Why Nobody is Having Sex Anymore (& why it matters) - Dr Debra Soh
In a Nutshell
Young people, especially men under 30, are experiencing a "sex recession" with 1 in 3 reporting no sex in the past year, driven by porn, AI companions, social media distortions (e.g., 3 sixes rule, looksmaxing), birth control blunting ovulation cues, mental health crises, and hypergamy imbalances exacerbated by DEI policies sidelining men. These solo alternatives sedate mating drives, shrink the dating pool, and threaten reproduction, as fertility windows close amid rising childlessness (80% of childless women involuntary). Solutions include ditching apps/porn for real-life flirting, prioritizing sexual novelty in relationships, ending adversarial gender narratives, and addressing root causes like endocrine disruptors and cultural feminization of men.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
People having less sex is a big deal, especially for young men in their sexual prime. It's frustrating and affects connection, emotional intimacy, and community. Sex recession refers to young people, particularly millennials and Gen Z, having less sex than previous generations. Initially skeptical, data confirms one in three men and one in five women have not had sex in the past 12 months. Book explores what replaces sex and future implications.
Modern outlets include porn, mutual masturbation, OnlyFans, AI companions—each with dedicated book chapters. Tested them personally, reviewed scientific research, evolutionary biology, and psychology explaining allure and dangers distracting from real sex.
Everyone has less sex: married, in relationships, single; Eastern, Western, developed countries; all age cohorts, especially young people. Adolescents show lower rates of partnered sex (intercourse, anal, oral, partner masturbation) and solo masturbation. Not just redistribution to solo or machine sex—overall sexual activity pie has shrunk.
Technology like dolls, robots with AI may become preferable to real sex, more popular than anticipated, potentially dangerous.
Documented for 30 years, tapered in 1990s, prominent last 20 years. COVID worsened it, but predated. Internet, smartphones, social media contribute—supposed to connect but divide politically, between men/women, subcultures. Political hatred between sexes hinders relationships/dating.
- One in eight 26-year-olds are virgins.
- 24% had no sex past year (double 2010 rate).
- 1 in 3 men 18-24 report no sex past year.
- 26% US adults no sex in 2021.
- 37% adults weekly sex (down from 55% in 1990).
- 37% Gen Z no sex last month (vs. 19% millennials).
- 48% married couples no sex past month.
- Dead bedroom subreddit popular.
- 67% Gen Z prioritize good night's sleep over sex.
Consistent since 2016 studies. Mental health key: 5% global depression, half Gen Z diagnosed mental disorder (90% anxiety). Exhaustion, lack of prioritization, easier replacements like apps/sleep. Anxious/depressed avoid dating, rejection, social effort.
Hypergamy: women date/marry same or higher success level—true scientifically. Internet culture: 3 sixes rule—women seek men 6 feet+, 6 figures income, 6-inch penis. None correlate with relationship success. Calculations show tiny percentage viable, further reduced by chemistry, conversation, etc. Women following may miss bigger picture.
Social media pushes it; men report women's unrealistic standards. Men also seek super hot (edited/filtered) women. Evolutionary psychology descriptive, not prescriptive—internet exaggerates.
Average penis 5 inches; women want 6, men think women want 7, men think they have 6. 6-inch erect penis is 97th-98th percentile. Women at Soho House pool (educated, earning) don't cite penis size. Men challenge themselves unnecessarily (looksmaxing, penile injections). Women prioritize resources, protection, character over superficial traits.
Internet spreadsheets (height, penis length) mislead—real world different. Women complain men not ready to commit, emotionally uneducated, unbalanced, no mission/life together (possibly coded lack of chemistry/socioeconomic fit). Tall girl problem (or high heel problem/effect): successful women outpace men, shrinking pool of suitable partners. Top men have options, use/discard women (rent vs. buy distinction skews self-perceived mate value).
- Men not primary breadwinner: 50% more likely to use ED meds.
- Man loses job: divorce likelihood doubles; woman loses job: no change.
Women out-earn men $1,500/year to age 30. 1 in 7 couples woman primary breadwinner. Bottom 40% male earners date top 20% female earners (hypogamy).
Successful women have fewer suitable bachelors. Smaller pool of top men disincentivized to settle (serial marriages mimicking polygyny). Men's dual mating strategy: long-term vs. short-term buckets, little crossover.
Fixes: eliminate DEI (diversity, equity, inclusion)—penalizes men (e.g., job postings exclude white men). Seen in academia postings explicitly for minorities/women. Dials back men's socioeconomic access, exacerbating imbalance. Goal: organic outcomes.
