Elizabeth Gilbert on The Hidden Expectations That Hurt Our Relationships
In a Nutshell
Elizabeth Gilbert argues that "I have no cherished outcome" is the core principle of healthy relationships, especially friendships, because it prevents the resentment that arises when unspoken expectations go unmet. In romantic partnerships, by contrast, people routinely assign responsibility for their internal mood cycles to their partner, turning the other person into either the hero or villain of their emotional weather. After five years of chosen singlehood, Gilbert found that moods occur independently of anyone else, revealing how unfair it is to hold partners accountable for feelings they did not cause.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
A translation of a Celtic poem called the Celtic poem of approach contains the line that no cherished outcome is actually a line from a translation of a Celtic poem and these are lines that were spoken when you're meeting new people and when you're moving out of one area into another tribe's area or you're going to be interacting with people in a new way. This beautiful poem of approach states something like:
I will honor your Gods I will drink from your well I bring an undefended heart to our meeting place I will not negotiate by withholding I am not subject to disappointment I have no cherished outcome
This poem and spirit is the foundational agreement of all friendships. The phrase "I have no cherished outcome" is said often to friends. When feeling hurt or resentful or excluded or misunderstood, sometimes the only way you can find out that you had a cherished outcome is when you didn't get it. Sometimes resentment is discovered and examined to ask whether to honor "I have no cherished outcome" or whether to sulk.
This approach seems to work better in friendships than in romantic relationships. In romantic relationships, there is a list as long as an arm of cherished outcomes, disappointment occurs, and an undefended heart is not brought to the meeting place. Friendships have been discovered over time to be actually the true loves of life, with better ability to take responsibility for oneself and try not to put outcomes on people.
The difference between the number of cherished outcomes held in romantic relationships versus friendships may be because at least culturally speaking here in the US there aren't as many stories or scripts related to friendships versus romantic partners.
Being single and celibate by choice over the last 5 years means there's nobody to blame. The minute somebody is attached as a partner, a weird outer body thing happens where they are held responsible for whatever mood occurs. If feeling great, it's because they are the greatest, and if feeling terrible, it's because they are the worst. This is unfair.
Spending a lot of time alone reveals that mood cycles, depressions, and euphoria are happening as a weather system that isn't related to anybody. All those years when analyzing people in relationships and holding them to account for feeling not right was actually about internal weather systems. After 5 years without being with anybody, feeling not right upon waking up occurs with no one to pin it on. There is a preference for not having anyone to pin things on, though there seems to be difficulty knowing how not to do it once in a romantic relationship. Relationships should come with a warning, as a lot in life should come with a warning.
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