Dating Expert: The Question to Ask That Will Save You Years of Wasted Time | Sara Al Madani
In a Nutshell
The core message is that you attract what you are, so before dating anyone, you must do deep inner work to heal childhood trauma, remove limiting beliefs, and become the person you want to attract—otherwise, you'll keep repeating the same toxic patterns. Sara emphasizes that love is a decision, not a feeling, and that you must operate from abundance ("I want you") rather than lack ("I need you"), with clear non-negotiables and honest communication from day one. The key takeaway is that self-love isn't optional—without it, you'll tolerate what you don't deserve, and true compatibility matters far more than chemistry.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
The true question that a lot of people don't actually look deep into is are you what you're trying to manifest? If you want a successful man, are you successful? If you want a kind, loving man, are you kind and loving? If you want hardworking person, are you the things you want to get? Because you cannot attract what you're not.
People don't pay attention to this. They just don't want to put in the work. They just want to get it easy. But that's not how life works because in the end, you will attract who you are from the inside. So if you're broken, you will attract broken people.
Even though trauma sometimes is not loud, it's hiding. But it crawls around in situations and shows up as triggers or like in your decisions or choices you take. And this is where good people don't understand that even if you're good, you still need to do the work. Even if you're good, you still need to be whoever you want to attract.
Want comes from abundance. It means that I have nothing missing. I want you for who you are. I'm content. I'm happy. I'm fulfilled. I don't need anything from you. There's no hidden agenda.
But if I need you, that means I am operating from lack. So, there is a hidden agenda. It means that okay, maybe I want to be with you because you make me happy. Maybe I want to be with you because you financially fulfill me. Need is not a good reason to obtain something. I shouldn't need you. I should want you.
We've been taught growing up that we need love and we need to be in a relationship. We need kids. We need all of these things. But we actually don't. We're here to experience life. Whether love or children is part of the experience, great. Whether it's not, you should be content with yourself. Only when you are content and you don't need anybody, this is when you actually bond with someone and you purely love them.
If you need them, it's like there is always a hidden agenda. And once that need is fulfilled, you feel like you're disconnected from them because you didn't really want to be with them from the get-go. You just needed something from them.
Neuroscience they say neuropaths can be created in 21 days. So you can it's not impossible. We just have to remove the limiting belief that and that's the hardest part.
When younger, mysterious men were thought to be sexy. The more mystery, the more beautiful it is. Now, clarity is attractive. Mystery and not understanding where you stand with someone or who they are or what they do, it's not attractive. It's actually such a turnoff because it shows you the person is not aligned and the person is not a leader and not transparent and honest.
Before doing the inner work, taste was changing as in like looks wise heightwise whatever they do in lifewise but it was still the same man in different bodies. That's it. So it was the same toxic traits. We attract what's familiar to us. They say better the devil I know than the angel I don't know. Cuz I know how to deal with the devil. I know where it ends. I know this is not forever. I know the hurt and the pain that comes with it.
After finishing the inner work and healing, even looking at pictures of exes became unrecognizable. A lot of people might think, oh no, I was in love. But it's trauma bonding.
A lot of us throw ourselves into healing. It's like walking into a supermarket and saying I want to bake a cake. Can you help me? It's like what cake do you want to bake? I need to give you the right ingredients. So when people go to do the inner work they just throw themselves into healing not knowing what are the healing from where did all this all start? What's the root of it all? So people don't go so deep. They just want to heal the surface. My last relationship the relationship before. But all of this starts way from childhood. Doesn't start from a relationship, right?
Chemistry is tricky because I cannot depend on chemistry because it's hormonal, it's endorphins, it's you meet somebody, excitement. When you're nervous on a date or when you're feeling all these things, it's actually a red flag. It means your nervous system is not calm. It's trying to tell you something. But the movies taught us that to interpret them as butterflies and they're the right one and that's how it should feel like.
A friend once told me, "Don't look for a firecracker. Look for a fireplace." Firecrackers when you have like all these butterflies in your stomach and that's not a good thing. You should look for a fireplace. The boring guy, the calm guy, that's your guy.