Zero-sum empathy misguided—supporting men enables eligible partners for women/daughters. Men sense unfairness in education (polls show males feel teachers favor girls), DEI stacks odds. Progressive fears of backlash unfounded; continued female outperformance shrinks dating pool, leads to competition for few top men.
Men less driven for university/careers due to perceived unfairness. Women won't date down despite men's limited options.
Birth control affects mating psychology by halting ovulation.
Ovulation occurs when women are most fertile, typically around day 11 to 16 of the cycle, with the first day of menstruation as day one. During ovulation, women's sexual psychology peaks because decisions about sex have the greatest potential consequences for pregnancy. Hormonal birth control halts ovulation, blunting sexual interest and signaling. One in 10 women of childbearing age (11% in America per CDC) use the pill specifically, though broader contraception includes implants, injections, IUDs, and Mirena coil.
Studies show ovulating women wear more provocative clothing, want to go to clubs, socialize, and meet partners. Men detect ovulation through a woman's appearance, scent, and walk—evidenced by silhouette studies. Men in relationships exhibit more mate-guarding behaviors (e.g., calling to check up) when partners ovulate if not on the pill.
Young women often start the pill as teenagers for non-sexual reasons like regulating cycles or skin issues, unaware of side effects on reproductive choices. Delaying fertility via pill use means more time later trying to conceive via egg freezing or IVF. Biology is crucial for women wanting families, affecting them differently than men.
Mate choices shift on vs. off the pill: on pill, prioritize provisioning; off pill, protection. Women report losing attraction to partners after stopping the pill. Advice: come off the pill before serious commitment (e.g., getting a golden retriever, moving in, engagement) to confirm attraction using other protection. Some women become more attracted to masculine partners off the pill; others realize mismatch.
Pill mimics pregnancy, prompting desire for nurturing caretakers, potentially fueling feminism's push to feminize men and view masculinity as toxic. MeToo and moral panics around men also drive preference for softer men in principle, not practice. Romance book covers tried 'cinnamon roll husbands' (soft, non-dominant, pliable, reliable but not ravaging)—post-Fifty Shades, they flopped despite market demand for dominant males. Women endorse softer men but choose high-status (e.g., hedge fund managers, ex-MMA).
Men's testosterone drops around post-menopausal women or young girls. Artificial suppression of female fertility via birth control, plus men's isolation from fertile women, lowers male sex drive and testosterone—unpriced X factor in declining levels.
Testosterone levels have declined for 40 years, severely in last 20, unexplained by age, diet, exercise, alcohol, smoking, cannabis. Environmental factors suspected: food, water supply, endocrine disruptors. Animal studies: fish exposed to pharmaceutical waste show masculinization or feminization; Japanese fish became lethargic, with messed-up courtship, distended ovaries.
SSRIs reduce libido; post-SSRI sexual dysfunction (PSSD) exists. Effects on children from these drugs unknown and concerning.
Core desire is coupling; most want partners despite claims otherwise. Porn activates same brain networks as sex (physiological arousal, penile tumescence, visual regions), providing orgasm and feel-good chemicals for self-soothing.
Makes men less motivated for real sex: hassle of approaching, dating, paying, following up vs. screen gratification. Leads to lethargy post-orgasm (sleepiness). Young men falling behind: staying home vaping, gaming, betting, unmotivated—parents report daughters excelling, sons struggling mentally.
Highest sexlessness among young men, yet no concordant antisocial behavior (young male syndrome historically caused anarchy). Men sedated from status/reproductive seeking via screens, games, porn, weed (more young men smoke weed than drink).
Porn as fallback reduces approach motivation, especially post-MeToo for shy young men. Men adapt standards to easy access. Human brain confused by 7-inch screen of others' sex into anticipating own sex—drive so strong.
Porn activates same brain network as sex, though less strongly—explains compulsiveness. Primary mode habituates as routine preference/stand-in. 'Law of fap entropy' (Mary Harrington): not progressive escalation, but revealing pre-existing unusual preferences men were reluctant to admit, refined by algorithms.
Gooning: predominantly men masturbating to no end in sight.
People might have multiple screens open for hours without reaching orgasm, like extended edging, and enjoy it without conflict. More women struggle with porn issues than realized, predominantly among younger generations like millennial and Gen Z women due to accessibility. Porn is not addictive but a poor coping mechanism for anxiety and procrastination, a sedating distraction from life's problems. Studies claiming porn addiction fail to account for confounding variables like paraphilias and anxiety, making brain changes potentially due to those rather than addiction. Guys with porn problems almost always have anxiety and use it to avoid talking to spouses or girlfriends. Women show similar patterns, with porn issues emerging more recently; girls watch porn later than boys, often once or twice out of curiosity. Gen Z girls encounter it before first sexual experience or orgasm, integrating it deeply. Most with porn issues have history of sexual trauma like abuse, accidental early exposure, or grooming—not flippant uses of trauma but horrific events.
