Do THIS Instead & He Won’t Be Able to Resist You | Body Language Expert Vanessa Van Edwards
In a Nutshell
To attract someone, you must dramatically over-signal availability through 29+ flirtatious cues in 10 minutes—flirty glances, self-touch, and a simple "hey" with downward inflection—because people severely underestimate how obvious their interest appears. Authenticity beats performance: find the lowest resonance in your natural voice, break social scripts with playful guessing games and specific "me too" questions like "Working on anything exciting?", and express genuine liking rather than generic compliments. Test compatibility through the "car challenge"—an hour-plus activity in varied environments—while watching for incongruence between words and body language that reveals inauthenticity.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
When trying to signal interest to someone in social settings like workout classes, rooftop bars, or clubs, people tend to think their cues are obvious when they are not. Research on singles in bar and nightclub settings found that women and men who believe they are being obvious with flirtation cues are often not perceived that way by others. A study counted flirtatious signals and found that it took 29 signals in 10 minutes for a woman to successfully show a man she was interested and get approached.
Attractive women who do not signal enough availability get approached less than less attractive women who signal availability. The most attractive women rated on attractiveness got approached less than unattractive women who signaled availability. Availability actually makes people more attractive. Body language signals of availability are more important than hair, outfit, appearance, or smell.
Flirty glances involve sweeping the room with eyes, then making brief eye contact when seeing someone attractive, followed by looking away and looking back up. A side glance or down and up look works well because looking up through lashes creates an appealing effect similar to Marilyn Monroe photos. It also involves little smiles. Self-touch counts as a flirty signal, including playing with hair or dress to signal health, or touching neck, lips, or chin to release pheromones.
Women who wore white t-shirts with no deodorant for 24 hours had their shirts smelled by other women who rated how much they liked the smell. When the women later interacted in person without knowing identities, the smell they liked best predicted who they liked best in person. Self-touching during flirting releases natural scent to signal compatibility.
A simple "hey" said while walking by someone is an effective way to show availability. This works for both men and women. The tone matters - using a downward inflection works well. If someone has AirPods in, they will still see the greeting and may respond if interested. Research shows people decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak.
We listen for relaxation and breath in vocal cords. The biggest mistake is showing boredom or anxiety in voice. When nervous, people tend to go higher in vocal tone and use more vocal fry. People match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. The goal is to speak from the lowest end of natural range by taking deep breaths and speaking on the out-breath.
Practice finding the lowest end of your natural vocal range by relaxing vocal cords, shoulders, jaw, and mouth, then speaking on the out-breath. This creates a maximum resonance point that sounds confident and relaxed. People will treat you differently based on vocal tone, with lower tones signaling confidence and earning more respect.
The approach is not about faking it until making it, but about finding the most confident version of yourself. This involves speaking with the part of your voice that is open, full of power, volume, and space. This translates to more open facial expressions, relaxed jaw, and relaxed shoulders.
After saying "hey," use context cues as conversation starters based on shared environment - asking how someone knows the host at a party, how they like the food or wine, or commenting on the difficulty of a class. This creates "me too" moments that build connection through the similarity attraction effect, where people like others who share similar values and motivations.
Each "me too" moment creates a thread between people. The more threads exchanged back and forth, the more connected people become. Questions should be geared toward finding similarities rather than using socially scripted dead-end conversation starters like "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?"
Research examining thousands of kids across high schools found that the only commonality among the most popular kids was that they had the longest list of people they liked. The most liked kids were constantly thinking about what they liked about others rather than trying to be impressive, funny, or cool.
To create bonds in dating and friendship, search for authentic reasons to like people and express it directly. Best friendships often start when people do not play it cool but instead say "I like you" or "Will you be my friend?" This approach makes intentions clear and allows people to know where they stand.
Compliments make people feel uncomfortable and create an odd hierarchy. When complimenting someone, it should be about something shared rather than putting the person in a position of receiving something they may not be ready for.
