“If everyone did this, I’d be out of a job” - Divorce Lawyer
In a Nutshell
A divorce lawyer argues that deep, progressive communication and courtship—sharing formative experiences via tools like 30 love questions or the Tales card game—builds strong relationships by fostering male motivation through vasopressin bonding, "good boy points," and earned sexual novelty, as per Roy Baumeister's insights. Men thrive on standards and missions (e.g., protector/provider codes, wearing suits to signal seriousness), while women act as sex gatekeepers to filter out jerks, countering hookup culture's pitfalls like mismatched emotional/physical intimacy. This disciplined approach kills divorce business by creating disciplined men and selective women who prioritize long-term bonding over casual flings.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Important things to do at the start of a relationship: talk extensively, including meta-commentary on the conversation itself, e.g., "this is so weird, isn't it? It's scary. Oh, isn't this interesting what we're doing right now?" Talk in a detached, narrative fashion. Discuss formative experiences. Play fun games around that.
Article about 30 questions that can make two people fall in love, progressively more intense: available at chriswex.com/valentine.
Card game called Tales. Steve from Diary of CEO has great questions. These supplemental tools make the game fun: "you're a mystery to me, I'm a mystery to you." Dating is progressively showing more of yourself. Hookup culture lost progressive revelation, teasing, earning rewards through effort.
"Courtship is the period during which a woman works out if she can do better." - Roy Baumeister
Sparks challenge and drive in men to win.
Men bond using vasopressin. Good boy points drive men to do obscene things, especially from a beautiful, charming woman: in bedroom, cleaning kitchen, picking up kids, dressing nicely, shaving.
Brazilian jiu-jitsu example: trained 20 years, doesn't like sweaty balls in face, but tapping a guy once after being tapped 15 times feels like progress. Coach with three stripes on belt giving "Yeah, good" is huge.
Built a law firm, represented wealthiest people: getting brown belt after 15 years, hours, injuries was proudest accomplishment.
Old school courtship: women loved it, men loved being held to a standard. Solves body count issue through gatekeeping and earning.
Progressively show more physically and emotionally together. If seen panties off but don't know number of siblings, things are out of order.
Roy Baumeister on Substack, series on sexual novelty: for men, titrate dose of sexual novelty over longest duration possible, good for men too, like not giving kids ice cream every night.
From his book 5 years ago:
"Men will do what women demand of them in order to get laid. Women set the standards for sex and men meet them... if women would stop sleeping with jerks, men would stop being jerks."
"If in order to obtain sex, men must become pillars of the community or lie or amass riches... or be romantic or funny, then men will do precisely that. Similarly, if men need to be broken, flaky, non-committal, and inconsistent, then they will meet these standards appropriately."
Modern romance culture and girl magazines related to emotionally unavailable men.
This approach bad for divorce lawyer's business.
People lie to therapists, surveys, studies, but not to divorce lawyers due to attorney-client privilege and need to know everything.
Sees credit card receipts, text messages in custody litigation or contested divorces.
Listened to thousands: men and women, abusers and abused, substance use disorder and spouses, every permutation. Argued every side.
No good and bad people; line of good and evil through heart of every man.
Men need a code: protector, provider, things he will and won't do.
Men from literature: samurai, Lon Koban in Last of the Mohicans.
Hunger in men for mission, expectations. Women as gatekeepers of sex: earn through characteristics showing discipline, focus, seriousness—not just money.
53-year-old man: women in video comments gaga over him, not looks, but looking serious, wearing suit.
Many 53-year-old men in hoodies. Suit is statement: "I'm put together. I take this seriously." Like job interview or funeral, not beach.
Wearing suit on date: "I take this seriously. I take the world seriously. I take my place in it seriously."
Every man wants good girl who's only bad for him; every woman wants bad boy who's only good for her. Suit and tattoo sleeves: Clark Kent/Superman.
Focus on mission, becoming best version, cleaning up, putting together.
Women: gatekeepers of sex, hold men to standards.
Red pill/manosphere criticism: yes, men accommodate to sexual gatekeeping. Otherwise, be disingenuous grifter.
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