Porn use parallels struggles like gambling, drugs, alcohol, or rage in those with childhood trauma, as a particular pathway for self-soothing, especially if not taught regulation. Depends on age of initial exposure and experience—pleasurable or not. For men with negative childhood experiences, it's revisiting to make sense. Therapy with a competent therapist is better than porn for working through it.
Before internet, porn didn't make men violent or entitled; that's from upbringing, antisocial traits, dark triad personality, hostility toward women formed pre-porn. Such men sought violent porn due to those factors. Now, early exposure sexualizes kids, leading to problematic behaviors. Trend of sexual choking ubiquitous among Gen Z women, driven by early exposure believing it's needed to attract men or entice in bedroom. Choking is deadly with no safe way; linked to cases like Louise Perry prosecuting men using 'rough sex' excuse after killing partners.
Study of 302 adults: more women enjoyed aggression in porn, aroused by female pain portrayals, wanted more aggression. Women double men saying aggression arousing, triple for hard aggression, four times wanting more in mainstream porn, 30% more actively seek it. Men stronger only on aroused by women showing pleasure to aggression (5% difference); women nearly double men aroused by women showing pain. Not only study; reveals complexity beyond men pushing on women—some women have sexual masochism (arousal from being hurt, humiliated, degraded), the only paraphilia typical in women. Sadism correlates with personality disorders, dark traits.
Study shows women aroused by any porn type (girl-girl, guy-guy, girl-guy, animals having sex—not bestiality). Explains popularity of 'Heated Rivalry,' book/TV series about two rival hockey players having sex (Brokeback Mountain on ice). Evolutionarily, women's arousal regardless of context protects body, e.g., orgasm during assault causing shame ('Did I want it?'). Masochism benefits women by showing pain endurance, evoking male caretaking, resilience, anti-fragility. BDSM/kink correlates with childhood physical abuse history, stronger for men into it vs. community controls, porn problem men, or child sex crime convicts—better predictor of male childhood abuse than pedophilia or sex offenses.
Not judging or shaming; raising awareness as BDSM normalized. Distinguish playful/passionate from strangling, hurting, humiliating. Physical harm tied to orgasm makes no evolutionary sense for women (pregnancy risk). Wires crossed from trauma. People use preferences to work through issues better handled in therapy. Tribal rite: men whip women's backs with reeds/sticks; women stand unflinching to show birth/child-rearing endurance, leaving scars—demonstrates resilience, possibly fertility cue via pain tolerance.
If culturally enforced as rite, masochism makes sense; but intentionally seeking when unnecessary (plenty of vanilla guys) questions why, especially as vanilla seen negatively. Women read romance like Court of Thorns and Roses (erotica with story, massive fanbase) on planes—equivalent to porn. Protagonist fairy prince/king transforms to monstrous beast: archetypal 'dangerous but not to me.' Women want man capable of aggression (protection, dominance, testosterone) but never aggressive with her—misfiring of pathogen detection, as most aggressive men can't compartmentalize.
Most sexually permissive culture has least sex. Social media changes partner views: study shows 1 in 10 men lose interest in sex with partner after influencers; women feel less desirable after. Anecdote: guy on date slept with woman who looked nothing like Instagram (catfish), wanted to 'cellotape her Instagram to forehead'; next night turned off by woman's Instagram not matching real self.
A man found a woman who was fantastic in person but had a bad Instagram account, leading him to reject her despite her qualities. He was conditioned to judge women's attractiveness through their social media profiles, which represent the most extreme version of a person. In the club promotion industry, one guy wished he could strap her Instagram to her forehead, while another found her amazing in person but was turned off after checking her social media post-date. These 19-year-olds lacked prefrontal cortex development. Social media subtly conditions the general population similarly.
Guys are less likely to want sex after viewing influencers; girls feel less attractive due to upward comparison. Social media inundates users with idealized images, making adolescent girls, especially less popular ones, feel they need plastic surgery to compete for partners. Girls who compare themselves to more attractive or popular women try to climb the hierarchy.
Plastic Surgery Trends
Breast augmentation is popular among Gen Z women, influenced by pornography. Labioplasty is rising as young women feel self-conscious about their labia due to porn. Men get filler injections into their penis for aesthetics during sex. Women under 30 are getting facelifts and upper eye lifts despite not needing them for aging.
