What Telling Men To “Man Up” Does To Them
In a Nutshell
Men are socially conditioned from childhood to suppress all emotions except anger, creating a system where sadness and vulnerability are only tolerated from men who have already accumulated visible markers of success and masculinity. This double standard means the men most in need of emotional support—those without prestige, money, or status—are least likely to receive it, while society claims to care about male mental health. Emotional sensitivity is actually a strength that enables deep empathy and understanding, but men learn to hide it through shame and performance of composure rather than genuine emotional regulation.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Men are not educated or cultivated with information about emotional sensitivity, resulting in patterns where they only know how to target a couple of emotions, particularly anger. Boys are taught to "man up," that things are not a big deal, and not to cry, which forces suppression of emotions. The only socially acceptable emotion men are allowed to express is anger, which means emotionally sensitive boys who are told to man up become really angry men.
From a young age in kindergarten and at birthday parties, girls who fall down are scooped up, coddled, and told everything is okay, while boys who fall down are told it's not that big of a deal and to move on. There is no space for boys to explore and navigate emotional sensitivity from the beginning. Emotionally sensitive women have more latitude and forgiveness to explore sensitivity than men do, especially as they enter adulthood.
Anger is an antisocial emotion that is dangerous, destructive, often not wanted by the people experiencing it, and has unwanted impacts. However, anger is more socially acceptable for many men than sadness. The fact that anger is antisocial as an emotion demonstrates how unacceptable sadness is for men. Over 90% of men who take their own life in the UK have already gone to some form of mental health counseling, showing that the issue is not just talking about problems but actually allowing room for men to feel their feelings.
Everyone says they want their friend to open up when having a bad time, but this is easy to say after the fact, especially when something dangerous or devastating has happened. Few guys are supportive of another man on the internet opening up about real struggles that go beyond the acceptable Overton window of emotions, such as saying things are hard but they're getting back in the gym. A guy who is really broken down, alone, broken, lost, devastated, or crying is aversive to many men and women. You cannot claim male suicide is a big problem requiring more societal care while simultaneously mocking a guy who opens up about his emotions online.
Men need to accumulate sufficient surplus masculinity in areas like muscularity, strength, success, money, notoriety, or women. Once they have this bank account reserve of masculinity, they can withdraw from it to talk about emotions. This functions like a special video game unlock that only happens after reaching a particular level of being a man. Most of society has a big ick with men talking about deep emotions, especially difficult ones, but they have far fewer issues if it comes from a place of prestige rather than poverty.
A guy who is already down on his luck with not much going for him talking about how much things hurt does not receive the same sympathy as Chris Bumstead, the six-time Olympia world champion and one of the most muscular guys on the planet. Bumstead can cry and talk about breaking down in his girlfriend's arms six weeks before winning the world championship because he has the trappings of masculinity that make it seem like it's coming from strength rather than weakness. However, Bumstead does not need the same support because he already has a community including a supportive wife and continuing successes. The people who really need support are guys who do not have anything going for them, and they are presumably the biggest risk group.
A full week retreat working exclusively on emotions for 12 hours a day for seven days was completed in Northern California. A Janna meditation retreat working exclusively on conductivity of emotions was completed two weeks prior, which was a silent meditation retreat for seven days with six to eight hours per day sitting on the cushion. These experiences represent attempts to get below the neck and move away from patterns of felt scrutiny and existing patterns about how things will show up in the world, whether they can operate inside a business, and what is publicly acceptable.
Growing up as a really sensitive kid in a working-class blue-collar environment where people around did not notice or have the tools to help creates coping mechanisms. This can drive someone to do amazing things but also creates coping mechanisms that deny parts of themselves. Emotional sensitivity gets contorted and alchemized from something that was a challenge into something turned into something good, but it represents a denial of a bit of oneself at the same time.
Emotionally sensitive people hide that part of themselves because there is internalized shame about not being supposed to be sensitive, being supposed to be strong, and being supposed to handle stuff. People are celebrated for getting on the other side of adversity without complaining. From a young age, people learn to shut down that part of themselves or become embarrassed. At age eight, when something would hit the wrong way emotionally, hiding under tables or in closets occurred due to embarrassment and sadness happening simultaneously. Eventually the realization came that this was not conducive to moving forward and functioning well as an adult.
When emotional or having a hard day, people lie about it by saying they are fine repeatedly. Sometimes people do not want to talk about it with others because they will cry, which would prove they are emotionally sensitive. Suppression is not the same thing as strength. Swallowing emotions down is performing the role of somebody who has composure, but that is not the same as having composure. It is performing the role of somebody who has not felt the thing, but that is not the same as not feeling the thing.
The real challenge lies not in feeling deeply, but in living in a world that does not always know how to support that sensitivity. After returning from retreat, everything feels tender and the world feels very spiky. Operating in an intense, chaotic, fast-moving world requires creating strange patterns, coping mechanisms, walling off, and guarding just to move through the day. The goal is not to be a whimpering blob on the floor or a puddle of emotions, but to show up while not denying bits of experience and accessing strengths that come with sensitivity.
There is a direct pipeline between being highly emotionally sensitive and being highly emotionally intelligent. Strengths include having a deep understanding of other people's emotional insides. This led to entering psychiatry and continues to make the work enjoyable because of the ability to intimately understand when people talk about their experience. Picking up on body cues and tension that patients give when talking about family or answering questions allows knowing exactly what direction to go even when patients give stonewall answers like "I don't know." This makes emotionally sensitive people good friends, good partners, and good parents, and is especially helpful with parenting.
Emotional sensitivity can negatively impact self-esteem when reading emotional data negatively. Walking into a room and feeling unwanted, then attaching a narrative that does not actually exist, impacts self-esteem. However, in psychiatry work, emotional sensitivity is celebrated because patients feel understood for the first time, providing validation that is unique to this field.
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