Extended interview: Rachel Goldberg-Polin on grief after the death of her son, Hersh
In a Nutshell
Rachel Goldberg-Polin recounts the abduction of her son Hersh from the Nova Music Festival on October 7, 2023, his 328 days of torture in Gaza tunnels with a severed arm, and his execution by Hamas alongside friends like Oree Danino, as detailed by released hostage Orr Levy. She describes 330 days of relentless advocacy—meeting world leaders, wearing daily hostage-count tape, and clinging to mantras like "hope is mandatory"—followed by profound grief upon learning of his death, realizing those days were the "good part" while he lived. Through raw pain, she finds purpose in voicing parental anguish, continued advocacy for remaining hostages, and transcendent love for Hersh, redefining grief as a "precious badge of love" that grows eternally, bolstered by his prophetic 2015 journal on enduring life's tunnels.
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Rachel Goldberg-Polin is an American-Israeli living in Jerusalem whose life changed on October 7th, 2023, when her only son Hersh was taken hostage by Hamas. Rachel and her husband Jon worked to bring Hersh and other hostages home, meeting world leaders. After 328 days in captivity, Hersh was executed by Hamas in a tunnel in Gaza.
What was Hersh like? Easy. The universe really knew what it was doing when it said, Rachel's gonna have one son. Yeah. So this is the one for her. I was really blessed.
Hersh was on the brink of budding, becoming, and blooming, on the cusp of adulthood. He wrote a note before Yom Kippur 2023: > I'm about to become my own adult. And thank you for being with me on this ride.
He had a drive for independence from a young age. On October 6th, Friday night before the attack, the family walked to synagogue together: Jon, Hersh, and Rachel's two daughters. They gave Hersh the traditional Friday night parental blessing, hands on his head, as done every Shabbat since his birth, even by phone when away.
They had a beautiful Shabbat meal with friends. Hersh regaled everyone with stories from his nine-week mini prep trip in Europe for his year-long world adventure starting December 27th, 2023. Around 11 o'clock, he kissed Rachel on the cheek, kissed Jon, hugged the hostess, said > I love you, I'll see you tomorrow, and left. That was 900+ days ago; she never saw him again. That marked the end of the "before."
They spent 330 days, 18-20 hours a day, desperately trying to save him and other hostages. Knowing her child was tortured, tormented, starved, abused, maimed was excruciating. When informed Hersh was executed, she realized those 330 days were the "good part" because he was alive. Now it's the rest of her life without a piece of her.
How do I walk through this place without a piece of me here? I'm trying to re-understand what it means to be in this world. There are millions of us right now who have buried children. This creates light for her to give words to the pain.
Hersh and best friend Aner Shapira were at the Nova Music Festival near Gaza border when Hamas attacked, slaughtering 378 people and wounding hundreds.
Sirens started; Rachel turned on her phone. At 8:11, two messages from Hersh: > I love you and I'm sorry. Everything before that moment was over.
Hersh sent texts from a bomb shelter (5-foot-by-8-foot) crammed with 29 people, including Hersh against the wall and Aner near entrance. Hamas threw hand grenades; Aner heroically picked them up and threw them out, instructing others: > If something happens to me, you keep doing this. Keep your eyes open.
Hamas sprayed machine gun fire and threw more grenades. There was screaming, blood, dying. Survivors hid under dead bodies covered in gore.
Hersh's hand was blown off by a grenade he picked up. Four young wounded men, unable to hide—Hersh, Aner, Orr Levy, Oree Danino—were taken on a pickup truck to Gaza.
On October 16th, 2023, on CNN, Jon said their son had his left arm blown off. Rachel realized she'd seen the video four days earlier at Nova site: gruesome footage from terrorist phone showing Hersh with bone sticking out of left forearm forced into pickup truck. She was sorry to tell them that way but thankful it confirmed he was taken alive, walking on his own feet.
Rachel repeated: > I love you, stay strong, survive.
It was a command to herself amid emotional, psychological, physical pain; she'd keel over on Jon asking > how much longer?
Morning prayer: > I'm grateful to you, creator of the universe, for returning my soul to me. You have tremendous faith in me.
When Hersh alive: > Hope is mandatory.
It propelled her into the day amid trauma where many hostage families couldn't function.
Pain like being hit by an 18-wheeler that crushes, flattens, breaks bones, then parks on top, paralyzing. Idea of child stolen, arm blown off, kept in dark tunnel starving and tortured is indigestible; advocacy stressed this unacceptability.
No one knew what to do; families ran like crazed maniacs speaking to anyone with power or influence. Leaders could act but didn't. Rachel hadn't been in those rooms before—presidents, ambassadors, secretaries. They let her down, but regular people let themselves down too. She feels she let Hersh down by not getting him home outside the body bag. They stressed urgency but couldn't convince the right people.
