If You're in Your 20s, Watch This BEFORE It's Too Late

Seven Lessons Learned Too Late00:00

We're taught so many things early in our life that we never use again. The percentage of school subjects practically used today is quite low. The skills about to be shared, if learned early, would have benefited us forever. These seven lessons would have changed the quality of relationships, performance at work, and how quickly purpose was found. This episode is for those struggling with making an impact, with their mind, with anxiety or stress.

The Less You Say, the More Your Words Matter01:00

The first lesson is the less you say, the more your words will matter. The loudest person in a room was thought to have the most power, and the person who talked the most had the most control. The person who spoke the most was actually the least in control, trying to come across as likable and popular, making it harder to be memorable.

This principle will stop anxiety in social settings. Walking into a social setting and trying to come off as interesting and important often results in leaving feeling insignificant and irrelevant. Being silent is not a weakness but a strength because you can listen. When responding, people will be able to tell that what they said was taken in. Most people struggle not because they don't listen, but because they're thinking about what they want to say while listening, so they don't digest what someone is sharing. When opening their mouth, the other person feels disconnected and distant.

This removes anxiety and nervousness at parties, social settings, and work events. The second benefit is the opportunity to be interested, which is more important than being interesting. People love to share and answer great questions. When good at asking good questions, people feel good and appreciate it. Most people ask questions like "how was your day?" that have been asked for years, resulting in rehearsed answers like "good, fine, okay." Talking about the weather is also boring because that person has been asked about the weather for years.

Asking what's exciting for someone can feel challenging. The advice given is to share thoughts on something first before asking. For example, say "I've been watching this really cool TV show. What's your thoughts on it? Have you seen it?" If they haven't seen it and say "Tell me about it," you've actually been asked to share. Unsolicited advice and unsolicited conversation is potentially the hardest to hold someone's attention with. When someone asks a question and you respond, that keeps their attention. When talking without letting someone else get involved, attention is actually lost.

The less you say, the more your words will matter. The less you complain, the more people will listen. The less you react, the more control you hold. The less you argue, the more dignity you keep. Speak less and mean more. Walking into a room and starting to complain about the day, journey, travel, or weekend puts everyone into a negative space and negative environment. They connect and associate you with negative emotions. Even if they say "I agree. I'm sorry you went through that," a contagious space for negativity has been created. Save complaining for a friend to vent to, or someone who shares the same.

When walking into the workplace or a family event, share something amazing that happened or something grateful for. Ask someone else what was the most memorable part of their week or something beautiful that happened to them. This kicks off a chain reaction of positive events. In today's world of endless chatter, it's easy to believe more words mean more connection, but studies show the opposite. According to a 2014 Harvard study, people remember only 17 to 25% of what they hear in conversations. Flooding someone with words makes meaning get lost like a drop in an ocean. Wise communicators know brevity creates impact.

A student went up to his teacher and asked "What is the secret of wisdom?" The teacher replied "Listen." The student asked again, and the teacher replied "Listen." Frustrated, the student demanded more explanation, to which the teacher replied "If you listened, you wouldn't need more words." This story shows that rather than thinking about what to say, if we simply listened, paused, and responded, we'd have something meaningful to say. The reason for not having something meaningful to say is because listening hasn't happened. We don't listen because we're scared of the gap between listening and responding. If listening and taking that time happens, what is said will have more value, more impact, and is more likely to be remembered.

The practical habit is: Before the next conversation, ask what is the essential message wanted to be remembered. Say it clearly in one or two sentences. When walking into a conversation, make clear what is wanted to be communicated, the essence of what is actually wanted to be shared, and what is wanted to be embodied. Let silence add weight to words.

