Vanessa Van Edwards: The Weird Trick That Makes People Like You
In a Nutshell
Master conversationalists use a three-level blueprint—Level 1 (hunt for stories with questions like "What's your personal passion project?" or "Any fun plans coming up?"), Level 2 (dream building about goals and worries), and Level 3 (self-narratives)—instead of dead-end fact questions like "How are you?" or "What do you do." The most effective people create information gaps, speak in 15-45 second turns, and focus on being interested rather than interesting to trigger dopamine and connection. Charisma comes from signaling warmth first, then competence, while avoiding conversational narcissism through assertive curiosity about others.
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Non-verbal cues indicate someone is checking out if they are opening their mouth as if to say something. This is called the open fish, a subtle cue that you talk too much. A recent study found that 95% of people have worked with someone who talks too much. There is a do you talk too much test with five questions, and if you answer more than three times, you're probably an overtalker.
The last 20 years have been spent studying master conversationalists. Conversation is the vehicle to get what you want. As a recovering awkward person, bad conversation was a struggle for a long time. The next generations will be talking to technology more than they talk to humans. Because we're having less conversations, one in six people worldwide are affected by loneliness. Voice notes are being sent more frequently, but a voice note is the most selfish form of conversation. In this age of technological change, the people who are masterful at conversation are going to have an advantage.
There is a blueprint to good conversation, and once you know the blueprint, it becomes easier. Three different speed networking experiments were devised with 500 speed networkers. The best conversation starter was actually what was the highlight of your day? The moment how are you and what do you do are asked, people run out of things to talk about. The worst question in the history of conversations is but there is also a formula to immediately bypass that small talk. There is a secret door to charisma, and there are five archetypes that will impact getting a promotion and finding your soulmate.
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