Divorce Lawyer: “Give her a prenup on the 3rd date” - James Sexton
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
It's Valentine's Day, a big day where people make bad choices, leading to the biggest influx of future clients for divorce lawyers. There's hyper-confidence, lots of proposals, romantically lovely but statistically likely to lead to divorce consultations.
Host offers a list of 50 viral questions to connect deeply with your partner (some evidence-based, some original) and 25 to decide if it's time to leave, available at chriswilx.com/valentines.
Professional athletes have monastic discipline focused on one task (e.g., catching/throwing a football, shooting a three), useful in marriage for one-pointed focus avoiding distractions.
NFL players get giant contracts early (hundreds of millions in early 20s), often marry high school girlfriend; all money acquired during marriage is subject to division as one legal person. Most lack prenups due to unsophisticated advice.
MLB/NHL players have longer careers; sports without massive injury risk differ from NFL/MMA (shorter careers, less money for MMA).
Post-retirement, athletes (especially NFL with short careers) are often lost; few commentator slots, not all articulate (e.g., defensive lineman). Started playing at 5-7 years old with lifelong discipline.
Easy to be married while playing: structured life (preseason, postseason, travel), leagues accommodate families, athletes busy and must stay disciplined unlike touring musicians with free time/partying.
Divorce rate for professional athletes ~70% (nearly 50% higher than national 50%); 50% of divorces within one year of retirement/injury. Vows are "for better or worse," not "for lunch." Retirement silence is deafening after hyper-structured days (diet, workouts tracked).
Little support for athlete transitions vs. veterans (VA helps with employment, PTSD). $20-50M is like giving a loaded gun: too much money/people, loss of life's devotion. Coaching high school after NBA unsatisfying.
Dissatisfaction leads to divorce: most romantic discord from self-relationship (restless, unsatisfied, project onto partner). Proximity amplifies; partner's quirks (snort laugh, chew mouth open) go from cute to annoying when angry/hating self/choices.
In New York, finance people (hedge fund guys, ex-traders) are nightmares on other side—also bad clients. No risk aversion; risk-tolerant, aggressive (high testosterone intensity), ready for war.
Quant guys better: do math on risk/reward, hours billed, provide roadmap (e.g., "if offer here, counter there").
Lack of risk aversion bad because they push to trial (roll dice). Most divorces resolve via mediation/negotiation; litigation (courtroom, cross-examination) for hardcore cases—lawyer as "chainsaw" vs. scalpel for most. Court equalizes force; embodies "world needs bad men to keep other bad men out."
Everyone has a prenup: government's (changeable anytime without notice, can't opt out) or couple's contract.
Prenup is contract for "if this marriage ends" (all do: death or divorce; hope for death). Sets rules for asset division, obligations if not death.
Government laws (domestic relations law, family court act) govern dissolution like intestacy/criminal laws. Marriage is most legally significant act besides dying: affects property, title, spousal/child support, inheritance. No pamphlet/brochure given.
Marriage: choosing favorite person out of 8 billion, involving government (threesome with state/DMV-level competence).
Every state has quirks, e.g., evidentiary rules. New York: hearsay exception for Child Protective Services/Department of Social Services workers—can quote investigations (teacher heard someone say children beaten) as non-hearsay evidence, no confrontation/cross-examination possible.
Some U.S. jurisdictions: consensual sodomy (oral sex, non-penetrative penile-vaginal, including gay/hetero, hand jobs) still crime.
[Humorous tangent on hand jobs/fingering as outdated tech, self-doable; question "when last time?" reveals life status; Papa John's combo; Valentine's throwback with Nelly's "Hot in Herre."]
No tracking (prenups private, not filed; copies in safes; people lie, esp. celebrities—seen them deny on TV but have signed in office; sealed files unless leaked).
Theory (25 years, hundreds/thousands prenups): prenup process friendly (optimism, like each other, low cost ~$10-15k vs. divorce retainer $25-50k); only done 3 divorces for prior prenup clients (unlikely all switch lawyers mutually).
People with prenups usually don't divorce. Requires open/vulnerable/brave conversation (say upsetting short-term thing for long-term safety)—useful skill bodes well. Many break up during prenup process.
