Dating Coach: The #1 Sign He’ll Actually Stay with You | Jillian Turecki
In a Nutshell
The #1 sign someone will stay with you is that they treat you well, you can be your real self with them, and you share core values—because values, not chemistry or charisma, keep relationships intact when life gets hard. Stop chasing people who aren't into you or texting endlessly without meeting, and stop expecting instant transformation or perfection. Instead, build self-awareness, speak up early, give people a chance beyond the initial spark, and focus on those who respect you and align with how you want to live.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
The top question people ask is what are the three biggest mistakes they're making in dating right now. The first mistake is focusing only on dating apps. While apps aren't necessarily discouraged, relying on them exclusively leads to burnout and exhaustion from meeting strangers. Instead, people need to expand their circle and try new things to let relationships unfold organically.
The second mistake is impatience. It's not every day that you meet someone with whom you want to build a relationship, and it's not easy. Being proactive means treating dating like a business—going on dates every week with low expectations rather than sitting passively waiting for someone to appear.
The third mistake is high expectations. People get excited texting with someone and feel a vibe, but then meet in person and don't feel a spark, which leads to learned helplessness—the belief that "it's never going to happen" and that the current state is permanent.
People get into very long texting exchanges lasting weeks, which creates a false sense of intimacy. They feel they have an amazing connection without ever having met the person, and sometimes they never meet at all. The recommendation is to text back and forth for about a day, then make a date to meet—either in person, on FaceTime, or Zoom. Time is too precious to waste texting with a stranger who may not be available for a month or more.
Fear of rejection is at the root of many dating behaviors. People text for a month because they don't have to face potentially meeting someone and being rejected. Rejection comes in two forms: the person doesn't want you, or you don't want them because they don't meet your expectations. Both types of rejection are difficult because dating feels personal. It's one thing to be rejected by someone you love, but another to be rejected by a stranger. Life's quality is determined by how well you can confront rejection—you're not going to be for everyone, and if someone isn't into you, they absolutely are not for you.
Building resilience against rejection makes a person more attractive and is simply part of life. You have to trust that you're not for everyone and not everyone is for you. If you want love and a relationship, you have to go for it and can't be passive. You're looking for one person to fall in love with and for you to fall in love with, which means meeting a lot of people to find that one person.
The advice to go in with the lowest baseline expectation allows things to become a friendship, a nothing-ship, or whatever they naturally become, rather than walking in expecting the next person to be your wife, husband, or partner. Speeding up love is an addiction and obsession—wanting to meet the one now, get married now, and accelerate love.
There is no "the one"—people actually choose who the one is. Love is both a feeling and a choice, and if you decide to be with someone long-term, you'll have to make that choice many times throughout the relationship. People rush because they've been conditioned by society and romanticism to believe there's one person who will rescue them and make everything easier.
To slow down, acknowledge the feeling when there's chemistry. Process the enthusiasm and remind yourself to uncover the person's character and values. Get clearer on what you need versus what you prefer. Understand yourself and what you need to function in a relationship. The person you partner with is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make, and rushing does yourself a disservice.
Theories exist about why people are attracted to those not into them while being uninterested in those who are. One theory is that when someone isn't paying attention, it triggers attraction because we put them on a pedestal and assume there's something special about them. Self-esteem plays a major role—lower self-esteem leads to putting people on pedestals, while healthy self-esteem recognizes that no one is better than anyone else.
People project their ideal partner onto someone who looks like a childhood crush or has surface-level qualities they desire. They believe getting this person means getting everything they've ever wanted and being validated. Deeper childhood wounds also play a role—if a parent was rejecting, you may unconsciously believe you have to work hard to earn love rather than simply being yourself.
Fear of intimacy is another factor. Being into someone who's into you means being vulnerable and emotionally available, which can feel scary. It's easier to pursue someone emotionally unavailable. This may require therapy and examining family of origin patterns.
Women dating men often want to feel safe, seen, and understood. They may look for a man who appears strong and tough on the outside, interpreting this as protection and masculinity. However, he may be broken inside, not know how to love himself, and be emotionally unsafe. Maturity involves understanding that true safety comes from someone with strong character, presence, and a sense of self—someone who can feel safe in their own body and provide safety in the relationship.
One of the biggest problems in relationships is seeing someone's interest as their weakness and their lack of interest as their strength. This stems from low self-esteem and self-worth. The filter of "what's wrong with you that you're into me" needs to shift to recognizing personal power to create change. It's rarely one person who's 100% the problem—relationship dynamics are products of choices made, often influenced by family patterns where parents said they loved each other but their actions suggested otherwise.
Building self-esteem and self-awareness requires being willing to look at hard things while acknowledging strength. Acknowledge all the miles walked, struggles overcome, and resilience shown just to be a human being. Get curious about yourself as a complex, nuanced, quirky person. Problems don't make you unique—millions of people worry about the same things. Healing happens when you acknowledge how you've been standing in your own way.