Complimenting someone on a trait or characteristic creates distance and hierarchy rather than connection. When you tell someone you like their dress color, they respond with "Thanks" and the conversation stalls. This creates an uncomfortable dynamic where the complimented person feels put on a pedestal.
A better approach is to compliment shared similarities. Instead of putting someone above you, you celebrate something together. This creates "me too" moments rather than awkward exchanges.
Avoid complimenting people on traits they didn't work on. Telling a tall person they're tall or someone they have nice eyes doesn't create meaningful connection because these are genetic gifts, not accomplishments. Instead, compliment something they worked hard to achieve.
When people receive compliments on unearned traits, they often deflect with responses like "I didn't earn them, thanks to my parents."
High achievers often master conversation structure and context cues, but then encounter people stuck in social scripts—asking the same questions repeatedly: "Where are you from? What do you do? How did you get into that line of work?"
The biggest mistake is showing boredom with predictable answers. Instead, answer these common questions with hooks, stories, or funny moments that bridge to asking something back.
Transform standard answers into engaging responses. Instead of just saying "I'm from LA," say: "I'm from LA and about six years ago I moved to Austin, Texas, and now I'm a cowgirl—I wear cowboy boots and that's my thing." This opens doors to conversations about Austin, cowboy culture, or related topics.
The goal is finding "me too" moments where you discover shared interests and authentic connections.
Use guessing games to break conversational scripts. When asked how many siblings you have, respond with "Guess" instead of a direct answer. This creates surprise and playfulness. Then ask if you can guess their answer back.
These games make conversations interactive and change the dynamic from interview-style to collaborative play.
Make unexpected, playful responses to standard questions. When someone says they're from somewhere, respond with something absurd like "The windy city" regardless of accuracy. This breaks the script and creates shared humor.
Being playfully funny helps identify compatible people—if they laugh at your jokes, you're likely to connect; if not, the interaction may not develop further.
There's often too much pressure to be interesting in conversations. People feel they need unique conversation starters or amazing points of view. This performance mindset disengages others and creates inauthentic interactions.
Instead, focus on intentional connection building. Ask yourself: "Do I belong here? Do I feel accepted by this person?"
First impression words and initial interactions often trigger discomfort when we don't feel emotionally safe. This isn't about physical safety but rather feeling secure enough to share real answers without walking on eggshells.
Test whether you feel safe to share non-scripted answers or be uninteresting. True belonging comes from being able to answer authentically without pressure to perform.
When you want to end a conversation, use three steps for a graceful exit:
- Nonverbal signaling: Point your toes toward the door and make less eye contact (overhead gaze, glancing at exits)
- Verbal cues: Ask about their future plans ("What's your plan tomorrow?" or "Got any big plans for the weekend?")
- Wish them well: Thank them for the conversation, give a handshake or high five, and say "I'll see you later"
If comfortable, you can also be direct: "It's been great speaking with you. I want to make the rounds and meet some other people here. Can we chat later?"
Research shows that a slow triple nod makes the other person speak 67% longer. Use slow triple nods (1-2-3) to encourage someone to continue when you're engaged. Stop nodding entirely if you want them to stop talking. A fast triple nod signals "I'm done" or "wrap it up."
Communication operates through a cycle: you encode signals, others decode them, and they internalize the message. When someone under-signals warmth (stoic expressions, no nodding), this breaks the cycle and isolates the other person. Leaders who under-signal warmth are often perceived as intimidating or cold.
Research demonstrates that spotting social rejection cues (eye rolls, lip purses, scoffs) immediately changes our physiology—our field of vision increases and pupils dilate as we scan for more rejection signals and escape routes.
Fear micro-expressions (widening the whites of eyes) also trigger our amygdala. If you feel uneasy with someone, trust this response as your body detecting threat signals.
It takes 200 hours to become close friends with someone, and even more for romantic partners. However, we make major relationship decisions in the first 6 hours—insufficient time for accurate assessment.
Get off script by doing the "car challenge": after 3-4 safe dates, drive an hour away for a different activity (hiking, pickleball, art class, wine tasting). The hour there, activity time, and hour back reveal how someone behaves in varied environments—driving, listening, stopping for gas, treating service people.
