Divorce Lawyer: The Worst Ways to Get Over a Breakup
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Worst way: immediately dive into another relationship without pause. Advocate for a breathing period. If getting under someone to get over someone, be candid about it—don't lead people on, don't mislead, don't lie to yourself. Most dangerous lies are the ones we tell ourselves. Jumping into another very serious relationship quickly is terrible.
Why? Still processing tremendous grief, trauma, and loss. Must move through stages of grief (Elizabeth Kübler-Ross's stages from On Death and Dying): bargaining, sadness, anger, to reach acceptance. Can't skip stages. A marriage or relationship has died, treat it like a death. Recovery from divorce doesn't start until divorce is legally finalized with the official paper. Moving out months ago or being in process doesn't count—that's when the timeline begins. Analogy: can't grieve death until the body is buried and funeral held; seeing it lowered into the ground starts the process.
Best ways include body practice (yoga, martial arts, etc.). Tremendous value in physical practice for sweating, overcoming adversity, maintaining physical health. Many clients drink excessively under stress—healthy outlets needed. Creates community, combats loneliness from bad relationship and post-breakup isolation.
Personal story: Trained Okinawan Goju karate, Muay Thai kickboxing from age 7 to 20s, then marathons, family focus. Post-divorce, returned to martial arts, took up Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Craig Jones called it 'cardio for divorce'—listening to Creed, drinking White Monster, doing octagons, struggle cuddles. Builds trust and physical intimacy among men: 6-minute rounds lead to arm-around-each-other friendship. Trust when tapping out (won't snap arm or crush carotid arteries). Microculture of trust with strangers.
Reconnect to self-aspects neglected in painful relationship, become beginner at something, return to enjoyed sport. Also spiritual practices like meditation or religion.
Connecting to another person during breakup navigation is ill-advised. Post-divorce with kids (5 and 7 years old): Joy when they were there (no pretending happiness), deafening silence when gone (loud boys suddenly absent).
Created routines: When kids left, did their laundry, washed sheets, made beds, organized drawers—staged readiness for return. Gave permission to then be himself, figure out who that man is (kids watching). Provided tremendous strength. Not male-exclusive—women can do same. If no kids, get a pet. Mother's advice: Need someplace to go, something to do, and something to love—missing any leads to unhappiness. Humans are social; divorce is deep disconnection (falls in love fast, falls out slowly then all at once).
Personal anecdote: Remembered deceleration of love like falling off roller coaster—slowly then suddenly; falling feels like flying until hitting ground.
With age, views past loves and pains (e.g., losing mom to cancer) as formative, full of emotional material. Learned much; loves full range of human emotion. Saying: Only unfulfilled love can be truly romantic. Ride spectrum of connection to disconnection.
In therapy for years: Sometimes life's on fire (marriage ending, mom dying); other times, spotting blind spots, improving. Switched therapists after 15 years (retired). Funny: Giving new therapist Wikipedia summary of life—epic tales now 3 sentences: Married college sweetheart, 10 years, two kids, relatively friendly divorce.
But during it: World ending—kids okay? Self okay? Ex okay? Friends splitting teams? Explaining to people? Now: 'Oh, it was just a thing.'
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