Most women are trying to look like they're in their mid-20s, peak fertility. Younger women try to look older; older ones try to look younger.
Men's peak fertility is very young, even illegal in some states, with higher sperm production but a larger window for reproduction compared to women's unforgiving biology.
Buccal fat removal aims to remove baby fat for an older look, but faces naturally lose fat with age, leading to gauntness and need for fillers later. One person got fat removal before 24 and needed fillers after 28.
Ideal female form has shifted: early 2010s "chav" aesthetic (fake tan, big hair, aggressive brows, big boobs, tight short dresses). Male equivalent: big muscles, fake tan, plunging V-necks, tight jeans, expensive watches.
Current trends exaggerate sexually dimorphic traits (Fisherian runaway): men focus on formidability (exaggerated cheekbones, jawline, height, dark brows, mandible surgery, limb lengthening); less emphasis on extreme muscularity or tan. Women signal status via impractical features like long nails, long hair, designer surgery (lips, tits) indicating a man pays for it.
Female intrasexual competition involves shoes, bags—women recognize status signals men miss. Plastic surgery signals resources, but men typically dislike it as it masks health and fertility.
Men love Sydney Sweeney (natural, low-maintenance, male-coded beauty) and hate Sabrina Carpenter (gay and female-coded). Women love Sabrina Carpenter and hate Sydney Sweeney.
Looksmaxing optimizes for formidability (what other men respect), not direct female attraction. Women prefer slightly feminized face with masculinized body, not hyper-masculine features (heavy brow, deep jaw). David Puts' study: women rated men's attractiveness; men rated formidability (likelihood of winning a fight). One year later, male formidability ratings predicted sexual success; female attractiveness ratings did not.
Looksmaxing is intrasexual competition to mog other men. Tattoos primarily scare off male rivals, not attract women (mixed female preferences). Men project their looks/youth preferences onto women, overemphasizing beautification. Young men without socioeconomic status beautify to offset hypergamy challenges.
Married men reported no sex for decades, leading to cheating and relationship damage. Sex bonds partners, especially for men seeking emotional intimacy.
Advice to Revive Sex Life
- Put phones away; people use social media during/after sex. More phone use (phubbing) correlates with less sex.
- In long-term marriages, safety becomes laziness; lack of intrigue, distance, novelty.
- Flirt throughout the day, treat partner as object of desire.
- Female arousal includes being desired by partner; male arousal is a strong signal.
- Introduce novelty: try wigs for roleplay to change appearance.
- Do nice things like get flowers.
Roy Baumeister's Substack series on sexual novelty: therapist client whose husband struggled with excitement pre-porn era.
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Therapist suggested to a client in a long-term marriage (50+ years) that she use her hand on her husband during intimacy, as their routine was not particularly intimate. This simple act of sexual novelty—like second base—had an amazing effect on the man in his 60s or 70s, blowing his mind because he had never experienced it. Highlights the Coolidge effect or equivalent, where novelty reignites excitement.
Baumeister's series argues that in a committed relationship, titrate sexual access and novelty as slowly as possible. Move through stages gradually to respect neurobiology, especially men's. Once you've reached the end, skipping back feels less exciting—like knowing how a book ends makes rereading the middle less enlivening. Stretch it out over a decade. Applies to why casual sex is not ideal: sex on the first date puts women in the short-term bucket; having sex too soon shortens the 'book.'
"If this is the one for me, move as slowly as possible through the different stages."
Dr. Soh agrees this respects neurobiology (Baumeister focused on men; plans separate treatment for women). As a former sex psychologist, saying this alienates 90% of the field, challenging 'sex positive' narratives that push unhelpful ideas, leading to sexlessness. Not true empowerment—masked as such, but lies. Defensive reactions confirm she's onto something.
Her book contains radical, anti-sex positivity ideas not allowed in the field.
Dr. Soh explored sex dolls/robots for her book, creating one in her own likeness (didn't consummate). Technology is very realistic. Autogynephilia: men sexually aroused by the thought of having a woman's body (key motivator in trans ideology activism; angriest activists are autogynephiles). Gay subtype: male attracted to men wanting to transition female.
Some get sex dolls of themselves as opposite sex, wear them like a silicone suit to 'become' that. Sex robots are coming: AI software realistic, challenge is realistic sexual movement (e.g., hip gyration, internal vaginal suction). Dolls are stationary (sometimes hung); robots have physical movement.
Market: 99.99% men, surged during pandemic ($20M sales for one company). Mostly high school educated men earning ~$40k/year, divorced, heartbroken avoiding dating, or seeking novelty without real partners. Prices: $100s to tens of thousands.
