not stand up for himself, the woman loses respect for him and begins crossing new boundaries because she believes he will remain regardless of her actions. Giving a partner the belief that forgiveness and love will remain consistent regardless of behavior creates the impression that unconditional disrespect will be tolerated, leading partners to push boundaries further.
Men must remain aware of when they are being disrespected. To prevent infidelity, individuals should understand their partner's true needs and assess whether they can commit to meeting those needs. If someone has a high sex drive that cannot be matched or requires financial support that cannot be provided, the relationship will suffer. Additionally, partners must know that infidelity will result in the relationship ending. When signals are given that behavior will be accepted regardless of actions, infidelity becomes more likely.
Early warning signs include a partner remaining on Tinder after being caught, continuing to communicate with others after discovery, or repeated boundary violations. These should be addressed by making it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated and that the relationship will end if it continues. When partners learn that statements are genuine, they naturally improve their conduct.
When someone continues disrespecting despite being made aware, the only option is to withdraw and remove access. This is the only way to teach people how to treat others correctly by removing the benefits of the relationship. Some hesitate due to fear of loss, but remaining only leads to increased disrespect. Sometimes being with the wrong person creates more loneliness than being alone.
A strong social network is as important as a healthy relationship. Without one, codependency develops. A social network reduces the fear of walking away when needed, preventing tolerance of increased abuse due to fear of solitude.
Women fall in love in three stages, called the three A's. If any stage is missing, the relationship will break down either quickly or slowly.
Attraction comes first. Physical attraction is necessary because it naturally fades with familiarity. Without initial attraction, romantic relationships cannot develop, which explains why many male friendships never become romantic.
Admiration is the second stage. A woman must admire the man independently of her influence. This includes having a good job, a strong friend network, self-control with money, body, and sexual behavior, and not being an addict. She must genuinely admire who he is as a person.
Adoration is the third stage. The man must show adoration, reassurance, and affection. When all three are present, relationships are more likely to succeed. Missing any ingredient leads to breakdown—adoration without attraction feels like neediness, while attraction without admiration leads to eventual loss of interest, especially when children arrive.
The three A's are equal in importance. Having attraction and admiration without adoration creates a toxic dynamic where one begs for affection and compliments. Having admiration and adoration without attraction leads women to question themselves, wondering why they cannot love someone wonderful despite lacking physical chemistry.
The three A's do not require extremes. A husband does not need to be exceptionally handsome or have cured cancer. Basic attraction combined with admiration for his character and receiving adoration is sufficient. Missing these ingredients results in either a quick toxic end or a slow breakdown from lack of genuine attraction.
Men require three elements to truly fall in love, called the three L's.
Lust is the first requirement. Sexual attraction is necessary, and without it, men will shift attention elsewhere, especially given the saturation of pornography. There must be sexual connection and synergy.
Labor is the second element. Men need to invest emotional and financial labor in their partner. Taking her places, buying things, and providing emotional support creates investment that motivates relationship preservation. Without investment, men feel unbothered when relationships end.
Loyalty is the third requirement. Men need to feel loyal and have that loyalty reciprocated. Without loyalty, they are not truly in love. If loyalty is not reciprocated, they remain stuck in the lust stage.
Men who invest significantly, maintain loyalty, but lack attraction often turn to pornography excessively, creating a slippery slope. Lust must exist before other qualities can be properly valued. Men deprived of intimacy either chose partners they were never attracted to or ruined intimacy through excessive pornography use. When intimacy dies, motivation for loyalty decreases.
Women sometimes remove labor requirements hoping to appear low-maintenance, avoiding requests for dates or marriage discussions. This actually increases chances of being viewed as a short-term fling rather than someone worth loyalty. Being too easy removes motivation for serious commitment.
The key difference between the woman a man dates and the woman he marries is stability and responsibility. A highly social man who drinks heavily and maintains an active social life works well for dating and vacations, but marriage requires self-control.
Men need self-control in sexual discipline, food consumption, and financial management. Without self-control, daily anxiety results from inability to trust decision-making. Men with self-control enable trust in judgment and the ability to build families and goals.
Men receive messages encouraging zero sexual discipline, hedonism, and impulse following. This replacement of self-control with self-indulgence creates slow depression. Self-respect only develops through self-control, which enables excellence. Without self-control, partners spend their lives attempting to control the man, bringing out their worst sides and becoming mothers to unwanted children.