Cues of inauthenticity occur when verbal and nonverbal signals don't match. Liars often display incongruence—saying "yes" while shaking their head "no," or vice versa.
Watch for fake smiles where someone says they're happy but shows no real expression in their upper cheek muscles. Real smiles create crow's feet around the eyes.
Research shows humans can smell fear. Participants wore sweat suits while running on treadmills versus skydiving for the first time. When unsuspecting participants smelled the fear sweat in fMRI machines, their amygdala activated—they literally caught the fear from the scent alone.
When you feel uneasy with someone, it may be your brain detecting threat signals through multiple channels, including scent.
Studies on scent detection use natural body odor without deodorant or perfume. Excessive cologne or perfume can mask natural scent signals. In dating contexts, under-scenting allows natural chemistry signals to emerge rather than being masked by artificial fragrances.
The discussion distinguishes between genuine connection and people pleasing, noting that people pleasing stems from a deep desire to be liked. Research from Princeton University found that humans constantly assess others on two basic questions: Can I trust you? And can I rely on you? These assessments of warmth and competence make up 82% of our judgments of people.
Highly warm people have a primary desire to be liked and often sacrifice their credibility to achieve this, which is the core of people pleasing. Highly competent people want to be right rather than necessarily liked, often fact-checking others in conversation.
True communication involves showcasing both warmth and competence - being both liked and respected, friendly and credible, assertive and nice. The goal for people pleasers should be ensuring others respect who they are and their values, rather than sacrificing authenticity to be liked.
Inauthentic "me too" moments occur when someone pretends to like something they don't, which is manipulative and doesn't serve either party. The example given was a job interview where someone claimed to know QuickBooks but couldn't explain what they used it for when asked.
Being authentic about dislikes can actually strengthen connections. Rather than claiming to love cats when allergic, it's better to say "I love the idea of cats, but I'm allergic" - this creates an opportunity for laughter and genuine connection. If it's a dealbreaker, it's better to know early.
In dating specifically, the advice is to not try to be liked by everyone. Instead of vague profile statements like "I love beaches," be specific about what you hate, such as "I hate camping," to avoid incompatible matches.
Narcissists typically blow people away with charisma initially, signaling both warmth and competence effectively. However, they typically go one of two ways when they don't get what they want:
- They go into victim mode, using language like "I don't deserve this treatment" or "I deserve something better"
- They become high conflict people who create disagreements and fights, then step back claiming "I don't know how that happened"
The "car test" is recommended for revealing these patterns, as controlled settings like restaurants make it easy to hide conflict styles, but situations like being cut off in traffic or dealing with service delays reveal authentic responses.
Side-by-side conversations, whether in cars, on walks, or during hikes, often elicit more authentic responses than face-to-face interactions. Steve Jobs famously conducted walking meetings. The movement and lack of direct eye contact creates a sense of moving in the same direction rather than against each other.
Breaking conversational scripts through unexpected questions or activities creates dopamine, which serves multiple functions: it generates excitement, makes interactions more positive, and makes people more memorable. Dr. John Medina's research found that dopamine enhances memory formation.
Instead of asking "What do you do?" or "Where are you from?," ask "Working on anything exciting these days?" This breaks the script and forces people to search their brain for something positive, creating a dopamine response. Even if they answer "No," it opens the door for deeper vulnerability and authentic conversation.
The key is being prepared to answer your own question if the other person struggles, essentially "taking the ball back" in the conversational exchange.
Being interesting requires doing interesting things - getting off social media, avoiding watching what everyone else watches, and trying different activities. When someone becomes known for asking engaging questions like "What are you learning?," it inspires others to seek out new experiences.
A team implemented a "tell me something good" routine at the start of virtual meetings, replacing awkward small talk. This not only made meetings more interesting but motivated team members to actively seek positive experiences throughout the week to share.
The recommendation is to be known for bringing icebreakers and interesting questions to interactions, as people secretly appreciate the effort even if they initially grumble.
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