The belief that "there are no good men left" or "all the good ones are taken" is a mindset issue. A story illustrates this: a woman believed all men just want sex, reinforced by her dating experiences. However, she was choosing men who treated her poorly and giving them second dates, thereby training them to continue that behavior. She was part of the problem by rewarding behavior she claimed to dislike.
Beliefs create mindset, and reality reflects belief systems. People reinforce beliefs without realizing it. The solution involves challenging whether the belief is really true, examining where it was adopted, and recognizing how it's being reinforced. Sometimes bad experiences happen, but that doesn't mean it's everyone. Changing your type is necessary because continuing to pursue the same type produces the same results.
You have to be attracted to the person if you want to sleep with them, but also train yourself to be drawn to certain qualities like someone's character. Give people a chance even if there isn't an immediate spark. Chemistry isn't always instant and can sometimes turn on like a light switch after three or four dates. When you get home from a date and think you had a good time but aren't quite sure about the spark, or that they're not really your type, that internal chatter is worth examining.
The word going around today is someone's aura or their charisma. If you see someone's aura and you're attracted to it, so is everyone else in the room. You're not special and don't have a special inclination towards that person, and chances are that aura doesn't make them a good partner. Being attracted to someone's intelligence, the way they speak, or how well they're dressed with swag and charisma doesn't mean they have good character or make a good partner. Having an amazing job, making money, and driving a great car is not their character and doesn't make them a good partner. Everything we're attracted to about someone isn't what makes them a good partner or good at a relationship.
Some of the most intelligent, charming, witty, beautiful people on the planet are also the most unhealthy and the ones who will harm you emotionally. Never date someone you're not attracted to, but with maturity, age, and wisdom, you start to find other things attractive. Being really present and a good listener isn't a guarantee of attraction, but if someone isn't present, isn't a good listener, and isn't interested, that's definitely going to be a turn-off.
In the past, red flags and intuition that felt off would be suppressed in order to be seductive, lure someone in, get validation, because you think they're hot, or maybe there's something there. With maturity and a clearer sense of self, these things are recognized as actual turn-offs. No one is ever fully whole, and the idea that two whole people come together is a lie. Having no sense of self and no center is problematic too. Life isn't binary but exists in the gray area.
Having a clear understanding of yourself means knowing what's important to you, understanding what you struggle with, and finding self-acceptance even amid ambivalence toward things you don't quite like about yourself. You can hold yourself in high regard while being keenly aware of imperfections and the ways in which you're difficult. Healing means being familiar with the parts of yourself that are good and maybe not so great, still accepting yourself, and seeing that you have intrinsic value and deserve love.
The more you understand how to meet your needs better, understand what your needs are, and learn how to stand on your own two feet emotionally and financially, the more who you're attracted to changes. Things you used to be attracted to become less attractive. You can actually compartmentalize and recognize when you're attracted to someone but know they would never be the right partner, putting them in a box and not pursuing that. This doesn't mean you can't be attracted to a really good person, just that you can be attracted to many different people for many different reasons. The more you heal and grow, the more you find qualities that are less charm-forward very attractive.
One of the challenges is that many people in their 30s are still chasing their 16-year-old crush, and even into their 40s. They're wanting a relationship they wanted back then, and because it was never satisfied in their teens or 20s, they spend their 30s and 40s still looking for it. In your teens, all you wanted was pleasure, fun, and chemistry. But what you actually want in your 30s or 40s is peace, connection, and a sense of comfort as opposed to the unease of wondering if you like each other today.
Attraction isn't what keeps people together. Being attracted to your partner would be a very weak reason to stay with someone because you can be attracted to many people. The reason you stay with someone is because there's peace, there's no drama, both forgive quickly, both move on from things, there's friendship, and problems are dealt with in an enjoyable way. After 11 years together and 8 years married, attraction isn't what kept the relationship together.
A friend went on a date and messaged afterward saying the person was perfect, said all the right things, shared the same values, was a great family guy with character, but she couldn't believe she didn't want to go on a second date. The 16-year-old self wanted shiny butterflies and almost dangerous excitement, but that wasn't there. Everyone has to mature and grow up to ask what their 30, 40, or 50-year-old self actually wants and needs right now, rather than being stuck in a 16-year-old mind.
If you haven't dated for a long time, your age of relationship is actually much younger than your actual age. There are people accustomed to very unhealthy relationships with push-pull dynamics and toxicity, where physical intimacy is the glue that keeps it together. Someone might get out of such a relationship and think they may not ever have sex like that again. They probably won't, but that's okay because if they're at least attracted to someone and feel safe with them, they can explore much more depth of vulnerability and create a wonderful sex life.
