The Self-Help Trap - What 20+ Years of “Optimizing” Has Taught Me

Risks of Self-Help: Self-Infatuation and the Importance of Relationships00:00

One risk of personal development or self-help is that it can become self-infatuation or self-obsession. The counterbalance is relationships—doubling down and tripling down on them. Humans are evolved as a social species, and isolation, whether physical or in thought loops, worsens instability, OCD, depression, anxiety, or any psychiatric condition.

Policies include an annual past year review to identify top relationships that are nourishing and energizing (energy in vs. energy out), then blocking out time in advance for the entire year for extended periods with those people. Extended periods vary by circumstances: for the speaker, a long weekend to a week, such as 5 days in the wilderness in Montana with oldest, closest friends.

Not to denigrate therapy, but sometimes talking more about your problems, if it were to solve all of your problems, would have worked already. There's a place for talk therapy, but it is not the only tool in the toolkit.

Spending time with silly, dumb, amazing friends and laughing—around a bottle of wine, a meal, or a campfire—goes a long way.

Planning Relationships and Past Isolation02:01

At the top of every year, plan to see people who fill your cup. The speaker experienced a period of isolation or inattention to this lever.

Reasons for isolation:

• Workcoholism: Believed more effective production, focus on business and finances in isolation (some truth to that).