Wore tape with days since 250 hostages taken (started with Hersh and 250 others). Did 15-20 interviews daily due to English. Reporters asking > how long since you've seen your son? felt aggressive in her raw state. Made it her identity and held people accountable. Impressed leaders: > Oh wow, it's day 113. I saw you last on day 66.
Got confirmations Hersh alive at points.
Passover celebrates freedom from slavery; excruciating with hostages held. CIA called; contact from negotiation-involved country sent private video of Hersh after six months. Head shaved, looked terrible, speaking English to Jon, Libby, Orly, Rachel. Clearly suffering. Never shared.
36 hours later, Hamas released public propaganda video on day 201: Hersh screaming, moving arm, showing stump. Gave adrenaline to keep going.
Day 328, platform with loud system on Gaza border. Families shouted to loved ones. Rachel screamed: > Hersh! Hersh! It's Mama. It's day 328. We are all here. All the families of the remaining 107 hostages. We are working day and night, and we will never stop.
Gave blessing: > May God bless you and keep you. May God shine his face upon you.
Found out later they killed him that day. Wonders if he heard; believes other ways to hear parents.
Day 330, Saturday morning, dreamt of cemetery with planks, tiny olive tree growing through two, plaque with Hersh's name in Hebrew and English. Rumors online: six bodies in Rafah tunnel, Hersh one.
Prayed Psalms from 9:15 PM to 4 AM. Phone rang; military intelligence woman assigned October 7th said they're downstairs. Knew no good news at 4 AM. Called them > messengers of death. Came in; she was broken, no cry or scream after adrenaline.
Flashes: confused driving there; thousands in streets for six miles with signs of Hersh's name, pictures, or > Sorry. Daughters explained by reading signs.
Said: > Finally, finally, finally, you're free. Crowd rolled with pain.
Hersh wrapped in prayer shawl; saw face contour, screamed > I'm sorry.
Now in "after" world where he wakes up gone every day.
Parents said > you're never going to be okay, warning her. Now understands truth. Unsure if ever okay; <1.5 years since killed. Goal: carry weight but get stronger.
Day 496, met Orr Levy, released February 2025 with two others after 491 days. Orr (means light) spent three days with Hersh in tunnel. Shined light into their darkness.
Life changed forever October 7th, August 31st (Hersh killed), day 496.
Orr in bomb shelter, truck; just released, learned wife killed there, hadn't seen two-year-old son, family in 491 days. Still insisted meeting them: > These people need to hear about their child.
Orr, Hersh, Oree Danino in tiny tunnel closet 2.5 days (feels long doing nothing). Hersh recognized Orr from shelter: > You're the guy from the bomb shelter. You have a son.
Orr had begged captors: > Please, I have a son at home. Don't kill me.
Hersh bleeding to death first three days, untreated, unconscious day three. Oree screamed at captors to treat him: > He's going to die. He's worth more alive. He's American.
Day three, dressed Hersh in burqa as woman, took to Al-Shifa Hospital, amputated jagged bone.
Hersh quoted Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning (concentration camp survival): > When you have a why, you can bear any how. Said constantly to others.
Orr gestured to Rachel: Hersh's why was > You.
What's your why going to be? Because you can bear this. Even this. Even losing me.
Talking about pain part of human enterprise; thousands reached out wanting voice for suffering. Describing it gets her through.
After burial, continued for 101 remaining hostages; don't want others to suffer it. Could do it for Hersh by saving others.
Executed at close range in Rafah tunnel. Israeli army nearby; captors scared? Six bullet wounds: through right hand, left shoulder, neck out right side of head, base of head upward exiting top (hair with gunpowder). Fell forward.
Ori Danino inseparable, sat on Hersh's left to compensate for missing left hand; found next to him that way.
Hersh knew parents' efforts: told Orr > My mother spoke to the secretary of state in the U.S. Heard Rachel on news. Comforting he heard her voice, knew nobodies tried hard.
People want hope. Resilience. Recovery. Strength. Survival. Healing. They want thriving and rising from the ashes. Like the phoenix. But the pain is chronic. Ever present. Constant. Gnawing. Circular. Not linear.
Understanding of grief changed: dreaded it, now > Grief is actually just this precious badge of love that you wear. Because someone has died. And your love is continuing to grow. Not everybody gets that.
Shocked: > You can love someone who you've never even met.
Grief can come for someone you've never met, and love keeps growing. Love for her keeps growing like bamboo, thriving and changing. The idea that knowing someone better after their death is impressive. Realizing now knowing dad better than before because as a dad, seeing what he saw through his eyes when looking at me, now when looking at children. Read letters dad wrote about things happening with Hersh.