Sexual discipline is particularly critical because men lack autonomy over whether children are born or remain. Choosing the wrong partner and bringing children into a broken relationship creates generations of damaged children. Men must exercise greater caution with sexual partners because they cannot control outcomes the way women can.
Women face difficulty preserving themselves because refusing early sexual intimacy often results in men losing interest entirely. The recommendation is to avoid accelerating physical intimacy beyond psychological intimacy.
Psychological intimacy involves similarity in goals and values, including aligned visions for five, six, or ten years ahead and shared values that support reaching those goals. Chemistry involves simply enjoying someone's company, which can exist without alignment.
When physical intimacy precedes psychological intimacy, sex enhances insecurities and anxieties about the relationship, lowering self-esteem when returning to the dating market. Physical intimacy should follow the pace of psychological intimacy to create genuine closeness rather than substituting for meaningful connection. When couples become physically intimate before discovering incompatibilities, they often prolong relationships unnecessarily.
It's really difficult for the woman with good intentions to find a man in this day and age. The woman that's not prepared to lead sexually and lead with that, she finds herself being overlooked by the women that are. And so, and a bit like some men, they're maybe they don't want to lead with finances, but they find themselves being overlooked. So, the people who are actually going into relationships with the correct intentions are finding it the most difficult.
You shouldn't lower your standards. Keep your intrinsic standards high and your extrinsic ones low. Keep your standards of how you like to be treated emotionally really high. Do you like text back? Do you like labels? Do you like regular dates? Keep that high. Or regular time together. Doesn't even have to be dates. Keep that high. But keep your extrinsic values like does he take me on holidays? Is he going to buy me this? Is he got sent me flowers? Keep those low. They're not relevant in the long run.
If someone cheats on you, it's partly your fault. The reason is most cheaters come with smoking guns on the first date. There's always some signal that their behavior was not transparent. And whenever you catch them cheating, usually it's they say, I always knew because from day one they were like this. People usually don't lie. They might say lies, but they show you their red flags pretty much from day one. It might have been that they were in a relationship when you met them. Or it might have been that you caught them in a few lies when you first got with them. You would have caught some signs that this person is capable of deeper lies.
When we keep ignoring poor behavior, what ends up happening is we are becoming distant from the truth. We are going into denial. Even if your partner is cheating, you have to have radical relationship with the truth. There are some women out there that are mistresses. They're so happy in that role because they know the truth. They know that he goes there, spends time with his wife, I'll see him when I see him. Truth is really important. So the more you align yourself with truth, the more you won't actually get blindsided.
When you start missing red flags again and again, you haven't been intimate in months, nobody's not coming home on time, nothing's adding up, and you keep making excuses, unfortunately, we create the environment for these types of people to flourish. It's almost better that you protect your own home and protect your own sanity. It doesn't mean you become accusatory, but you know that your treatment is not what you appreciate. And if they continue like that, they don't have to cheat. The behavior is enough for you to start setting a boundary. And the behaviors, you don't need some cheaters will say, "Well, you can't prove anything." Cheaters will always want you to catch them red-handed. You as the person should say, "I don't need red-handed evidence. I can see your behaviors not treating me rightly." Stop them there before they get to the point where they're disrespecting you more and more.
That's where the gaslighting comes in. People get gas lit. They do get gaslighted really heavily. The gaslighting is very very real but the feeling they give you is always true. They'll lie to you or their words, their lips will be low. But your feeling, that gut instinct that something's not right or they're lying to you, try and pay attention to that. And even if you never get evidence, that feeling, it is partly your partner's responsibility to help soothe those anxieties, not make them worse. So if you have that feeling and they're just like, babe, like whatever you need, like to make you feel better, no problem. I've got nothing to hide. But if they get less and less transparent, try and pay attention to that.
If you pay attention to the signs that you're seeing, you don't let yourself be in a position where you're taking advantage of. Know your partner better than they know themselves. So the moment they start changing, you spot it quicker than they can. And so, and I'm sure you have this with Ravi where you probably know her so so well that it would be difficult for her to have a double life without you. You'd know her behaviors, the way she moves, how she talks, how she kisses you, everything. You pay close attention. Where you pay so much attention to your partner, it's quite difficult for them to live a whole devil's life without you catching on. So try and stay attuned as much as you can.