Let Go or Be Dragged08:45

The second lesson is let go or be dragged. When you don't let go of something, it doesn't stop or pause. If you don't let go of a person, they don't stop changing, living, or doing whatever they're doing. Sometimes the only way to strengthen your own relationship with yourself is to disconnect and let go of someone else. Thinking about times when so attracted to someone that pursuit kept happening, the result was not letting go and feeling dragged along. When dating someone who gave all the signs and red flags were seen that this person wasn't right, but not letting go happened, so dragging occurred. When a friend kept manipulating, taking advantage, and taking for granted, and not letting go happened, tracking occurred. It's much better to voluntarily early on let go rather than get dragged throughout life along with this person wherever they're going.

Let go or be dragged. Let go or be left behind. Let go or be broken by what you're clinging to. Let go or be crushed under the weight of what's gone. Clutching what hurts you doesn't save you, it sinks you. Clinging to what's over doesn't preserve it, it poisons you. Holding on too long turns love into resentment, hope into suffering, memories into anchors. What you won't release will eventually release you, maybe even brutally. What you won't walk away from will drag you until you can't walk at all. You don't lose by letting go. You lose by refusing to let go.

Attachment often feels like love, but unchecked attachment is more like a chain. Neuroscience shows that our brains literally rewire around emotional pain. Holding on to resentment, disappointment, or hope for change can activate the same brain regions as physical pain.

There's a Zen story about two monks walking on a beach who come across a woman drowning in the ocean. One monk jumps into the ocean, swims out, picks her up, and brings her back to shore. They make sure she's okay and walk on forward. A few hours later, the other monk asks how he could carry a woman since monks aren't supposed to touch women. The monk who jumped in replied "I carried her to safety. I set her down a few hours ago. Why are you still carrying her?" This story illustrates that the longer you carry something, the more it weighs you down, the more it affects you. Many look at letting go like failure or making a mistake or ruining something. Actually, letting go can be the best path forward.

The practical step is to write down one grudge, one disappointment, or fantasy you're clinging to. Then ask what would happen if set down today. Imagine walking lighter for just one hour and act from that place. Do the thought experiment. If letting it down, if starting to apply for new jobs today rather than complaining about the current one, if starting to find new connections and friends instead of comparing life to old ones, if starting to allow letting go of expectations of others, who would you be? The answer is far better than imagined. If scared to do it in practice, practice it first in your mind.

Talk About Your Relationship With the Person You're in a Relationship With14:15

The third lesson is talk about your relationship with the person you're in a relationship with more than you talk to others. It's about the proportion. 80% of our life should be talking to that person and 20% is talking to others to get wise counsel, advice, and insights. It's a really healthy thing. The problem is proportions are the opposite. We may spend 20% speaking to the person we have a relationship with, and that 20% might be filled with arguments, conflict, tension, and then we go and talk about it with someone else who doesn't have the power to solve it.

This will change your life. If starting to spend more time talking with the person rather than talking at them, if spending more time talking with your partner than talking about your partner, the relationship will change. If spending more time investing in connecting with your partner than connecting with other people talking about your partner, the relationship will change. Talk about your relationship with the person you're in a relationship with, not other people. Talk about your problems with the person you have the problem with, not just other people. Talk about your needs with your partner, not your friends. Talk to them, not about them.

Venting can feel good in the short term. Brain imaging shows that expressing anger activates the brain's reward system. But chronically venting to friends instead of addressing issues directly creates emotional triangulation, a pattern that often worsens problems instead of solving them. There's a Zen story about a man who went to many neighbors to complain about his leaky roof. Each gave advice. Meanwhile, the leak worsened. Finally, one wise neighbor said "Talk to your roof." In other words, take action where it matters. It's great to get advice and important to have a support system, but don't forget the number one system is solving it with the person.

The practical habit is: If something bothers you about your relationship today, resist the urge to text some random person. Instead, set a time to talk to your partner. Share something you appreciate about them. Share where you want the relationship to go and then share with kindness, concern, and directness how you want things to change and most importantly, what you're willing to change that will change your relationship.