Third date. Safely: discuss celebrity marriages (Travis/Taylor prenup? Smart business people). Gauge reaction (never? smart? silence?).
Early talks: kids? dog/cat/no pets? geography? family importance (elderly parents move in?). Prenup fits: "How do you feel about prenup/state handling marriage end?"
Can't feel loved without safety (seen intimate partner abuse where intimacy weaponized). Love requires vulnerability (brave despite fear, opens to loss). Prenup: how both feel safe (e.g., Goldman Sachs partner and yoga teacher).
In relationships with economic disparity, such as a wealthy Goldman Sachs partner and a beautiful yoga teacher, there's tremendous polarity. She helps him calm down, breathe, and live life; he helps her be focused and serious, providing resources. This is the tale as old as time, the nature of male-female couplings. Nothing wrong with him saying, "Hey, I want to feel like if we split up, you're not going to come at me for every single thing you possibly can get." She should say, "Hey, if we split up, I want to feel like I'm not going to be so far behind in the race." You can't run a marathon, take a half-hour break at mile 10, and catch up. This is diminished lifetime earning capacity. She's making choices to remain a yoga teacher without worrying about making money to buy a place. Does that mean she's entitled to half of everything? Most honest people say no, but "I think I'm entitled to something, or even if not, wouldn't you want me to feel safe and loved?" Have that conversation early. The worst time to learn how to fight is in a fight. The worst time to learn legal rights and obligations in divorce is in a consultation when divorcing, but that's when most people learn it.
Normalize prenups: every marriage has a prenup. A prenup is a rule set—clear before entering, like knowing the speed limit and side of the road before driving. Prenup conversation: "Hey, I trust you. You trust me. We have abundance of goodwill. While we're crazy about each other, how can we make each other feel safe?" I've been in love and have self-awareness to say to a woman, "I want to protect you from people that hurt you, even if that's me." There's a chance I'll hurt you, make you sad, disappoint you—this might not work out. I've seen hearts broken, had mine broken, broken others'. There's assumption of risk: we might hurt each other. If anyone would hurt you, I want to protect you, including me. "What do you need to feel safe?"
Such agreements are becoming more common, but enforceability is challenging. People should have open conversations about the economy of marriage—marriage as an economy of value exchange. We've lost the plot by not viewing relationships this way. Daring to say "you bring warmth and comfort, I bring resources" challenges sameness. We can all be generic cogs, girl bosses, or stay home changing diapers—but is that what we want? If I love to cook and she doesn't, why should I do 100%? Equity in relationships: does either feel taken advantage of, giving too much or taking too little consistently? There will be times of imbalance due to tragedies, work stress.
Establishing a baseline is important: "Here's what we're feeling and thinking now." Like throwing a dot on the dartboard in the region we're aiming for. Two contradictory errors when marrying or cohabitating:
- Thinking marriage changes the person (he drinks too much now but will settle; wandering eye or party girl will change).
- Thinking marriage prevents change (builds walls to keep it wonderful).
There's you, me, and we. "We" can subsume you and me—the thing we fell in love with. Wedding ring is anti-monster powder, a story myth to protect, like sprinkling powder on kids' rooms to keep monsters out. Things change. Baselines help: early days sex twice a day, 6 days a week—won't stay that way 10 years in (exhausting, too much cardio). Notice deviation from baseline—not necessarily bad. Discuss if needed: hormones shifted, baby now, etc. Measure what matters.
More people discuss early: dogs, raising children (homeschool vs. K-12), prenups, timeline/number of children. Sounds unromantic, transactional, sterile—but incredible: shows vision of future, wondering if partner will dance to bring it to life. Maybe they'll teach you new wants. Ability to have transparent, egoless, vulnerable conversation is as valuable as outcome. "This is my inner world: I like quiet mornings, but you play music and dance—I find it difficult."
Vishal Verasami's "divorce mystery": Why divorce someone you thought was your favorite? Good times poor predictor of handling bad times. Lows, not highs, make or break relationships. Exciting to hype specific connections short-term, but long-term it's handling misunderstandings, conflict, confusion, disagreements. Wittgenstein: to know a thing, know its limits—push beyond tolerances, nature emerges. Reality shows like The Bachelor, Love Island funny: great in paradise with perfect dates, but how with head cold, bad mood? See partner without makeup/Spanx most times; dating has Spanx on personality. Value in seeing organism handle stress: both stressed, what does it look like?