Some men are committed to their marriage. And what that means is they're committed to that woman. As she changes, as they changes, they commit to each other. They're loyal to the person that they married and they will stay loyal forever. Some men are just loyal to the woman they fell in love with. As long as she stays exactly like the person they met, they'll stay loyal. When she starts to change, they'll get more and more disloyal because they don't accept change. You just have to decide what type of person you are. Are you deciding to commit to the marriage and actually what that means is following them through their evolution, getting to know them at every stage and staying loyal throughout it. But if you're somebody who's just committing to the person you fell in love with, the moment that person starts to change, which they inevitably will, your eyes will start to wonder. So, it might be good to have that conversation with each other. Which one are we? And can we try and shift to being loyal to the marriage rather than just each other so that we can help each other evolve and remain consistent while we do change.
What can a woman do to make sure a man doesn't cheat on her? Have a willingness to walk away when she's being disrespected. That's all it really takes. When men know that you will always be there for them. You're their ride or die. You accept any kind of disrespect. They've been abusive, you accept it. They've been coming home late, you accept it. They are talking to other people, you accept it. And you always make excuses for them. I know you love him and I know your love is unconditional but respect shouldn't be unconditional. You shouldn't be treated disrespectfully regardless of that behavior. And when and I know human behavior we should appreciate the person that is loyal to us. We should appreciate the person who loves us regardless. We just don't. Unfortunately, we just don't. So when they see that your love is totally unconditional, they will start abusing that love that you have for them. But when they learn that you love them, you're very loyal to them, you care about them, but that doesn't give them a license to abuse you or hurt you, then they are more likely to stay in line. So I think the thing that prevents them from truly cheating is knowing that you have a willingness to walk away and you don't tolerate this level of disrespect. They start to show you a bit more respect.
I've noticed so many men who have cheated on their wives and they were felt no guilt, zero guilt. The moment she filed for divorce, they were besides themselves. So for the year that they were cheating, they were having the time of their life. The day she filed for divorce, they're besides themselves crying hysterically because at some point unconscious level they thought she would never actually do that. The day she did that is when the realization all sunk in. So when the person knows that you're not too afraid to take that route, they're more likely to be respectful. It's not threatening people with it. It's actually doing it for real just once.
The more realistic vow to say to each other, not even just marriages as a couple, is if and when my feelings start to change, I will communicate it with you. And that way we can work on the relationship. Where people go wrong is as and when their feelings change they don't they avoid communication and they outsource their happiness from somewhere else or they numb their pain through a coping mechanism. The better vow to take is if and when my feelings ever change instead of hurting you and disrespect you, I will come straight to you and we can try and fix it and if we can't fix it, we will separate on respectful terms. But doing things that cause permanent damage is just not acceptable. But it's a seriousness of like if you go too I'm not saying have that divorce word ever. But have deal breakers. What I mean by deal breakers is just one or two things that if this happened in my relationship there's just no negotiation. It might be hitting, it might be cheating. It's there's a deal breaker. If you sense that our partner has no deal breakers, they're more likely to attract narcissistic partners. They're more likely to attract abusers. They're more likely to attract takers. But if you come with a clear deal breakers, people can sense that confidence in you. And they usually you don't attract people who are going to do your deal breakers anyway.
If a man cheats on a woman, can they recover? It depends on the reason. It becomes a point of contention pretty much permanently. You can only forgive a person if the cause of the cheating is somewhat understandable. If a woman cheats on a man, you can never forgive her. She's going to cheat on you forever and you she's just using you for free accommodation. Usually, when a woman cheats on a man, there's usually very little recovery. But then I would have clients and the woman would say to me, he deprived me of sex for six years, four years, he wasn't sleeping with you. I didn't know what to do. As a one, I had I was so lost. I didn't know. And my culture, we don't get divorced. I didn't know what to do. In those circumstances, it's like, did they really cheat or did you push them to that point? Are they actually an inherent cheat or did the circumstance of that relationship bring out the worst in them? If they're an inherent cheat and they do it from day one, they did it even while you're good to them, even while you're consistent and caring, all of these things, I don't think there's any point recovering that relationship. But if it was something that happened in the relationship that brought out the worst in them and you can repair what happened in that relationship, then perhaps you can give it a chance. Particularly, you've deprived each other of intimacy because that's usually the main cause. If you've deprived each other of intimacy, it's almost a bit unfair to expect your partner to be loyal for five, six, seven years if you've never given them any intimacy and they're still human. They got needs. So, I can understand in those circumstances that they might do things that are out of character.