Some people have deprioritized physical intimacy because they've associated it with so much pain from past relationships. Everyone is on a different journey, but ultimately the 16-year-old self needs to be acknowledged and told they're not in charge because what they want is not actually good for you.
Truth number five is that you must speak up and tell the truth. Being as direct and honest from the very beginning is very attractive. This is different from sharing your entire childhood pain to a stranger. Someone has to earn that information, and it isn't appropriate to share everything with a stranger. There's a progression to getting to know someone, where you know someone, get closer, share a little, then start to open up and be vulnerable. You don't have to do that on the first date, but honesty about what you really want and need should be present from date one.
This becomes more complicated once you're actually in a relationship. Many years can be spent not really telling the truth. Many couples have a lot of love but aren't telling the truth due to fear of not being enough, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear that the other person will never look at you the same way, and fear that they will resent you. Withholding the truth becomes the sickness in the relationship.
You don't just have the hard conversations for yourself or your partner. You do it in service of love and in service of the relationship. When two people have the mindset of protecting the relationship as the priority, that changes everything. If it means having uncomfortable conversations instead of stuffing feelings down, becoming resentful, and then hating your partner, that's what needs to happen. Whenever there's a higher purpose and something being worked toward, people will do what it takes and transcend their ego and fears because they're doing it in service of something greater than themselves. The relationship has to be the thing that's greater than the two of you.
The challenge is the ego. People want the other person to make them feel important and want them to know they don't need them but really do. There's a feeling of wanting the other person to look beyond themselves, but when they don't, people ask why they should do it either, creating a back and forth. Most people can't look beyond themselves.
Repairing broken trust from withholding information depends on what the withholding or lies are about. Sometimes it's just withholding how you feel, which is more of a betrayal to oneself than to the other person. A big part of telling the truth begins with telling the truth to ourselves because often we don't want to look at it. It's hard, so we suppress it and don't want to express it.
Repair depends on the situation. Sometimes a third party is needed to understand exactly what boundaries were crossed, to what degree, how much compassion can be found for the person when they were withholding the truth, and seeing that it actually wasn't personal but something they were doing because they were afraid. Repair happens with a lot of listening, a lot of communication, and possibly with a third party. It's not easy and depends on the degree, whether it's actually a betrayal or just difficult.
People have to learn to not take so many things personally because often people are withholding because they were too afraid. It's valid to feel a mini betrayal when someone doesn't tell you how they feel, because how can you show up for them or be in the relationship if they don't tell you how they feel. But if the other person can say they were afraid and what they were afraid of, then two people are really starting to tell the truth and getting into the deep stuff and becoming vulnerable.
There's an expectation that the other person will change their habit the next day. People wait for one therapy session after which their partner will be transformed, or one coaching session after which their partner will be the person they promised to be. The expectation is for a moment where the partner gets it and the penny drops and they're a new profound individual, but that's not reality. People are going to change if they want to, and it takes a number of years.
The key part is that change happens if they want to, and it takes a number of years. Being so focused on them needing to change misses that it begins with you because there's something that has to change in you as well. If there's something going on in the dynamic and you love this person and it's a good relationship otherwise, you're contributing in some way to them not feeling comfortable telling the truth. If you have the belief that they just need to change and be fixed and then everything will be okay, that's not true. Maybe they do have to change more than you, but there are things you need to change in this dynamic as well.
The balance to strike is how to give someone the benefit of the doubt that it's not personal and at the same time hold yourself and them accountable for change. If you want your partner to change, that's sticky territory. You have to accept your partner for who they are, but also you can have the expectation that they want to grow. If you're not growing in a relationship, trying new things together and separately, following dreams, picking up a book or trying a new thing, the relationship is going to get very boring. But if you fundamentally think your partner needs to completely change who they are, you're not with the right person.
You can accept your partner for who they are but also want them to evolve and change certain things about themselves. Many people will come to a moment where they ask themselves if this is enough and if they can tolerate this. No one is perfect. Everyone's growth is ultimately their own business and their own evolution. People grow in different ways. If you want an apple, you have to sit under an apple tree, not sit in a pear tree and expect the apple to come down. You have to know who your partner is fundamentally and be okay with that.
One reason people struggle to accept people the way they are is because they've never taken an interest in how they became the way they are. There's no context of why they became this way. The question of what happened to you and how you ended up here leads to realizing it's so not about you and it's all about them. The same is true for yourself and how you became this way. Curiosity about learning your partner and understanding how they got there leads to suddenly understanding how long it will take to unwire or rewire that as well, if they want to and if they notice it.
In a relationship, the smarter way to be early on is respecting your partner's values and having them respect yours, and not trying to change core values because you couldn't. Core values can't be changed deeply, and if someone was trying to change them, it would feel very uncomfortable. The same applies if trying to change someone else's core values. You have to accept them the way they are, and if you don't, then it's okay to move on and leave. There's no one who's actually perfect, and that doesn't exist.