Did you know that was possible? A friend of Hersh's, who's gay, same age 25, told parents recently he never told anyone growing up he was gay. Father asked why tell Hersh at 14, and he said because knew Hersh wouldn't care and wouldn't tell anyone. New way of meeting Hersh.
At funeral, looking into grave Hersh put in, felt part of self in there. Still feel that; it doesn't come out. Not fully here right now. Where? In the world to come with Hersh. Part already in world to come. Burying child felt like burying part of self. Can hold many truths; humans juggle. Experiencing outrageously painful confusion and loss, also filled with pride, blessed with two gorgeous, vivacious, dynamic daughters, unbelievable partner John—couldn't walk through without him, people who love and care.
Book about four things: love and pain, pain and love. Life boils down to love and pain, around it goes. Part of what we sign up for on arrival, though no say in arriving.
I need Hersh in my life like I need water. Even if he's dead. Obliged to find him here in new and transcendent ways.
Found him in new ways, always trying hard. Living in desert without water rest of life; need crafty, innovative ways to make it through. Lots of talking during day to Hersh, and talking back as Hersh.
In panic moment, feeling overwhelmed 'are you here?', say 'Hersh', then 'mama', 'are you here?', 'I'm always here mama'. Hersh used to say 'favorite child' walking by for chuckle. On rough day, say 'favorite child'. Felt close last week reading book out loud—horrific but felt him right there.
Come to me in my dreams, come haunt me.
Not afraid of Hersh. Hasn't come yet; tonight another night.
Hope to teach myself how to miss someone forever and love someone forever in a way that doesn't run me over each day anew.
Hope closer; takes time, not easy. When John's dad died, he said death is really final, first time experiencing really final. Confusing having someone stuck at 23 forever. Used to think 23 old; now girls nearing 23 seem young. Hersh's friends 25-26 seem weird; one day old, bald, heavy, grandchildren—Hersh still 23. Forever missing who he was last time saw him. John pictures him at all life stages; pictures him at 23.
When body of last hostage returned January, 843 days since October 7 attack, took down pieces of tape worn and stuck on apartment wall. Really hard. Put up hoping to get all back; worked harder than ever, talking to all types, scary places. Everybody home, but not how wanted—alive. So many innocent lives lost both sides; price tremendous, extremely painful. Peeling tape off, paint came off bedroom—like tearing skin off house. Huge ball of over 3,000 pieces (girls and us over 800 days). For days/weeks after, still go to put tape on, then remember don't need.
Pain on both sides of border. What now? Want to believe desire to live; figure out living near each other. Don't need best friends, unicorns, rainbows—or all die together.
Faith not tested. Second they told Hersh dead—moment learned was dead/killed—closest ever felt to God. Obvious, not punishment, nothing wrong done. Directly from God; knowing, more than faith/belief. Know Hersh not supposed to be here now because not here; this where supposed to be. Mother figuring how to be here without part of self. Tunnel where Hersh was supposed to be; don't know why. Why not die next to best friend, or day 502/431/698? Why those five: Oree, Alex, Elmogue, Eden, Carmel? Knowing not always know why. Hubris thinks we'll figure out; first step to wisdom is knowing probably never figure most out, older get less should know.
Questioned why on brother's death; early travels to war zones, talking people, figuring live in world without why, comfortable some things no answers.
Kept Hersh's room as left it. Ball of tape extraordinary, symbols of failure—what fighting for did happen, all home not alive. Did more than anybody could; sometimes 100% not enough. Come in room still, not super regularly; don't need room to find Hersh, feel everywhere all time. Always keep like this? Don't know what to do. Packing up into exercise/TV/guest room how help? Sad room of young person about to embark on life. Friends ask to come in: can't believe standing here. Would have loved him.
Found something Hersh wrote 2015 journal thrown out—journal entries by series people in Hebrew, page and half, October 26, 2015, started ninth grade. Orly reading, face white: 'it's prophecy'.
Life is like the world: in order to exist you have to move and work hard. Every so often arrive at tunnel, enter unknown, don't know when get out. Walk in dark: beginning upset, not ready, feel at edge but not exit/end, just change. Improvement but for now none. One in tunnel knows end, not final tunnel. To every person tunnel belongs; some small, some long, but end certain. Time to end depends: despair longer, all might quicker. My tunnel when new one, but passed through like everything. Who knows more tunnels, but unlike previous enter with all might, hope easier. Whatever comes won't stop, only slow; not afraid slow or U-turn. Sure walking to end of tunnel.
Shook us; in Hebrew/English don't wax nostalgia about tunnels. Daughter called prophecy; 'tunnel' 12 times. Nine years before trapped in tunnels, moved tunnel to tunnel, killed in tunnel.
Believe will see him again; don't know what look like, like to think grand.
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