Can be romantic. Greatest fear isn't not finding love, but not being worthy of love—if they saw ugliness, thoughts, weakness. Presenting best self; devil convinces us we're too beastly for God's love. Someone seeing all that and saying "I love you, even more because you're human—I have it too." Need others for blind spots. In performative social media, present greatest hits; love feels unreal if they bought the character. Real love: sharing fears, reactions, turn-ons—"I get that, I have stuff too."
Good disagreement is substantive, to merit/position—not about pasta/dirty dish, but what it represents (not paying attention to feelings, orderliness). Do not weaponize intimacy: ability to be completely yourself. Using soft targets to hurt is villainous—can't take back; shows betrayal. Every couple has a sentence that would shrivel partner crying (e.g., fears becoming like mother/father). In Marriage Story, Adam Driver/Scarlett Johansson unload: "You're exactly like your mother—you bring everyone down same ways." Things only known from deep vulnerability or ringside seat.
Worst time to learn to fight is in a fight. Early in relationship: "We're going to argue someday—probably my fault. How do you like to argue? Need a minute to calm? Never say 'calm down'? Change subject, hug? Code word for break then reconvene in 10 minutes? Or must resolve tonight, can't sleep angry?"
From Your Brain on Love by Stan Hadkin: In arguments, deal quickly, ideally within 3 minutes. At dinner, if dismissive/mocking in front of friends: "Honey, quick word?" Agree in advance—not to fix, but bring temperature down. Human attachment: else moves to long-term memory, see partner as predator (same brain structures), stomach-twisting dread. Chapter "Hit Send Now": Send email (sounds impersonal, but thoughtful). Understanding: subject "Hit Send Now" means quick issue-address. Verbal in-moment risks defensive reaction, especially with friends nearby.
Emails allow time to digest content without immediate response, unlike verbal discussions. Writing carefully prevents small issues from escalating. Subject heading: 'hitting send now that this is one of those emails that I just want to say this, you don't have to respond immediately.' Partner reads, digests, and processes thoughtfully.
Speed causes defensiveness. Example chain: 'We're not having sex as much.' 'You're not home.' 'I'm working.' 'You spend too much money.' Truth buried deep, hard to access—like picking needle off spinning record.
As trial lawyer doing full-contact storytelling, frame discussions effectively. Compare:
- 'Why aren't we having sex as much as we used to?'
- 'Man, it sucks we're not having sex as much as we used to.'
Better: Nostalgic priming—'Drove past restaurant from first dating days, went to apartment, stayed in bed day and a half. That was so much fun. I still love when we're physically close.' Praises partner, reminds of connection, then: 'I've been busy at work, but let's make time to roll around in bed—you're the hottest thing.'
Versus accusatory: 'You haven't given me a blowjob/handjob in ages.'
Best question for couples: 'How did you meet?' Even if tense from fight, within five minutes, softness emerges—returns them to when they were interested and interesting.
Key: Talking, especially meta-commentary—'This is weird/scary/interesting what we're doing.' Discuss formative experiences. Games/tools:
- Article: 30 questions to make two people fall in love (progressively intense; many at chriswex.com/valentine).
- Card game: Tales.
- Diary of CEO questions by Steve.
Dating as progressively revealing self—play in world of ideas. Hookup culture lost progressive revelation, teasing, earning rewards.
Courtship is the period during which a woman works out if she can do better. (Roy Baumeister)
Sparks men's challenge drive—not toxic masculinity.
Men bond via vasopressin. Good boy points drive men—bedroom, kitchen, kids, dressing nicely, shaving. Even in Brazilian jiu-jitsu (20 years training), tapping once after 15 taps feels like progress; coach's 'good' euphoric.
Speaker's brown belt after 15 years: proudest accomplishment despite building law firm, representing wealthiest.
Old-school courtship: Women loved it, men loved standards. Solves body count issue via gatekeeping, earning.
Progressively reveal physically/emotionally together—e.g., not seeing partner naked without knowing siblings.