You Understand Who Someone Is When They're Stressed17:45

Lesson four is you understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best. How many times have you met someone and you meet them at their best day? You don't really know who someone is until you've seen them on a bad day, in a bad mood, or when someone's done something bad to them. It's in those moments that you realize who someone truly is, 360°. Rather than making snap judgments when meeting someone in a great mood at a great time, give yourself time to get to know them and see them in different scenarios.

It's not just about good and bad. It's about seeing who someone is when they're with their family, with their friends, with strangers. It's about how someone treats the waiter, the doorman, the person they meet on the street. When you've seen someone in all these scenarios, you will have a healthier, deeper, more wholesome understanding of who they truly are. Don't meet someone in one environment and give it this amplified view that you assume that they're that person in every environment. Don't meet someone in one phase or stage of their life and assume they're going to be that in every other stage.

The mind likes to make it easier. We like to think "Oh, I know this person. I understand them." The truth is you understand who someone is when they're stressed, not just when they're at their best. You truly understand who someone is when they're overwhelmed, when things don't go their way, when they hear no, when they lose control, not when they have it. Anyone can be kind when they're comfortable. Anyone can be patient when they're winning. Anyone can be loving when everything is easy. But real character shows up when patience runs thin. Real loyalty shows up when you're not popular. Real respect shows up when there's nothing to gain. Watch who blames. Watch who lashes out. Watch who punishes. And watch who stays gentle. Pressure doesn't create cracks. It exposes where they already were. Pay attention to who someone becomes when the easy parts fall away. That's who they are as well. That's who you're dealing with. That's the truth you can't ignore. Character isn't revealed when life is easy. It's tested and exposed under pressure.

Research from the University of Oregon found that people's true traits emerge under stress much more consistently than in calm conditions. Anyone can be kind when things are going well for them. One favorite example from Wayne Dyer is: "When you squeeze an orange, what do you get? You get orange juice. You don't get pineapple juice. You don't get coconut water. You get orange juice. Because when something is squeezed, you get what's within it. You get what's inside." Some cracks reveal beauty. Others reveal weakness.

The goal isn't to walk away from someone because they struggle with stress or abandon someone who struggles with challenges or feels overwhelmed. The point is you just don't really know someone yet. The challenge and habit is to notice how someone reacts to a small inconvenience like a traffic jam, a late order, a mistake. Are they gentle or harsh with themselves or with you? Are they patient or punishing? With themselves and with you? Take note without judgment, but get clarity as to what you're getting involved in.

You Don't Get What You Deserve, You Get What You Accept22:15

Lesson five is you don't get what you deserve, you get what you accept. We hear this all the time. People think they deserve more money, more love, more respect. Walking around internally feeling we're not getting what we deserve. You're right. You're not getting what you deserve. You're getting what you accept. No one's going to notice when you work harder at work if you don't make it clear. No one's going to notice when you're putting effort into a relationship unless you make it clear. No one's going to know or remember the sacrifices you've made until you stand up for yourself. Remember, you don't get what you deserve. You get what you accept. You don't get what you deserve, you get what you protect. Deserve is a feeling. Acceptance is a standard. Boundaries are protection.

You can work hard and still be overlooked. You can love deeply and still be mistreated. You can give everything and still be taken for granted. You don't rise by hoping. You rise by refusing to shrink. A 2021 study by the American Psychological Association found that individuals who consistently tolerated small boundary violations were 62% more likely to end up in emotionally exhausting relationships. When accepting people breaking our boundaries, people not respecting our worth, taking in whatever it is, you're not going to get what you deserve at work, at home, wherever.

One favorite story is about a farmer who accepts that a storm will come. He doesn't pray it away or deny it. He just builds stronger walls. In a similar way, accepting less than you need teaches others you will bend until you break. The habit is to think of one boundary you've been hesitant to enforce. It could be late replies, canceled plans, jokes at your expense. Today, calmly but clearly state your boundary once first to yourself and then when you're comfortable with someone else. Maybe you keep allowing people to cancel plans last minute. Maybe you keep allowing people to get away with saying things about you.

