The Parenting Habits You MUST Stop Before Age 14 (According to Science) | Dr. Daniel Amen
In a Nutshell
Parents must prioritize presence and attachment while teaching children agency through natural consequences rather than solving their problems. The critical window is before age 14, when parental influence gives way to peers, making daily 20-minute "special time" and allowing age-appropriate mistakes essential for developing mental strength. Core practices include active listening instead of fixing, focusing on effort rather than intelligence, and maintaining boundaries with love—avoiding the entitlement created by over-parenting.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
The goal starts with the parents determining what kind of dad or mom they want to be and what kind of children they want to raise. In raising mentally strong kids, the first principle is that parents need to be mentally strong themselves. They have to model the message. At Amen Clinics, the first core value is authenticity.
The first principle of mental strength is clarity. Dr. Amen's mother was present, fun, playful, and strict with seven children. In a Lebanese family, the oldest son is golden and the second son is irrelevant. Dr. Amen's father was absent, which caused bitterness in his life. When determining what kind of parent he wanted to be, he decided he wanted to be present because attachment is so important to prevent mental illness or mental health problems according to the latest neuroscience on childbearing.
The second principle is bonding and connection. Many parents solve all of their child's problems, which creates entitlement and disaster. A key question for parents is how many times out of 10 when they ask their child to do something will the child do it the first time without arguing or fighting. The average for healthy kids is seven. For kids Dr. Amen sees clinically, it's zero or less than three.
When a child doesn't do what parents ask and parents ignore it or repeat the request, they are teaching the child to behave that way. The brain is lazy. This is not will-driven behavior but brain-driven behavior.
The concern that obedience makes children obedient but not free thinkers is addressed by not solving children's problems. The heart of Love and Logic parenting is allowing kids to make mistakes and pay consequences so they learn agency. Dr. Amen has six children, three adopted. Chloe, now 20, was argumentative and oppositional when Tana and Dr. Amen met. Chloe was two at the time.
Tana read "Parenting with Love and Logic" and took everything from the Love and Logic Institute. She told Chloe she would never again ask her to do homework, stating she had done second grade and this was on Chloe. The consequences would be Mrs. M being mad, missing recess, or making new friends when repeating second grade. Chloe got upset and said she never said she wasn't going to do her homework, she just wasn't going to do it now. Twenty minutes later she came back and did her homework. No one ever asked her to do homework again.
Chloe is graduating with a business degree from Chapman University. She is bright, independent, has agency, is a hard worker, and a free thinker because she couldn't push against her mother to solve her problems. If Chloe forgot her homework, no one would bring it to school. If she forgot her sweater when cold, nobody would bring it. If she forgot her lunch, nobody would bring it. This teaches the most important skill of mentally strong people: being responsible for their own life and paying consequences.
This approach should begin at ages four, five, or six, with earlier being better. Parents put up bumper guards like in bowling to protect children, but must allow them to make mistakes when consequences are affordable. When Dr. Amen was a young parent, he got self-esteem from solving his children's problems, but realized he was robbing them of their self-esteem.
A Harvard study followed 454 inner city Boston school kids for 70 years. The only thing that correlated with self-esteem was whether or not the child worked as a child, had responsibility at home, had a paper route, or had an outside job. Work is good, but for affluent people who have help at home and everything done for the child, they are setting the child up for struggles because they won't develop a sense of agency.
Parents must have the big picture and long game in mind. The goal is to raise independent, competent, strong children. Doing too much robs them of self-esteem, responsibility, and agency. Parents should ask children what their goals are for the year rather than telling them their goals.
When Dr. Amen turned 18 and could vote, his father told him if he voted for Senator McGovern the country would go to hell. This was 1972 with Nixon running against McGovern. Because Dr. Amen didn't have a relationship with his father, he voted for McGovern. The country went to hell due to Nixon and Watergate, not McGovern. The lack of relationship reduced his father's influence.
The first principle is goal setting. The second is bonding and attachment. To have influence with children and have them consider parental values, parents must be connected with them.
Connection requires actual physical time without phones. Special time is 20 minutes a day doing something the child wants to do that is reasonable. During this time there are no commands, no questions, no directions. It's just time to be together and money in the relational bank.
Dr. Amen's literary agent Carl had a daughter Laura who didn't want anything to do with him at age two. Dr. Amen told Carl he was ignoring her and instructed him to do special time. Three weeks later, Carl reported that Laura wouldn't leave him alone and wanted to be with him constantly as soon as he walked in the door.
Parents love their children so much they want to pour all their knowledge and wisdom into their heads, but they should listen instead. Therapists use active listening where they repeat back what they hear and listen for feelings behind words. If a son says he wants blue hair, instead of immediately saying no, parents should repeat back what they hear and be quiet long enough for the child to explain what's really going on.
If a child says all kids are wearing their hair blue, parents should respond with active listening rather than saying they don't care what anyone else is doing. This leads to the child revealing they sometimes feel like they don't fit in. The mother's response of immediately reassuring the child they're good-looking and nice isn't helpful. Instead, acknowledging the feeling allows the child to solve their own problem.
At the end of a conversation, if the child still wants blue hair, parents can say no because it's not cool to look weird and they will hang out with weird people. If the relationship is just giving commands, directions, and questions, children shut down.
