The Best Way to Deliver Bad News - Jefferson Fisher

Delivering Bad News: Kindness vs. Niceness00:00

Delivering bad news is a required life lesson. People get uncomfortable because they feel other people's feelings and think they have to be nice. Nice focuses on surface pleasantries. Kindness means caring enough to tell the truth: "I care about you, so I need to give you this hard news."

Use labels: "This is going to be some hard news. You're not going to like what I have to say." Give them a moment, then deliver the news. Avoid twisting the knife by blaming them first.

Breakup Example01:01

Worst way to break up: Start with past tense compliments like "I just think you're so great, and I've really enjoyed our time." Be direct and honest. Sometimes the kindest thing is to be as direct as possible with sad news.

Guiding a Breakup Conversation01:31

Set aside time for a proper conversation, not via text or during a movie. Say: "I need to have a hard conversation with you." First words: "This isn't a relationship that I can see myself continuing in."

Avoid: "You've just been great... it's not you, it's me... we've had all these memories." Get right to the point. People can take bad news; the long-term impact is better than softening it dishonestly.

Firing Example03:00

"This news is probably going to shock you. I need to let you go." Then: "I've enjoyed having you... You've done great with the company."

In relationships: "This relationship isn't working for me." Then add positives like "I've learned a lot from you."

Don't start with pleasantries and end with the hard news.

Declining Invitations03:30

If you can't go to an event: Say "I can't make it" first.

Avoid burying the lead: Don't say "Things have got so hard recently... chaos came up..." at the end.

Start with the no first. Most people start with thanks: "Thank you so much. I'd love to, but I can't."

The word "but" deletes everything before it, like "I love you, but you're crazy."

Correct order:

• "I can't."
• Then gratitude: "Thank you so much for inviting me."
• Then kindness: "I'm sure it's going to be a great time. Hope you have a wonderful time."

Avoid the compliment sandwich.

Handling Emotions in Difficult Conversations05:32

During firing or breakup, emotions arise, tempting you to bail. People enter with intention but leave with a mess, not finishing what they started.

Think of it as a cold plunge or cold shower conversation: Shocking at first, but you catch your breath, gain clarity, and see the end. Say the hard news first (e.g., "We need to break up" or "I need to let you go"), crest the mountain quickly, then it gets easier.

Slow buildup prolongs avoidance.

Building Capacity for Emotions07:33

Increase capacity to hold others' emotions: Feel your feelings, stay in control, breathe through it without holding theirs.

Disappointment is part of the game. Great leaders learn the art of disappointing people by telling them what they need to hear, not what they want.

Closing the Loop09:02

Parents of missing children say: "We just want to know."

The open loop (uncertainty) is the worst pain. Logically, finding closure, even tragic, is preferable to decades of uncertainty.

Close the loop: Don't leave them guessing why. This aligns with integrity and values, turning a nice guy into a good man.

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