“I can fix her” - why we get obsessed with broken partners
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Interest in neurological basis of 'I can fix her/him' chase versus 'I have arrived, I am safe, secure' rest. 'Fix' chase involves cortisol-dopamine energy: goal pursuit for satisfaction, but rushy with highs/lows, whiplash, chaotic, ambiguous, unpredictable, uncertain. Highs are victories, not true rests. Neurochemicals likely: pursuit, risk, edginess—adrenaline, epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine. Secure relationships: oxytocin, serotonin—sympathetic vs. parasympathetic.
One produces roller coaster; feeling is relief, not just achievement. Craving approval from desired person; when they text 'I miss you so much. I just love you so much' out of nowhere, it's like life threat lifted, gun taken away—briefly safe. Euphoria from release is powerful. Trauma bond: repeated bad treatment, unrewarding, ready to leave, but then something sweet/kind—show up, apologize after lying/gaslighting—drags back in. Variable reward like slot machine: win just enough to stay, people trapped for years.
Healthier relationships produce slow-release safety, different feeling. Critique of Instagram content (e.g., guy waiting for 'magical' love, not settling): sounds like justification for chasing feeling, not enduring/happy love. False dichotomy: stable/healthy = boring/settling vs. exciting/passionate/magical = miserable. Analogy: drugs/pizza/booze give highs, but health feeling more powerful long-term. Until secure feeling valued more, chase chaos.
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