People know intellectually that no one is perfect, but still expect perfection in others. One mistake many people have made is thinking it's okay that they're flawed, but unconsciously looking for this person who's so perfect they're going to make up for the deficits in their personality and inside of themselves. People have gotten so disconnected from knowing themselves and knowing what's right for them and what's good for them.
Many people are constantly seeking advice from anyone and everyone in their life and not listening to themselves. Having one text thread with nine girlfriends, posting on Instagram stories asking for advice from private friends, reaching out to family and parents means talking to 27 non-experts about something in your life. No wonder there's confusion because everyone has their own opinion, with some saying give them another chance and others saying leave them. There are also actions to take without understanding.
If there's no the one, how do you know who to focus on and make it work with? Number one is the person who treats you well. That doesn't mean the most mindful of people won't unconsciously hurt each other's feelings or behave or say something not filled with mindfulness. But fundamentally you want the person who treats you well, who respects you, who you feel good around, who you feel you can safely express an opinion with, and who you feel you can be yourself with. That's so important.
One of the most underrated criteria for choosing a partner is whether you can really be yourself with them. Not being your bad self or lower self, but can you actually be who you are? Do you feel comfortable in your skin when you're with this person, or do you have to hide parts of yourself so that they can accept you? Someone with whom you share values and with whom you can agree on what a life well-lived is matters because you can have a wonderful connection with someone, but if to them they want to live a nomadic lifestyle and you're like no, you want to root and have children, it's not going to work. You might have a great love affair, but you're never going to work long term.
Agreeing on what a life well-lived is and having compatibility in terms of core values is incredibly important because when things get really hard in the duration of your relationship, life happens, family members die, illness happens, money issues arise, it's your values that are going to
Shared values are what truly keep couples together over time. The person you would choose if stranded on a desert island represents the ideal partner. All minor annoyances and preferences that don't align—such as being less neat in the kitchen, height differences, or other surface-level traits—need to be tolerated and accepted because the core values are present. These include enjoying physical touch, feeling attraction through kissing, agreeing on what constitutes a life well-lived, and feeling completely comfortable being yourself around them.
The concept of "the one that got away" is largely a story people tell themselves. When poor choices have been made, individuals tend to romanticize and pedestal past partners, viewing them better than they actually were or better suited than they really were. This mental romanticization creates the false belief that no one else exists for them, which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that keeps people stuck and suffering. Nostalgia functions as a protective mechanism that colors past experiences more beautifully than they actually were, manipulating people into unhealthy beliefs rather than protecting them.
Humans excel at starting relationships and reacting to endings but remain complacent and ignorant during the middle maintenance phase. Building and designing homes receives attention, but maintaining them does not. The same pattern applies to relationships—people find beginning and ending phases interesting but ignore the maintenance required in between.
When couples feel stuck or coasting—particularly those with children—several actionable steps can restore connection:
- Stop making children the only focus of life, as children benefit from seeing their parents connect with each other
- Shake things up individually or together by going on dates and introducing novelty
- Create dedicated connection time with phones away, discussing deeper topics
- Conduct temperature checks to assess whether levity or lightness is needed versus deeper connection work
- Build new activities into weekly or monthly routines
- Get vulnerable through heart-to-heart conversations or physical touch
- Practice mindfulness by being present and offering simple touches like a hand on the leg or shoulder
- One partner should take leadership in suggesting these changes, framing them positively rather than as relationship repairs
- Consider personal changes first—bringing back qualities from the relationship's beginning without requiring partner conversations
After the initial shock and pain of a breakup subsides, the most important self-reflection involves examining personal contributions to the relationship's failure. This includes identifying what needs work in self-esteem, childhood patterns that may be affecting relationships, and recognizing personal strengths in relationships. The goal is balanced accountability rather than blame—acknowledging both what went wrong and what went right. Accountability remains the most important element throughout any relationship phase, as the inability to take responsibility makes someone difficult to be in a relationship with.
Best love advice received: No one is perfect. Figure out what you can tolerate and what you can't tolerate.
Worst relationship advice received: A therapist advised not leaning on a husband during a miscarriage, suggesting reliance only on mother and sister. This created confusion about dependency and codependency, when in reality a partner should be the primary source of support during such difficult experiences.
Response to "No one is coming to save you": Save yourself and choose someone who will have your back while you do that.
Making peace with parents: For those who experienced sexual or terrible abuse, the focus should be becoming the hero of their own story rather than just the survivor. Even without contact, individuals must examine their parent narrative through their adult self rather than their child self, as unresolved issues will infiltrate romantic relationships.
One law for the world: Letting go is so much easier than clinging. Learning to let things be improves life significantly despite the difficulty involved.
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