The reason we fail at this is we usually attack people. We don't set a boundary. We attack people. We say "Why do you treat me like this? Don't do that." That's not a boundary. A boundary is something you keep as a promise to yourself. If someone does this again, I will not invite them again. If someone talks to me that way again, I will not respond to them. A boundary doesn't mean someone else acts differently. A boundary means you act differently when that person acts the same.

Some People Love the Old Version of You Because They Could Control Them26:00

Lesson six is some people love the old version of you because they could control them. They don't miss you, they miss the version of you who stayed small. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you who didn't set boundaries. They don't miss you. They miss the version of you who needed their approval. When you outgrow the old version of yourself, you outgrow the people who needed you to stay there. When you heal, you disrupt the systems that benefited from your wounds. When you rise, you reveal who was rooting for your survival, not your success. Don't shrink to fit into old spaces. Don't bend to make old relationships easier. Don't apologize for becoming someone new. If they can only love the unhealed, unsure, controlled version of you, they don't love you. They love your compliance.

This is probably the hardest one to learn because we feel bad. We wish we could still be that person, but we know we're not. We're more organized, more focused, have more commitments, more priorities. That person wants us to be available around, just be there all the time. Science backs this up. Growth threatens those who benefited from your smallness. A 2022 survey showed 58% of people admit they felt uncomfortable when a close friend or partner leveled up in their life. It's not always malice. It's not like they want you to fail. It's not negative. It's fear. We're scared because it reminds us of our lack of growth. You don't have to shrink back into that version to compensate. What's more likely is if you keep growing, they may one day, too. Not if you're trying to convince them, not if you're trying to make them grow, just by watching you fly, they may one day choose to fly as well.

The habit is to write down one way you've changed for the better in the last 12 months. Celebrate it privately or share it proudly without apologizing.

I'm Just Bad at Texting Is Code for You're Not a Priority28:45

Lesson seven is I'm just bad at texting is code for you're not a priority. There was always wanting to convince people even if they didn't message back, even if they didn't respond. There was always wanting to stay connected only to realize they didn't really want to connect. While trying to do that, missing out on the group of people who really did. Ignoring a group of people who wanted to connect, believed in, support for a group of people who showed no signs of it. There is more love in your life than you even recognize because you're looking in the wrong direction. There are more people who want to be friends with you than you realize because you're trying to be friends with someone else. There are so many people who would want to spend time with you, but you're missing out on them because you're trying to chase someone else.

Read the signs. You don't need to become a conspiracy theorist. Most of the time, it's not malice. It's not negative. People just have different priorities. Don't make it to be like some conspiracy theory that you got left out, you got let go, you didn't get invited. You just don't click. It just doesn't work. And it's not a big deal. There are people out there who want to click with you, connect with you, invite you. Remember this. Read in between the lines.

I'm just bad at texting is code for you're not a priority. I'm confused about what I want is code for I'm sure I don't want you enough. I'm bad at communicating is code for I'm not willing to put in the effort with you. I don't know what I'm looking for is code for I'm keeping my options open. I'm just focusing on myself right now is code for I don't see a future with you. I'm not ready for anything serious is code for I'm ready just not with you. People make time for what they care about. People make effort for who they value. People show up for who they want. Excuses are translations. Listen to what they're really saying and protect your energy. Believe the patterns, not the promises. Actions are the only real language you can trust. Consistent communication is a choice, not a personality trait.

Research from the Pew Research Center shows that 89% of people aged 18 to 49 check their phones multiple times an hour. If someone wanted to reach out, they could. The habit is: If you're chasing someone's attention, pause. Notice who freely reaches out to you today without prompting and give your energy back in that direction.

I'm not saying anyone who treats you this way is bad, negative, or a horrible person. It's just important to get really clear and not have the conspiracy arch over our mindsets.