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Baumeister Substack series: Titrate sexual novelty slowly for men (like no nightly ice cream for kids). From book:
Men will do what women demand to get laid. Women set sex standards, men meet them... If women stopped sleeping with jerks, men would stop being jerks.
Men adapt to required behaviors for sex: pillars, liars, rich, romantic, funny—or broken, flaky.
Modern romance/girl magazines related to emotionally unavailable men.
People lie to therapists/surveys/studies, not divorce lawyers (privilege, need full truth). Sees credit cards, texts, everything in litigation. Argued every side: abusers/abused, addicts/partners, DV perpetrators/victims.
No pure good/bad—line of good/evil through every heart. Need standards/code.
Men's code: Protector/provider like samurai, Natty Bumppo (Last of the Mohicans)—things done/not done.
Hunger in men for mission, expectations. Women as sex gatekeepers: Earn via discipline/focus/seriousness—not money.
53-year-old speaker: Women gaga in comments—not looks, but seriousness (suit vs. hoodies). Suit signals: 'I take this seriously' (job interview/funeral, not beach).
Every man wants good girl bad for him; every woman bad boy good for her. Suit + tattoo sleeves = Clark Kent/Superman.
Advice: Men—mission, best self, clean up. Women—gatekeep sex, hold standards.
Manosphere critics: Yes, accommodate women's gatekeeping—unless grifting.
Recent press on show/men topics. Steve (Diary of CEO) engaged, yet both labeled misogynists—insane.
Third rail: Birth rate decline factors obvious but hacky to state.
Diet book analogy: Simple truths (less processed, lean protein, move) too short.
Scott Galloway call anecdote.
Gentlemanosphere: Richard Reeves, Arthur Brooks, speaker, host, Scott Galloway, Alex Hormozi, Chris Bumstead, Rob Henderson, Ben Shapiro(? Men Murphy).
Civilize mind, savage body—not just gentlemen.
Scott's Notes on Being a Man: Great but half-length without throat-clearing/land acknowledgments/fraternity misogyny/racism disclaimers.
Richard Reeves: Sick of social land acknowledgments before men's points.
Need single disclaimer, full episode, or 'Women are wonderful' safe word/acronym (WW).
Silicon Valley scene: Endless 'Ryan is great, but...'—agree on common acknowledgment.
Characteristics of powerful attributed superior (Gloria Steinem essay If Men Could Menstruate, 1960s/70s context).
E.g., If men menstruated: Only men in military (blood sight), etc.
Led to invite: Afternoon with 90s Gloria Steinem (mother's idol) on modern masculinity.
Work based on clients who signed up for mutual love/life improvement. Marriage goal: Spouse looks back at end of life positively.
They would look at you and say, "You helped me become the most authentic version of myself, and you're still my favorite person." If there's a wedding toast that has value, that would be it. Hope that someday when one of you passes, you will look at the other one and say, "You helped me become the most authentic version of who I am, and you're still my favorite person." How is this a conversation that is in any way controversial to want to have to get better at this job?
Schools spent a lot of time teaching how to divide fractions, which has been useless. Never needed it once. Nobody had conversations about how relationships work, how to not paint yourself into corners you can't get out of, how to have conversations. You can't win a fight with your spouse or girlfriend. Everybody loses. If you won, you lost because you made the person feel small. And vice versa for women and men. If you lost, you lost. How do we interact with it because this is important to all of us.
Defining characteristics of the general manosphere:
- Emotions are important. Not seeing suppression as strength and integrating them into the relationship.
- Striving.
- Prioritization of relational patterns.
Canonical examples like Chris Bumstead, most dominant bodybuilder of his era, six-time world champion, cried on camera 6 weeks before going on stage in his girlfriend's arms because he was worried.
Integration of emotions, open transparentness, not suppression as strength, pushing on the relational part. Contrast with classically patriarchal approach: head of household, I say you do, no negotiation, top-down. Leader-follower dynamic is good, important, preferred by many women, but degree of integration in learning how to relate well.
Type of person we're looking for:
- Someone you will find fascinating to talk to after you've talked for 20,000 hours.
- Someone you feel comfortable talking through the hardest and most painful decisions you will face in your life.
- The conversation is wildly generative for both of you in that it brings you out. It helps you become.