Chemistry might be misleading. Compatibility is more sexy and it's more long-lasting. Treating relationships as business, if there's no compatibility in the way we think our ethics and morals I'm investing my money and I'm throwing everything out down the drain because it's not going to go anywhere. It's not a good investment. If there's compatibility chemistry can come later.
Chemistry can be delayed. It's not a prerequisite. It's because you fell in love with the character. That just shows you chemistry can be delayed.
The inner work is going deep down inside removing all the masks that life and society and everything you went through had to put on your face and you lost your identity throughout the way. Doing the inner work is removing mask by mask, mask by mask until you finally reach who you truly are. So basically who are you before people told you who to be, how to be or what to be. Who are you really before this conditioning?
We are born with blueprints. My name is Sarah. That's my religion. This is my family. That's my country. This is what I eat. This is wrong. This is right. So I'm born already with a blueprint. Who am I beyond that blueprint? Who am I beyond that yes and no?
The only way to find the light is to clean the corridor. And if the corridor is messy and there's trauma and there's all these things, can you live a life without doing the inner work? You can. But I don't call it living. I call it existing because there's much more to life after healing. Like the grass is greener where healing is.
It doesn't matter how do you do it. Some people go to therapy. Some people do hypnotherapy. Some people do plant medicine. And people do whatever it takes to find your way back home. And what is home? Home is you.
This body, this is the temple. Now I'm more careful about where I take this temple, who touches this temple, who gets in this temple, how I treat this temple, because it's like, where are you dragging God to?
All my life, I've been in five relationships. Two of them were marriages that didn't work out. And I was just confused. The first marriage, the second marriage, the relationship after that, and after that, I was like, there's something weird because I feel like I'm with a different man, but I feel like I'm with the same man, and I didn't understand anything about narcissism or toxic relationships.
Instead of me focusing on, oh my god, they're bad. They're this. Pointing the finger and being a victim all the time, which a lot of us do because it's comfortable to be a victim. I realized being a victim does not serve me, does not make me grow, doesn't get me anywhere. And only when I started pointing the finger on myself, because it takes two to tango, where did I go wrong? What did I do? Where's my contribution to this? Cuz I need to grow out of this.
The journey started with some therapy. I just did not like after every therapy session the therapist like see you next week. See you next week. See you next week. I'm like but I feel like I need you now. I feel like I'm depending on you. How am I learning? And I'm a very stubborn personality ever since I was a kid. So I was always curious and asking questions.
Then went to hypnotherapy. And after hypnotherapy, went into spiritual healing and went into meditation and tried so many things. This is why I'm trying to tell you if you tell me which one of them worked, I tell you all. So there is no right recipe or a location map I can drop you so you can come to the healing space. It's anything you try, anything you do for yourself is valid and can help you in some way.
Once your heart is open to that topic or that journey, everything comes to you. Once you set your goal and your mind to do the inner work, the way just shows up. Once you start walking, just the way shows up.
You have to first understand what are you okay with? And I think the biggest blessing in my life was not knowing what I wanted, was knowing what I did not want because that gave me so much clarity. Because when you do the healing and you do the work, it's like you're meeting yourself for the first time.
After the healing, I'm like, "Okay, so what does she do now? How should she react now?" So it's like a blank page and you get to meet who you are and you get to mold her to the best version or him to the best version.
I don't think love is a feeling. Because like children, they're when they're born, they're pure. They love everything. Animals, they love everything. They don't need you to provide to to be successful. They don't need you to have a label or anything. It's like love is God's language. So, we're born with it. It's natural.
But for me, love in a relationship is a decision. It's a decision to stick to the person whether things get hard or not. That's why they say in sickness and health and rich and poor that all these things because it's a decision. If I decide to be with you, whether things are the way I want or not, I have to stick to my decision.