It's always hard because when people look at it from their own perspective, they're always like, "But I was loving to you the whole time." It's almost like, "But I was good to you." And the other person's like, "Well, I didn't see it that way." Well, you might have been good to me, but the needs weren't met. You might be and I know couples that have never fought, no fights, no nothing, but they just didn't have any intimacy for years. Or they might have been a couple that actually don't fight, no issues in that term, but there might be some emotional needs that they just weren't kissing or hugging or saying nice things to each other. So it's the needs rather than just a surface of the relationship that matters more.
What have you seen when you're, as you said, we started with this idea that men who've been cheated on by women. What have you seen the success rates of healing growth for that individual even if they don't stay with the same person? I find that men that get cheated on once tend to get cheated on in every relationship. And I know that sounds terrible, but there's something about them getting cheated on in one relationship. They tend to get it a lot. The reason why is because firstly, there's something broken in their selection. They're selecting women that need a lot of repair and have a lot of trauma and have a lot of issues. So, they're selecting women who aren't truly attracted to them, but they're super attracted to that partner and they're trying to be useful to get that woman's attachment. The second thing is when they do meet a woman that has a few red flags, they are so so passive with those red flags. They don't have the ability to set boundaries. They don't know when to set say no. They feel like they're being toxic if they have any kind of needs or wants. So, they just become too placid. And in those cases, what ends up happening is they attract women with a lot of red flags because they don't have the strength to stand up for women that do. So what ends up happening is they tend to be in a cycle of attracting that unfortunately. So they usually selecting women with a lot of trauma and a lot of issues and a lot of unhealed like behavior. And then when they see that unhealed behavior, they don't know how to set that boundary. And they usually forgive cheating. I think one thing that is underspoken about is men forgive female cheating far more than we realize. I would say majority of men forgive it, but they just don't talk about it. The problem is the more you forgive him, there's something about women that do lose a bit of respect when a man is super forgiving. I know that sounds terrible. It's not that we want someone toxic, but we want somebody that has some boundaries. And when we learn that he has zero, she might at first be really grateful. She at first she might like, "Thank you for forgiving me or whatever it is." But later on, what he hasn't understood is for her to actually cheat on yours, something's missing in those three A's. They haven't been addressed. Either the attraction admiration or the adoration something's been missing. And usually when you forgive too many mis misdemeanors, the admiration for the man starts to go down and therefore there's an inevitable end. I could be wrong, but in my experience, I've always seen that men that forgive cheating, they end up getting cheated again by the woman that they forgave and in the future they tend to find it again and again.
It's slightly different. It's like the chances of him cheating again do go up, but usually I do find if the intimacy is consistent, they tend to be relatively faithful. As the intimacy drops, the chances of infidelity increases. And when women realize that, okay, yeah, maybe we didn't have so much intimacy, she's not as angry. It's only when she realized she did do her job and he still did it, then she gets furious and then she finds it really difficult to forgive. So, it depends more on the intimacy than the actual respect when men cheat.
I want to shift to talking about the female client. The one who says, "I want a man to commit, but he's not." I think that's super common. I think people are feeling like, "Hey, we're 30, we're mid30s, we're 40. Why does he not want to commit?" Well, first of all, unfortunately, there's a lot of men that are raised in homes with divorce nowadays. So, they what happens is they they see a divorce in their family. And whenever you're raised with a divorce, you either really really cherish commitment and just never want to get a divorce and want to stay with one person forever. But the more common response particularly for men is to avoid intimacy and emotional intimacy as much as possible. You just don't want to get too vulnerable. So we're dealing with a men a market of men that have witnessed divorce and a little bit anxious of getting committing.
If you are a man that has commitment issues. If you're trying to work out because a lot of men think that oh it's not commitment issues. I don't have commitment. She's such she's like this or she's too needy or she's they try and blame the woman. If it was truly something wrong with the woman then why are you with her? I always ask them why are you with her? Why don't you just leave her and let her find somebody who's who's going to commit? So then they realize actually there's nothing wrong with her. There must be something in them. If you suffer from commitment issues, the best thing to do is make a as a man try and be a bit logical. Make a risk assessment. What are the worst things that can happen if I commit to this woman? How bad can it be? If it's like, oh, she's really toxic. She's really abusive. She's going to cheat on me. Fine, no problem. Then maybe just exit. But if you find that the risks are quite low and the behaviors are quite good, then you don't lose anything from committing. Nothing is going to actually happen. What? Whatever your fear is, it's irrational. So try and work out the risks of that relationship. If there's not too many risks, try and just commit because only through commitment you'll realize if you're compatible. Without commitment, you can't actually get to compatibility. And the reason being is because when we're not committed, we dilute the attachment. We're kind of talking to this person here. We're going there. We're not truly committed. The moment you commit, you realize if you're right or wrong for each other, and then it speeds up your own time. You're not wasting your own time with the wrong person. So commitment is actually very useful for both parties to realize where it's going.