You more of me, more me. I want to be more me.
Not wanting partner to become what you want, but the most authentic version of themselves. Becoming yourself is the hardest thing, to identify what that means, become an authentic version fearlessly, embrace all parts of yourself, messiness.
Embrace parts of self. Speaker has traditionally masculine traits: constantly challenging self, loves to push physical tolerances, competitively ran marathons, trained Brazilian jiu-jitsu, tattooed entire body, embracing pain and challenges, feels cleansed and excited after enduring. Largely masculine traits, though many women enjoy that too. Okay to say some things are traditionally this or that. Nothing precludes embracing other pieces of self and authentically presenting it. Anything too consistent worries; if someone is so consistent you can predict car, hobbies, vote from appearance. Job is pattern recognition.
In courtroom, identify important people, manipulate emotional state of everyone. Make judge feel good about client, dislike other side; other side scared and vulnerable; client safe; court reporter and officer like speaker, dislike adversary so in break they say, "I like Jim. He's a really good lawyer. That witness didn't seem trustworthy." Fuck with everybody in room with noble goal: accomplish objective for client. Other side doing it too.
Job is full contact storytelling: tell story while someone tries to stop you and tell a different story. Like stand-up comic while someone heckles and tries to be funnier. With audience of one vaguely paying attention, not most ambitious lawyer or they wouldn't take that gig.
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Good storytelling starts with dynamic imagination, putting yourself in head of person whose story you're telling. For own story, full range of human experience and emotion. Structuring testimony for custody case: tell life story, who you are as person and parent, include strengths and weaknesses.
Eight Mile approach: like end of movie 8 Mile, Eminem wins final battle by telling opponents everything they already know about him. Tell judge something opposing counsel doesn't already know about client, because bad texts like "go fuck yourself" will come out anyway. Put client on stand to read it: sent to wife when frustrated and angry, didn't help co-parenting, didn't improve communication, wouldn't do differently? Client admits human, pushed by 50 cursing texts, lost temper, lashed out. Now opposing counsel crosses out cross-examination pages because client is sympathetic, human.
Best storytelling: you're hero but also weak, making mistakes. Bring whole hero's journey: challenge, failure, prospect of not making it, redemption arc.
Connecting with people and talking is huge. COVID remote trials nightmare; cross-examining via video difficult. Predatory to earn right to beat up witness. Effective cross-exam: get them to commit to principles helping your case, then use to snap their neck.
Hard to say, like knowing when to leave a job. Humorous: winners never quit, quitters never win, but if never win and never quit, you're an idiot. When done what you could and still majority of time feel empty, unsatisfied, alone. Loneliness with someone is unique hell. Friend joked: knew he was in relationship when having sex and thought, "one of these days I've got to get laid." Consistently wanting to sleep with others during sex with partner. But much in book about reversing spiral created with excellent intentions.
Sexual monotony: people screw up sex lives in monogamous relationship with good intentions. Dating, throw all techniques from past partners, porn, internet. Quickly learn what works: play the hits like Bruce Springsteen Born to Run, Thunder Road. On tight schedule, do routine in certain order. Creates routine/rut. Deviate and unspoken: "that was weird, deviating from routine, something wrong?" Leads to defensive conversations: why don't we do this anymore?
Behavior modification: instead of confrontation, tell partner about "dream I had about you last night, dirtiest thing, can't look you in eye." Describe what you've been thinking. She asks if want to do it: maybe subconscious thought it hot. If no: subconscious, maybe ate dairy. Starts dialogue.
Reverse flow by treating partner with grace. Text mid-day: song on Spotify shuffle making me think of you; woman walked by wearing perfume from when we first met. Equivalent of sending nudes to man. PS you're way hotter. Gift costs nothing. Man receiving out-of-blue nude from girlfriend: triple nudes, gold star, three dozen roses.
Life hack series: text friends when you think of them. Speaker texts old business partner about food poisoning at son's first birthday: both locked in nightclub toilets New Year's Eve, Manchester and Newcastle. Or "hey man, thinking of you, hope you're well." Apple Photos memories pop up: send to person in photo, "look at these kids, who were we?" Leads to "how you doing? Love you too." Beautiful connection, costs nothing.