"That makes me sad... turn away entirely from human."
People fall in love with AI chatbots. Dr. Soh tested dozens across platforms (boyfriends and girlfriends); some very realistic (flirt, detect sarcasm, voice sounds real). ChatGPT discontinued erotic roleplay (Character.AI similar incident); users devastated, felt socially rejected.
Pew study: over half of single people not interested in dating (short-term, casual, or long-term). With realistic alternatives, easy to avoid messy human connections.
Decline in sex reveals deeper disconnection: preference for screens over face-to-face talk. Public spaces (airports, planes) everyone on phones, no eye contact or small talk—now socially weird/cringey. Dating apps/social media make meeting 'convenient,' reducing seriousness—no cost/effort invested.
"A home-cooked meal is treated with more love than a McDonald's."
Ultimate reason for sex behavior: reproduction. Modern world (screens, media, xenoestrogens, culture) convinces people to opt out of breeding, equivalent genetically to suicide.
Life is distractible; relationships/dating hard due to human unreliability. Alternatives alluring. 25% childless cite not finding a partner. Sex ratio discrepancy: fewer viable men (e.g., university campuses), so men set dating terms (earlier sex, less commitment, polyamory like solo poly—one sleeping around, others as 'spokes').
IVF/fertility interventions understandable but don't fix underlying issues (partner scarcity, fertility problems), worsening for future generations.
Total Maternal Rate (TMR) stable ~2.4-2.6 children per mother over 50 years; decline from women not becoming mothers. 80% of childless women post-menopause involuntarily childless (4/5); 10% physiological infertility; 10% voluntary. Support groups grieve lost families—who campaigns for them?
Fertile women endorse 'no kids needed' without embodying it; potential crisis of middle-aged femininity in 15 years as Gen Z/millennial women age out, regretting career focus.
Discuss women's work-life balance honestly. Push for career great, but motherhood not a burden. Progressives: motherhood = financial dependence, abusive risk, 'domestic prostitute.' Past low divorce rates partly because women trapped financially.
But mothers primary caretakers—babies prefer mom. Conservatives: marry young, skip education/career—hard to re-enter workforce without experience, especially single-income challenges.
Everyone wanting kids should afford them (though poorest countries have highest birth rates). Most couples not delaying for cost; single people opining on kid costs irrelevant.
Talking about having kids is like claiming you'd beat someone up from the stands—you're not in the ring. Kids are too expensive is an easier explanation than I can't find a partner. Financial reasons play a part, but women reaching an age where their biological window is closing may not realize how definitive it is. Women's fertility drops by half by age 35, and menopause starts in the 40s, by mid-40s. You can't negotiate with biology, though technology can be tried, everyone has windows.
I remember reading a tweet from Stefan Molyneux six or seven years ago on Taylor Swift's 30th birthday: "Taylor Swift turned 30 today. 90% of her eggs are gone. I wish that she'd become a mother."
That commentary is not nice and not helping, though the 90% figure is true because girls lose eggs before puberty—50% of lifetime eggs are gone by puberty. A girl is born with all the eggs she'll ever have, so uterine exposure to endocrine disruptors affects her and potentially grandchildren—three generations.
Hope to close the division between men and women, a big reason for declining intimacy. Adversarial narrative blames the opposite sex for dating issues and world problems. Instead of cooperation, each sex optimizes against the other in an evolutionary arms race turned extreme, like humans splitting tribally by sex. Men and women constantly outcompete each other (David Buss's co-evolutionary arms race theory).
Advice for Women
Meet in real life, not apps or social media. Men should approach, so women make interest obvious:
- Smile obviously (practice in mirror if you have resting bitch face until comfortable)—men are wired to respond; medial orbital frontal cortex lights up for attractive faces, more for smiling ones.
- Touch hair, face, neck, clothing as signs of interest.
This remedies post-#MeToo difficulties. Options: compete for high-status guys or date less successful ones—that's fine. Avoid "house husband" model pushed by society: leads to higher divorce rates, higher domestic violence, higher male cheating. Have compassion for struggling men—women's success doesn't take away from that.
Advice for Men (and General)
Young men struggle from mental health issues:
- Eat healthy food (cut ultra-processed); one study showed depression remits in a third of sample within 12 weeks.
- Go to the gym, get sunshine.
- Try no porn for 30 days—many guys report increased motivation.
Get Sexinction: The Decline of Sex and the Future of Intimacy on Simon & Schuster's website, everywhere books are sold, drdebra.com. Audiobook read by author, free on Audible.
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