What about for the woman who's waiting for him to commit? She's tried to have the conversation with him. He's not opening up. He can't really reflect on this idea that he wants to commit. What does she do? I would say, look, in my experience of women who have had to push their partner into ultimatum, into getting commitment, the man you end up being married to is not a man you'll actually be happy with. The men that are pushed into commitment tend to resent their partners for making them a married man. They get angry at small signs of intimacy. They get annoyed that they have to be loving to you. They get annoyed that they have to check in with you every day and tell you what time they're coming home and what time dinner's going to be ready. They resent the patterns of being married. So, the more you're pushing this man that doesn't want commitment into commitment, you're only going to access a relationship that won't truly make you happy anyway. So, when you're forcing them and putting their ultimatums, it's better to ask yourself, is this man who he truly is right now somebody I can actually be married to? If the answer is, yo, he's got potential, maybe if he committed, then try not to. But if it's like, "Yes, he is." Um, then he would naturally like commitment. So ask yourself, is it truly someone worth pushing into commitment? Because usually they turn into a very negative person when you push them into commitment anyway.
I'm not a fan at all. I'm not a fan. Why don't you like them? And are you sure you love them? Because if you have to force them to become a person they're not in order to please you, are you sure you love the real them? Because every time I meet a woman who's suffering in a marriage, I ask them, "Did he want to get married?" Because the things you because usually a lot of these women are not asking for a lot. They'll say, "I just asked him to spend some time with me after work, or I just asked that maybe we can get a kiss when he walks in." And he makes it out like it's such a big deal. He's like, "Leave me alone." He gets so aggressive about it. And then I ask him, "Did you push him to get married?" And she's like, "Yeah, we well, I told him, I'm turning 34 this year. If you don't marry me, I'm gone." And, you know, he got nervous and did it. But unfortunately, those ultimatums just bring out the resentment in the man or the woman. Or the other way around, it brings out their resentment and they're mean to you. And are you sure you want to marry somebody who's going to be mean?
The opposite of commitment is actually comfort. The point is they're comfortable and that's what they want. And so when you're forcing commitment, you're basically saying, I want you to be uncomfortable. Just simple things. I'll have clients, it's just a simple thing of just going to bed at the same time. He doesn't want to do it. He want to be like, I don't I want to go at the time I want to go. So the acts of marriage, do the behaviors of marriage feel uncomfortable to that man? If they do, then you're going to create a husband that you actually don't aren't happy with, and it's going you're going to suffer.
Can you save a bad relationship? Yes, you really you can save a bad relationship, but it's difficult if the both people don't want to. The only way you can save a bad relationship is if both people truly want to and they're just misunderstanding each other. The relationships that are difficult to save is when the p when one of the person is far more attached than the other. When one person is really wanting the relationship to work and the other person is simply not attracted, not invested and not committed, then what ends up happening is the only way it can be saved is the beggar in the relationship demands less and less and less. And that's usually the dynamic when one person wants it more than the other. You get a beggar in the relationship. And just like beggars on the street, when they ask for a bit, you'll give them a bit, but when they ask for a lot, you're like, "Go away. You're a beggar. Like I'll give you bare minimum." That's how couples start to treat the person who begs to be with them. So when you enter that dynamic, it's very difficult to fix. But when you enter a dynamic where we don't know why we keep butting heads, we love each other. I don't know why it's not working. Then it's probably just something wrong in understanding each other's core needs. And it's very easy to fix those people.