Never hear this in mainstream media because free, no commercial incentive: no app, run club, Equinox signup.
Pickup artist movement pushed back against because manipulating to bed, but reliable signal of authenticity: jiu-jitsu capacity 15 years ago not contriving self. Same for piano, French. Not true for bedroom abilities, primary language, accent. Ick if read instructional on bedroom.
World split: tapped in vs not. Conscious relating: deliberately think how show up affects other, recursive spiral, goal spin up, stop down. Learn attachment theory, anxious if no text, tell partner, gentle but firm boundaries: "remember when I said that makes me feel this, love if you..." Cycle through partners/friends, acquired taste, niche. But alchemy, deeper friendships, even old ones on parallel journeys.
Normalize rules for relationships. Book How to Stay in Love: noble goal. See 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Power of Habit in married guy's home: crushing it. See How to Stay in Love: things rough at home. Supposed to be naturally good at relationships.
Drinking: alcohol only drug where not doing it means you have problem. Speaker doesn't drink, never had issue, but people assume alcoholic. Same true for relationship.
Relationship advice is one of the few types where taking it assumes an issue exists. This is fundamentally important with broad-reaching implications. Warren Buffett and similar figures say one of the most important business decisions is who they married. A good romantic partner avoids massive stress, terrible financial decisions, and serves as an incredible asset. They help see blind spots and become the best version of yourself. There is tremendous value in being good at relationships, even if not the top priority—whether money, kids, or physical state. A good relationship enhances all. From The Smashing Machine (film or documentary), an amazing person was derailed by toxic relationships and addiction.
Saying relationships are a teachable skill, something to improve systematically, has value. Next book is about a systematic approach to being good at love: be good at it, not bad.
- If you woke up tomorrow and the relationship ended with no conversation, fallout, or drama, would you be disappointed or relieved?
- Do you spend more time in the relationship or questioning it?
- What emotions do you mostly feel toward your partner? What thoughts most frequently? Is this how you'd prepare to feel for the rest of your life—not hoping for future change?
- Would you want your future imagined child to date someone like your partner?
The child question is powerful from custody cases experience. People won't change for themselves but will for children. Victims of domestic violence, partner abuse, coercive control: telling them they deserve better doesn't register, but saying children watch and model this dynamic does. Daughter believes this is how men treat women; son believes this is how men treat women. Prompts immediate change.
If your best friend, daughter, son, brother, sister were in this relationship, what would you tell them?
From Adam Lane Smith (attachment theorist): Women breakups/divorces often occur shortly after child birth—not just pressure, less sex, but women tolerate self-mistreatment yet can't bear potential child mistreatment. Example: "This guy doesn't have his shit together... I loved him... engagement/moving in/wedding/kid didn't fix it. Now it's about this little thing."
Like movies: hero withstands torture, but folds when friend/girlfriend/kid threatened. Watching others suffer when you can intervene is infinitely harder than enduring yourself. You accept self-suffering nobility (winners don't quit, David Goggins of suffering), but not imposing on others.
Hardest as parent: sitting with children's necessary pain. Can't solve with M&Ms anymore. Example: Child loses best friend Chris (hanging with lacrosse team). No fix—interests diverge. Help process, don't call other mom. Noble compulsion to fix is backward: implies they aren't enough without change, your discomfort drives it. Power dynamic: urge to save world masks urge to rule.
Better: "I'm sorry that happened. How did that make you feel? That must be hard."
Must tell people unwanted truths, give difficult news straight, sit with pain without minimizing/amplifying. Extrapolates to parenting, relationships, friendships. Key skill: conversations making you/partner uncomfortable but serving relationship—alchemy turning ugly into transformation. Emerge closer.
Worst: Immediately dive into another serious relationship without pause. If getting under someone to get over, be candid—don't lead on, mislead, or lie to self (most dangerous lies are self-lies). Still processing grief/trauma/loss—move through stages (Kübler-Ross: denial, bargaining, sadness, anger, acceptance). Relationship death like actual death; can't skip. Recovery starts when divorce final (paper signed), not when moved out.
