Dr. Ramani: How to Know if You Should Go No Contact With a Family Member
In a Nutshell
No contact is a protective decision made after years of self-abandonment, failed repair attempts, and accumulating harm from denial, criticism, or abuse—not a punitive or impulsive act. The key indicators are physical symptoms of distress during contact, repeated boundary violations despite accountability efforts, and the realization that maintaining the relationship requires erasing your authentic self. Most people who make this choice from a place of safety and healing experience relief and improved well-being, even amid grief, guilt, and cultural pressure.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
No contact means no more digital contact and no more in-person contact. You are not taking that person's calls or showing up where they are. It is almost like the death of a relationship even while the people are living.
A national survey from Cornell University's family estrangement and reconciliation project found that 27% of US adults reported being estranged from one or more family members.
More people are talking about things once deemed shameful. Cultural and societal control is weakening as people say they can set boundaries. There is more information and more content available. However, estrangement remains a huge shaming issue. When someone is estranged, most people's minds go to "what's wrong with you" or "what's wrong with your family," creating an immediately pathologized take.
No contact is heterogeneous and made up of a mixed group of people. One type occurs because a person says there is no safety here and they are abandoning themselves to remain in the relationship. A classical example is when someone was abused as a child and the family system minimizes or denies it. As an adult, the person feels the family is still trying to wipe out part of their history they are trying to integrate for healing. Kimberly Shannon Murphy has been outspoken about ending contact with people whose presence was harming her healing.
A second type is punitive no contact. This happens when someone says "you're dead to me" because the other person would not do what they wanted, such as loan money. This type is represented in the 27% statistics but is fundamentally different from protective no contact.
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