“I can fix her” - why we get obsessed with broken partners
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Interest in neurological basis of 'I can fix her/him' chase versus 'I have arrived, I am safe, secure' rest. 'Fix' chase involves cortisol-dopamine energy: goal pursuit for satisfaction, but rushy with highs/lows, whiplash, chaotic, ambiguous, unpredictable, uncertain. Highs are victories, not true rests. Neurochemicals likely: pursuit, risk, edginess—adrenaline, epinephrine, norepinephrine, dopamine. Secure relationships: oxytocin, serotonin—sympathetic vs. parasympathetic.
One produces roller coaster; feeling is relief, not just achievement. Craving approval from desired person; when they text 'I miss you so much. I just love you so much' out of nowhere, it's like life threat lifted, gun taken away—briefly safe. Euphoria from release is powerful. Trauma bond: repeated bad treatment, unrewarding, ready to leave, but then something sweet/kind—show up, apologize after lying/gaslighting—drags back in. Variable reward like slot machine: win just enough to stay, people trapped for years.
Healthier relationships produce slow-release safety, different feeling. Critique of Instagram content (e.g., guy waiting for 'magical' love, not settling): sounds like justification for chasing feeling, not enduring/happy love. False dichotomy: stable/healthy = boring/settling vs. exciting/passionate/magical = miserable. Analogy: drugs/pizza/booze give highs, but health feeling more powerful long-term. Until secure feeling valued more, chase chaos.
People confuse chaos for chemistry, intensity for intimacy—neurobiological trick. Partner hooks brain like fish line. Calm love feels boring at first; safe feels unexciting, not sparkless. Insight from Jessica Baum's Anxiously Attached (new book Safe): some feel 'spark' but person is sparky with everyone, not special.
Prime (Logan Paul) optimized for first sip via taste testing. Contrast Diet Coke: satisfying first sip, keeps drinking without tiring. Other drinks thrilling initially ('Wow, that's really [expletive] hell'), but midway sickly, end unwanted. Like partners: some optimize first thrill/roller coaster (cool until can't get off). Key to overcoming: recognize mind trick, not overvalue first feeling or imbue karmic value. Realize universal charm cheapens it.
Example: meet charming/dazzling guy on night out, feel connected/best friends—fallen into trap, finessed. Realize valued friends not initial 'must text again' sparks, but those valued over time for character, showing up, integrity. Same in love: avoid bowled over by nightclub trick.
Nightclubs hold empty line outside: people see line, assume value ('must be something going on'), enter to empty club—more outside than in. Prone to this. Low self-value + hard-to-get increases perceived value: scarcity economics (rare = valuable). Personal: rejection/hard-to-get triggers 'I'm not enough,' elevates them. If someone wants you but you undervalue self, think something wrong with them. Dynamic: only want who doesn't want you—kind/balanced/open/committed feels off due to low self-esteem; assume pathology if they match what you won't give self.
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