Best:
- Body practice (yoga, martial arts, running marathons, Brazilian jiu-jitsu). Post-divorce, returned to martial arts/BJJ: "cardio for divorced dads" (Craig Jones quote). Builds trust/intimacy (tap out promise), physical boundaries broken, community/microculture.
- Spiritual practice (meditation, religion).
- Reconnect to self/aspects let go, become beginner at something, return to enjoyed sport.
- Sweat, overcome physical adversity, maintain strong body—healthy stress outlet vs. drinking.
- Creates community (feel alone in bad relationship/ending it).
Post-divorce with kids (5 and 7, boys): Joy when home, deafening silence when gone. Created routines: laundry, wash sheets, make beds, organize drawers—stage set for return. Gave permission to "be you now" and figure out who that man is (kids watching). Women can do same. Get pet if no kids. Need: someplace to go, something to do, something to love.
Divorce is deep disconnection (fall in love fast; out slowly then all at once). Feels like roller coaster deceleration, falling off edge—flying briefly, then crash.
Look back on life's loves/pains (mom's cancer death): formative, full emotional material. Love stories with full human emotion range. Only unfulfilled love truly romantic—spectrum of connection/disconnection.
Therapy: sometimes life's on fire (marriage ending, mom dying); sometimes blind spots/connections. Switched therapists after 15 years (retired). New one: gave Wikipedia life summary—epic tales now three sentences: "Married college sweetheart, 10 years, two kids, relatively friendly divorce." During, world ending (kids OK? Friends? Teams?). Now, "just a thing."
People seek aliveness: heartbreak tumult = life happening (like closing deal, selling business, falling in/out love). Better than forgettable Wednesday. Don't die without scars—earn them, remember stories.
Anxiety hates moving target; action antidote to anxiety.
Viral image: Pierce Brosnan and wife ~20 years apart—height of 007 fame (her young), now both older (her gained chest/weight). Meme: "daily reminder to avoid marriage." Best response: "that man hasn't aged a day in three decades." Single best marriage advert—he's flourishing.
Successful marriage in actor industry (they suck at marriage; done many actor divorces). Produced children, long marriage. Still very beautiful woman; gained weight, OK.
Pierce's wife has gained weight but remains a stunningly beautiful woman aging appropriately, not trying to undo the inevitable. In long-term partnerships, you don't always notice changes in each other, just like you don't notice your own weight gain until clothes feel tight. A mother sees her child as still 12 years old, which is a beautiful expression of love.
James shares a story about his 16-year-old dog, gotten at four months old. The dog is now deaf, needs to be carried up and down stairs, but wakes up every morning tail wagging, eager for breakfast with a great quality of life. When quality of life declines, he'll make the brave, difficult choice. He doesn't resent the dog's age; instead, he loves the dog more, knowing they're in the bonus rounds with limited time left.
I love that dog more and more. I know I'm in the bonus rounds. I know I don't have all that much time. And I have to tell you, I [__] love that dog.
People in long-term relationships might look at old photos from when they were kids, not knowing what lay ahead, and feel glad to be where they are now. That's escape velocity—they've made it. How can you not admire that?
Even if shallow, someone might think handsome, successful Pierce Brosnan could easily attract 20-year-olds and have his mind turned inside out. But he has options and chooses her; she likely has choices too. Their story is a success to aspire to if they're happy and find joy in each other. Judging them reveals more about your own life and emotional state than their reality.
Host praises James Sexton: > James Sexton, ladies and gentlemen, dude, you absolutely rule. I think you're fantastic. I love your work. I love the framing that you're placing around this the relatedness.
James appreciates the admiration and emphasizes important conversations. He advocates for a gentleman sphere—a dialogue on non-toxic masculinity. If non-toxic masculinity means femininity, that's not an answer. Many men and women see the current state isn't working. His busy divorce practice and colleagues' are testament to things going wrong—nobody means to get divorced, yet rates are up and predicted to rise.
We must fix individual components and bring them into meaningful dialogue.
- Get How to Stay in Love anywhere fine books are sold, or listen on Audible (8.5 hours).
- Instagram: @NYCDivorceLawyer (posts a lot there).
- Website: sextonshow.com (appearances and point of view).
Host thanks him: > You're amazing, man... Appreciate you.
Outro thanks viewers for tuning in to the entire episode and promotes another one.
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