Similar to if I invest in a business, I cannot right now as a CEO and an investor say, "I don't feel like going to work today." You can't. You don't show up, it dies. You don't show up, people vote you out. You don't show up, things don't work out. Similar to how you feed energy into a business, marriage, relationship is a business. If you don't show up every day, it's not going to work. It's like bread. You have to bake it fresh every morning otherwise it's not going to work.
It's definitely a decision because emotions go up and down. Emotions are unsteady. But if I made this the decision, whether I'm feeling it or not, I will show up because I made that decision. So love is a decision. It's beyond an emotion.
From the get-go, I sit down. I do not waste your time or mine out of respect for both. Right? So I'll sit with a guy and I'll be very honest. I say, "Listen, I'm 40 next year. Okay? I don't have time. I've been married twice. I'm a single mom. I want to settle down. I don't know how long I'm fertile for. Okay. So, I want to start a family. What do you want?"
A lot of men run away because they think I'm saying I want that with you. No, no, no. I don't want that with you. I just met you. I don't want that with you. I want that in the future, whether it's with you or with someone else.
The BS eliminator is having that straightforward conversation from day one, you know, and if the man runs away, then he's a boy. He's not ready for a serious relationship because even if he didn't want this, you can still sit and have an honest conversation about it, right? If he sits and talks about it, I'm like, "Okay, there's potential there. He's mature enough to hold a heavy conversation like this."
I believe in honesty from the get-go. I believe in in transparency. I don't believe in wasting your time or mine. Three, four, five dates, dinners and all that. Why? Why am I going through all of this? The only thing I can't take back is time. And because I have respect for the person in front of me, whether I'm interested in them or not, as a human being, I respect them. I am being honest to respect them in return as well. And if that works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
Deal breakers in a relationship is, for example, on a date, a guy who doesn't want to have a serious conversation, an honest conversation, that's a deal breaker. Someone who is for me, someone who's like comfortable and not ambitious is a huge deal breaker. Someone who is in their toxic masculine, as in like they want to show off, they want to put their voice louder, they want to treat people bad just to be more masculine, but on the toxic side. And you know, toxic masculinity, you can smell it, you know, day one.
When it's abusive physically, mentally, emotionally, when you go through that and you tolerate it for a while, one day you wake up and you're like, "What's going on?" Like, "What the hell is this? This is not okay. This is not what life is about."
Then you look at at the relationships around you and you're like, "No, no, something is off. this became the norm but then one day you'd wake up and say no this still doesn't feel normal although it happens every day."
Had to put my ego aside to understand the whole situation why do I say ego because in our culture in our upbringing you know how they say divorce is not the best thing right it's frowned upon even if I'm from the Middle East even in the west it's frowned upon so people stick in marriages and relationships because they fear what the outside would say about them oh she failed in the relationship and you know sadly women get the blame most of the time.
My ego made me stay longer than I should because I was like what will the family say? What will the people say? And then especially in the second marriage when the same story started happening all over again. I was like oh my god what do I do now? I do I get divorced and people say she's done it twice. My ego was not my amigo at that time and and it made me stay longer than I should.
The first marriage was almost dating and marriage 13 years. The second one was 9 months which is great because I already started doing some inner work.
There's the ego of what will people say? But you're basically saying I would rather accept this than people saying bad things about me. Yeah, that was also my case. It's like a people pleaser, you know? I just want to be loved by everybody and chosen by everybody. I want everyone to see me in the best image ever, but that's zero authenticity. Yes, I did this because I wanted to make sure everyone is okay. And then I realized that everyone was okay except me.
Some people they don't mind having a war internally to maintain the peace on the outside, you know, and I don't want that. I used to go home, have a war internally every day, but on the outside I maintain the peace. Now it's the complete opposite. I'd rather burn everything around as long as I have inner peace.
All of that, why didn't you walk away? Why did you care about what people say? Your ego, blah, blah. All of this comes to one conclusion. Lack of self-love. It's as simple as that. If I loved myself, if I respected myself, I would have never been in those marriages. I would have never been in these relationships.
