“Divorce is like death for a child” - Erica Komisar
In a Nutshell
Divorce feels like death to children, shattering their essential illusion of parental permanence, perfection, and a stable "safe nest" that builds resilience and trust in relationships. Children blame themselves via magical thinking ("If I caused it, I can fix it"), get stuck in grief stages like anger or denial, and suffer attachment wounds that persist into adulthood. Parents must prioritize kids by communicating collaboratively, seeking therapy to avoid burdening children with their pain, and reassuring them of unconditional love to mitigate long-term trauma.
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Divorce is experienced by children almost like a death in the family. Better to have two parents, a mother and father, because they serve different functions. As they say in the UK, better to have an heir and a spare. With two parents, if you lose one you have another. A nuclear family with two parents creates the illusion of a safe nest, a safe, stable environment providing emotional security for healthy development. That stability offers shock absorbers for resilience against adversity.
Life has no permanence—parents could die, get sick, or get hit by a bus—but children are born needing that illusion of permanence. Healthy defenses allow optimism and coping despite world craziness. Divorce shatters this illusion before children are ready. Every child is born needing a sense of omnipotence in their parents: believing parents are perfect, can do anything, and will protect them.
Story: Erica's husband as a little boy—father always drove (traditional setup, mother never drove). He sat in back feeling father knew every road on every map in the whole world. Childhood is feeling protected, parents as bigger-than-life characters.
Divorce reveals parents' imperfections, seeing them as human before ready, plus impermanence of relationships and lack of trust. Children from divorce often have trouble trusting permanence of marriage and connections later (not all).
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