Talk about those tiny things. So that when you have big things like having kids or travel or parent issues, you're not as scared. It's not so bad. But then I do find what relationships happen in relationships. There's relationships that have pains which are ups and downs. Maybe they miscarriage, maybe things go wrong, busy with work, and there's relationships that are suffering, which is simply a consequences of poor decisions when you've chosen the wrong person. Pains will happen in every marriage. Every marriage will have ups and downs, financial issues, babies will come, babies will go, god forbid, parents get sick. Those are pains in marriages. These are to be expected and it can cause rough periods. Suffering is when even without those, there are emotional consequences of just choosing the wrong partner. And daily daily things, small things become big fights. You just want to hold hands, they get angry at that. You just want to spend more time, they get angry at that. Your life starts to feel like suffering. And when it's more suffering than it is pain, then it's a bit harder to fix those marriages. You're not going to necessarily get divorced. No. But then that's fine. That's actually not so end of the world. As long as it's not so toxic. If you've got
In modern dating culture, reaching a stage where a relationship is "kind of okay, it's not so bad" represents a significant win rather than a failure. After 10 years together, having consistent attraction, admiration, and adoration without instability is actually a positive outcome. The key distinction lies between relationships that begin without these elements and deteriorate into suffering, versus those that maintain steady peace without dramatic highs.
The focus should shift from seeking constant relationship highs to avoiding deep lows. Even without grand gestures, exciting experiences, or poetic romance, the absence of toxic lows creates a valuable sense of peace. This peace represents a win in relationships, and it's toxic to assume relationships should always maintain high emotional states. Without dealbreakers, relationships may lack excitement but will provide relatively peaceful marriages.
The most harmful statement to someone experiencing a breakup is "well, you knew he was like that anyway, so what's the problem." While people often recognize problematic patterns in their partners, dwelling on the other person's flaws represents the least important aspect of healing. The healing process requires rediscovering oneself rather than focusing on what the other person did wrong. Understanding personal patterns and selection criteria, then improving one's life, allows feelings for the ex to naturally disappear.
When someone believed they would spend their life with a partner who didn't share that vision, the most helpful perspective is recognizing that the entire vision—marriage, children, holidays—remains attainable with someone new. The traits loved in the previous partner exist in others who can fulfill that vision without the problematic characteristics. The key realization is that life happiness and relationship goals aren't tied to one specific person.
Relationship goals are more important than any individual person. When someone moves on after a breakup, it's impossible to simultaneously feel hurt and happy for them. To remove personal hurt, one must actively try to feel happy for the ex, not for their sake but for personal healing. This involves wishing them better treatment of future partners than they showed in the previous relationship, which attracts positive energy back into one's own life.
Closure comes through observing behavior rather than receiving explanations. When someone leaves without warning or explanation, their willingness to abandon the relationship provides all necessary closure—they didn't value the person as much as assumed. Words often serve to make the other person feel better or hide real reasons, making them unreliable. Actions, even painful ones like breaking up via text, reveal true character and provide genuine closure.
The ego seeks final conversations and validation, wanting the last word or to reject the other person. The soul recognizes when someone isn't right because suffering wouldn't exist if they were the correct match. Paying attention to behavior rather than seeking conversations allows the soul's wisdom to guide healing. The goal is reaching emotional neutrality toward the ex, which accelerates the healing process.
Ego-driven actions focus on looking good in front of others—posting pictures with new people, making the ex jealous, or seeking validation. Soul-driven choices focus on what actually feels right internally. Testing this involves asking whether actions would occur if the ex didn't exist. If the answer is yes, the motivation is genuine; if no, ego is driving the behavior. Acting as though the person doesn't exist reveals authentic desires.
A paradox exists where women seeking commitment and committed men aren't finding each other, with both genders experiencing poor treatment in relationships. Nice people often fail to attract each other because they feel less useful when paired with equally kind partners, preferring relationships where they can feel like the "nice person" compared to someone tougher. Healing self-esteem creates natural distaste for poor treatment and increases attraction to healthy behavior.
Best relationship advice: "Pick peace over pleasure. Always choose somebody who will give you more peace than pleasure if you want a long-lasting relationship."
Worst relationship advice: "You are somebody's dream girl or don't set up a list"—anything inflating unrealistic relationship visions makes finding the right person more difficult.
Common misconception about love: Love should be unconditional. Conditions are necessary to avoid attracting people who abuse kindness.
Previous belief about love: Being with someone who loves you intensely is sufficient, but without mutual attraction, it manifests as neediness.
Universal law: "You treat people behind their back as you do in front of them." This eliminates the need for partner regulation and creates authentic relationships through consistent behavior regardless of monitoring.
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