But at the same time, I'm so grateful and thankful because they were my teachers as well. Whoever hurt me was my master, was my teacher, and I have a beautiful son that came out of it. If you ever tell me, if I give you a magic wand and I'll take you back and you can rewrite your story, I would rewrite it the same exact story all over again, I would not even change one inch of it because then I wouldn't be sitting right here in front of you.
So, I am the woman I am today because of what I went through. There's a quote that I love so much. It says, "You cannot break someone who sees beauty in everything, even pain." So a lot of people think they broke you. But for me, pain is a teacher. It either makes you bitter or better. So you can't break me if I find beauty. Even in the ugliest, darkest places. That's what I live by every day. And darkness is where everything starts. A baby in the womb, a seed underground, it all starts in darkness. So instead like of people thinking, "Oh my god, we got the best of her." No, you created the best of me. Alchemy, you know, I'll take whatever you gave me and I'll create something way more beautiful for the world.
I've been there and I know it's not easy to leave. I know it's not easy to understand and I know there's a cloud on top of your head and no matter what we tell you, you're not going to listen. And sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to let them suffer so they can learn.
But if I can give you any piece of advice is that remaining in that toxic relationship or remaining in that place is slowly killing you day by day. You're losing yourself. Let's say you're going to live until you're 70. We're talking about 70 winters, 70 summers, you know, 70 autumns. That that's not a lot. Every single day wasted is day wasted. You are deserving of a new story. You are deserving of rewriting your story. You are the captain of the ship. You are the director of the movie. Rewrite your
Endings are beautiful because they create opportunities to start something completely new. The fear of ending things prevents people from fighting for the life they deserve instead of watching life pass by. Living authentically will upset others, but personal approval is the only signature needed - not permission from anyone else. Freedom means freeing the mind, and the key to that cage is already in your hand.
Sara's mother advised against remarriage after two weddings, suggesting she make money and live with her child instead. Cultural expectations dictated this perspective, but Sara refuses to live according to her mother's or society's expectations. If she needs to marry ten times and divorce, she will. She tells her parents that when someone makes a movie of her life, it must be a compelling story, which is why she keeps rewriting it.
For those in toxic relationships, the challenge is to go out and experience life with courage. Everyone deserves more than breadcrumbs - respect, flowers, and daily bare minimum treatment. The goal is to have courage to live life rather than merely exist.
When experiencing abuse, anger toward oneself often exceeds anger toward the abuser. Toxic people are consistent in their behavior - they show who they really are. The decision to stay is what takes a toll on the body. Rock bottom has a basement, and every pain, heartbreak, and agony provides an opportunity to meet God. This is where Sara found spiritual connection.
Many people blame God for their situations when they chose toxic partners from the beginning. Without inner work, people choose poorly and label their choices as fate or destiny. The path out came through meeting God at rock bottom, experiencing deep love, and realizing self-love must come before giving love to others.
Empathy without boundaries resembles a house with no doors - unsafe and unable to protect what's inside. People full of empathy but lacking boundaries find others cannot stay with them regardless of how much they give. The solution is building a door rather than a wall: open for good, close for bad. This protects yourself while allowing others to feel safe when they enter.
A three-month relationship that suddenly ends with "I'm not ready for a real relationship" indicates love bombing. When someone ghosts, the response should be pretending they don't exist. Awakening something in someone and then disappearing is disrespectful. The pain comes from feeling an energy generation that seemed exciting, with red flags blurred by chemistry.
Chemistry proves tricky because rushing creates excitement that feels wanted, but healthy relationships develop step by step without pressure. The person should generate that rush internally rather than needing someone else to provide it. The version of themselves that emerged should exist independently.
Romanticizing potential involves looking at someone and imagining future improvements - "maybe if he works harder." This creates false hope and feeds incorrect information. The advice is to look at the person in front of you and believe what they say about themselves.
Wanting to change someone from the start represents wrong intention in relationships. Relationships should involve accepting differences and celebrating them rather than trying to pull each other to one side. Both partners should work together to become their best versions.
