Dating Expert: Why You Should Stop Chasing 'THE ONE' | Logan Ury
In a Nutshell
Stop chasing "the one"—the biggest dating mistake is believing perfect partners exist rather than focusing on building relationships through effort (25% choosing, 75% building). Most people fall into one of three patterns: romanticizers obsessed with soulmate stories, maximizers who perpetually seek someone better, or hesitators who delay dating until they feel "ready." The practical fix is the Post Date Eight tool, which trains you to evaluate how someone makes you feel (slow burn over spark) and prioritize kindness, emotional stability, and growth mindset over looks, money, or shared hobbies.
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One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is having unrealistic expectations around relationships, dating, partners, and themselves. Through coaching, these patterns are categorized into a framework called the three dating tendencies.
The first type is the romanticizer, who believes in finding their soulmate and that there's one person out there for everyone, and they'll know it when they see it. This person focuses heavily on the "we met" story and their partner matching their expectations.
The second type is the maximizer, who has unrealistic expectations of their partner. Maximizers say things like "I just want to keep searching" or "I found someone great, but I want to find someone even better." They are never satisfied and always wonder what else is out there, embodying the "grass is greener" mindset.
The third type is the hesitator, who has unrealistic expectations of themselves. Hesitators say things like "I'll be ready to date when I lose 5 lb, when I get a better job, when I finally clean up my apartment." They feel they're not dateable and need to become a different person before putting themselves out there.
There is no belief in "the one." Instead, there are many great people with whom a life could be built. For maximizers especially, there's an incorrect premise that it's 95% who you choose and 5% the effort you put in. The framework presented is more like 25% who you choose and 75% the effort you put in. Society has become obsessed with finding the perfect person instead of building the perfect relationship.
The point of the three dating tendencies is to understand that people probably have dating blind spots - patterns of behavior or ways of thinking that hold them back from finding love but can't be identified on their own. People often think their biggest issue is their appearance or working too much, but almost 100% of the time, that's not their biggest issue. If they knew what their biggest issue was, they could fix it.
Knowing your dating tendency allows for change. For example, a maximizer who always looks for the next best thing can switch to becoming a satisficer and understand that if they want to move to the next level - from dating someone for 3 months and then always trying to trade up to wanting marriage and kids - they have to overcome this tendency or they'll keep repeating this pattern for years.
69% of Gen Z respondents say they're not ready for a relationship even though they may want one. This sounds like hesitators, possibly a generation of hesitators. The psychology involves feeling "I'm not enough" or "I'm not where I need to be." For example, a male dater in his 20s in New York might say he can't date until he makes six figures.
This is especially true with men who feel women need them to be a provider. However, research shows only 6% of female daters want a man who's the solo provider. 72% of women on Hinge said they'd much rather have someone who puts in effort than someone who makes more money.
This creates a misunderstanding: men say "I'm not eligible to be the provider I was told I need to be," while women are saying "Actually, things have changed. I am more of a provider than my mother's or grandmother's generation. What I want is emotional intelligence, emotional availability, effort." Two people misunderstand what the other wants and then don't put themselves out there.
Women report wanting simple things - not to be flown to the moon, but for someone to remember the name of their best friend from work, or to know about a big meeting and send a text wishing good luck or following up afterwards. Women emphasize that effort and care are more important than money.
Men were raised to "be a lion" and provide, but women say they want a "tiger who's emotional." Dating hasn't caught up with the data. Society has changed - women are earning more money, and soon two-thirds of college graduates will be women - but how people interact in heterosexual relationships hasn't caught up with these changes.
A quote from Brene Brown captures this tension: women beg men to be vulnerable and want them to open up, but the second they do, women can't stand it. We're in a "messy middle" where for most of history men had all the economic power, but in the last 50 years with feminism and other progress, there are brand new rules that people haven't figured out, leading to misconnections.
The Post Date Eight is a tool with eight questions to ask yourself after a date. The research is based on gratitude journals - writing down five things you're grateful for at the end of each day changes how you live because throughout the day you're looking for small things to appreciate. The Post Date Eight trains your brain to look for positives in dating.
The eight questions include: what side of me did the person bring out? How did I feel in my body around them? Did I feel relaxed or uptight? Did I feel heard? Did I feel attractive? Did they make me laugh? These questions focus on "who am I around them" rather than "are they good enough for me?" This represents dating for the dynamic versus dating for the resume.
Dating experientially asks what is the experience of being around someone, versus dating evaluatively to see if they're good enough. The shift is from "Did I find them attractive?" to "Did I feel attractive around them?"
The antidote to the spark is to look for the slow burn - the person who may not be initially charismatic or sparky but would be an amazing partner long-term. Many people report following this advice and becoming engaged to a slow burn they would have previously overlooked. The Post Date Eight can be used after each date to track whether interest grows or decreases over time. Sparky people often burn out quickly, while with slow burn people, each date brings more curiosity and liking.
Being a good partner involves acceptance - accepting your partner for who they are now rather than for their potential, because what if they never change? Communication is crucial - conversations are what keep relationships alive.
90% of women say what they really want is not an expensive restaurant or money spent, but how invested in the conversation the person is. The growth mindset is essential - seeing life as a team working together toward shared goals rather than adversaries. When you win, I don't lose.
Things that matter less than people think: looks - attraction is important initially, but feelings adapt over time due to adaptation, similar to how lottery winners' happiness levels revert after a year. Money makes things easier but isn't correlated with long-term relationship success. Having really similar personalities isn't necessary - it's better to find someone who balances you. Having the same hobbies isn't essential as long as your partner doesn't judge you for your interests.
Things that matter more than people think: kindness - look for how they treat waitstaff and people they don't need anything from. Emotional stability - someone who can take a beat and respond rather than react. Growth mindset - when met with challenges, they say they'll create the skill rather than claiming they're not good at something. The ability to fight well together - 69% of fights are perpetual according to Gottman research, so it's about fighting well, not avoiding fights entirely.
The final important factor is what side of you that person brings out. If someone makes you feel anxious, insecure, or less than, or doesn't laugh at your jokes, pay attention - that's your body telling you they don't bring out the side of yourself you want to be.
The biggest lie sold in love is the idea of the spark. The first myth is that if you don't feel it at the beginning, you'll never have it. Research shows only 11% of people experience love at first sight with their partner. The mere exposure effect shows that the more times you're around someone, the more you like them - like the meme about coworkers not being hot, you just spent 40 hours a week 10 feet from them.
The second myth is that if you have the spark, it's a good thing. Sometimes the spark is actually alarm bells - feeling insecure and interpreting anxiety as chemistry. Certain people are just really sparky because they're good-looking or narcissistic and can layer on charm, but that doesn't mean they're good long-term partners.
The third myth is that if you have the spark, the relationship is viable. Many couples started with the spark but fought constantly and didn't have shared values. The spark can get you far into a relationship, but it's not enough - don't get into the wrong relationship because you met the "right way."
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