Dr. Amen plays games with children including cards, Chutes and Ladders, Monopoly, and the storytelling game where they alternate sentences. This allows children to open up about their dreams, home life, and other concerns because they know they will be listened to.
Society is talking over each other. Parents are anxious and want to solve things, so they talk too much. Using fewer words and being more present is valuable.
Mentally strong kids don't believe everything they think. Dr. Amen wrote "Captain Snout and the Superpower Questions" to teach kids to question their automatic thoughts. Vulnerable children have stinking thinking including mind reading, fortune telling, and focusing on what's wrong rather than what's right. Strong children have these thoughts but question them.
Blame is the worst automatic negative thought because when people blame others for their life, they become victims and powerless. The essence of the book and Love and Logic is asking what can be done today to solve the problem.
Special time is not two hours but 20 minutes a day, which is doable when playing the long game. Parents often overschedule children with soccer, dance, and music, but need time to spend with each other. Schools want children to do their own homework, and if they don't, they should pay the consequences.
Parents engage in fortune telling about preschool, school, Harvard, and life being terrible if homework isn't done. Dr. Amen went to a community college and is in the Hall of Fame at Orange Coast College. Mark Cuban said most people should go to community college because it's low cost and provides the same education.
Prestige is a French word meaning deceit. Dr. Amen's life is awesome because he works hard. Parents should never tell a child they are smart because if they can't learn something, their self-esteem drops. Instead, say they like how hard the child is working, which encourages harder work when facing challenges.
Mentally strong people ask questions. Dr. Amen never asked questions in elementary school until he joined the army between high school and college and learned to ask questions. If someone says no, ask somebody else because they're more likely to say yes.
Statements like "It'll be okay" or "I'll take care of it for you" steal children's self-esteem and agency. If children have problems with another child at school, parents should ask how they think they can handle it rather than immediately going to the principal's office. For day-to-day stuff, ask children how they can solve the problem rather than telling them what to do.
Of course, if it's dangerous, bullying, or abuse, parents must step in and take care of it. The statement "I'm rooting for you" is powerful rather than criticizing decisions.
Parents have subconscious ego attachment to their child's success as a reflection of their own self-esteem. They may be living their dreams through their children. This is often toxic if someone is living an unrealized life and pours it into their child, making kids miserable and constraining them without giving them agency.
Dr. Amen loves his six children but never wants to live with them. He wants to create competent people who can care for themselves. If children are dependent on someone else, they are miserable. Entitled people are never happy.
A hallmark of mental strength is not doing things for people who do not treat you with respect. This doesn't mean not feeding children, but not taking them to the store or doing nice things for them when they misbehave.
Loving discipline involves both love and discipline. Family should have rules like tell the truth and do what mom and dad say the first time. The chance of abusing a child increases significantly if parents have to tell a child five times to do something. Parents should give children choices with clear consequences.
Rules can be seen as strict guidelines or as a rhythm and routine that builds confidence and skill. When children participate in family routines, they become part of the family rather than feeling entitled to live in that family. The earlier these rhythms begin, the better for the child's development.
If parents have not spent time with their children by age 14, the child's friends become more important than the parents. When friends take the parent's place, they may not provide the right guidance or advice, making the child more vulnerable to the dangers of social media.
Parents shape their children, partners, and employees by what they pay attention to. Noticing what you like more than what you don't like solidifies effective parenting. The focus should be on positive attention rather than criticism.
Mindfulness and meditation can look different for children than traditional approaches. Forcing children to sit still with eyes closed is not necessary. Instead, mindfulness can be practiced as an active, living experience during daily activities.
- When outside, find as many red things as possible and return with a list
- Find leaves or stones that look like stars
- Practice mindfulness while living and breathing it during everyday activities rather than in a forced, structured way
Children do not sit still well, but this does not necessarily indicate ADHD. It may mean their nervous system is not fully myelinated. When born, babies have little myelin in their brain. As development occurs, neurons become wrapped with a white fatty substance called myelin. A myelinated neuron works 10 to 100 times faster than an unmyelinated one.
- At 2 months old, the occipital lobes (vision) become myelinated, allowing babies to smile back when smiled at
- Myelination progresses from the back of the brain to the front
- The process completes around age 25
Expecting a child to act like an adult is inappropriate. However, self-soothing techniques can be taught starting at age four. A simple technique is to take a big breath as slowly as possible and breathe it out as slowly as possible when feeling anxious.
The goal is helping children develop tools they will need long term. Parents must first know these tools themselves and practice them personally. Without this foundation, parents tend to rush to solve their children's problems and compensate for their losses, preventing children from developing independence and resilience.
Love is often misunderstood and can manifest as overcompensating, oversolving, overfixing, overdoing, and overwhelming children while forcing them to be overachievers. Even when parents love their children, these behaviors can cause pain.
- Love is NOT bringing homework to school when a child forgets it; instead, love allows children to become mentally strong through natural consequences
- Love is putting away your phone and spending focused time with children
- Love is setting boundaries when children say things like "All my friends have a phone" or express fears about school shootings
- Love is recognizing that children are manipulative and maintaining boundaries despite emotional pressure
- Love involves setting boundaries in a kind, consistent way
- Love requires developing tools to be both firm and kind simultaneously
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