People change when they want to change, not for others. The risk calculation involves personal timelines - waiting for someone uncertain about commitment might mean missing opportunities with someone ready. Honest conversations about readiness save time for everyone involved.
The business analogy applies to relationships: investing in someone's growth is worthwhile even if they eventually leave. The alternative - not investing and having them stay unchanged - is worse. The concept of forever is misleading since nothing lasts eternally. Love should set people free rather than possess them.
Self-love is not innate but gets stripped away through childhood conditioning. External markers like expensive purchases, travel, and appearance do not constitute self-love. Real self-love involves boundaries, putting yourself first, not explaining yourself, being authentic, and being honest regardless of outcomes.
The journey requires returning to the moment self-love was taken away - often in childhood between ages 0-8 when personality forms. Sara's experience of dropping university to run her business at 15 led to her father's comment that she wouldn't succeed without a degree. This planted seeds of "not good enough" that affected her choices for years afterward, driving her to prove herself rather than enjoy success.
Triggers represent untamed shadows - trauma responses that require shadow work to tame rather than eliminate. Everyone is broken and needs work to find themselves again. The dark side cannot be removed since humans contain both light and dark aspects.
Opposites attract: Compatibility matters more than similarity or difference. Similar people can have great relationships too.
Love is blind: Hormones drive decisions without clear vision.
You'll know when you know: True for recognizing toxic situations.
Love is all you need: "I need love. I am all I need."
You complete me: "I complete me. If you complete me, that means I'm using you."
Love at first sight: Attraction and liking can happen instantly, but love takes time.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder: With the right person, you'll miss them even when nearby.
Forgiveness does not mean accepting what happened was okay. Instead, it means forgiving yourself for choosing to stay and allowing the situation. Closure comes from within - forgiving yourself enables forgiving others. Forgiveness does not include an open invitation back. The goal is reaching indifference, where no emotions remain toward the situation or person.
Sara gives her brain specific commands to overcome physical limitations. When jet-lagged after flying in three days prior, she activates what she calls "Phoenix work mode" and trains her brain that when she says "work mode," it means showing up regardless of tiredness or sleepiness. She believes you can biohack your brain, hormones, and even stop cortisol release while pulling back to release endorphins. She compares this to hacking an email or laptop, stating everything is hackable.
Sara emphasizes that the only thing people need to get rid of is their limiting beliefs. With limiting beliefs, she cannot work with anybody. She explains that successful people like Jay Shetty don't have the limiting belief of a 9-to-5 lifestyle or that life is about only one thing. Instead, they have broad, open beliefs that are accepting, open, and always changing. Without limiting beliefs, she believes anyone can do anything.
"You cannot break anyone that finds beauty in everything."
Sara explains that if you find beauty in everything, no one can touch you or break you. Even in the worst situations, once she took this advice and gave her brain that command, everything became easy because there was beauty in everything.
A doctor once told Sara that as a businesswoman doing tech and multiple other things, she was unfocused for wanting to start singing. The doctor suggested she needed to be just one thing. Sara responded that she feels sorry for people who think they're here to be just one thing, explaining she's here to be everything and anything she wants. She refuses to cling to one identity, stating she's ever-changing and wants to experience all the colors of the rainbow rather than being limited to black or white.
Sara has a witch tattoo that many people misinterpret. The tattoo means "woman in total control of herself." She explains that usually women's reputation, voice, and decisions are in the hands of other men - husband, brother, boyfriend, or dad. Being a witch, being an alchemist, represents a woman in total control of herself.
The biggest limiting belief Sara had to let go of was that she can't change her mind. She had been taught that changing your mind makes you flaky, indirect, or untrustworthy. However, she now believes it's completely okay to change your mind - one day you might like something, the next day you might not. This limiting belief causes many people to stick to things that aren't good for them, whether in career, relationships, or everything else.
Sara would create a law making it mandatory that people cannot date or get married until they do the inner work, enforced by the government. This would result in everyone being single until completing this requirement.
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