“Demonising Men Is Not A Good Strategy” - Richard Reeves
In a Nutshell
Feminism is shifting away from demonizing men, with leaders recognizing the need to support boys and men directly for human flourishing, not just conditionally as beneficial for women or the economy. Young people face dating challenges from politicization and apps favoring short-term mate value based on shallow first impressions, but real relationships reveal deeper traits like kindness and patience over time, evolving far beyond initial "marketplace" matches. Care about men unconditionally—"No, dude. We just care about you"—to avoid self-defeating empathy gaps that create partner shortages.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Feminist movement is slowly realizing that demonizing or dismissing men is not a good strategy. This is happening patchily but surely. Leaders in feminist spaces are saying they need to do better for boys and men. They often frame it as good for women, but the speaker disagrees openly: care about boys and men directly, not just because it's good for women or the economy.
We should care about boys and men. I just end the sentence earlier than you.
In a piece on zero-sum empathy, argued that not caring about boys and men falling behind while complaining about no good men to date is like mating logic seppuku—creating the exact shortage of eligible partners desired. Good men are good in themselves, not just as service providers to women. Care about any group falling behind for human flourishing—a straightforward moral proposition.
Attends groups with different agendas. Melinda French Gates supports speaker and Gary Barker as part of gender equality, stating it's not good for women and girls if boys and men struggle. Reactionaries criticize her framing, but speaker says take the win—she's a global feminist supporting boys and men's work.
Speaker does not couch it conditionally. At a RECIF forum with leading women, stated American Institute for Boys and Men position clearly: care about boys and men doing better and flourishing, period. This is also good for economy, families, women—yes, of course. Women's Services Prevention Initiative tagline: when women are healthy, communities thrive. Similarly, when men are healthy, communities thrive. No need to condition it.
Men see conditionality (e.g., care only if men do bad things) and need to hear: No, dude. We just care about you.
As a 56-year-old married almost entire adult life, draws from three sons in their 20s and younger friends. Worries about politicization: young women told life is tough due to men, patriarchy; young men told life is tough due to woke feminists, women. Encourages blaming each other for real problems—colossal waste of energy, not true. Creates difficulties in dating/mating due to political polarization.
Dan Cox wrote on decline in high school and young adult dating—huge problem, as that's where relational skills develop, including enduring and delivering rejection gracefully.
Discusses marketplace/mate value/evo psych ideas. References Paul Eastwick's book Bonded by Evolution. Ancestral mating in small groups where people were known, not cities of 10 million with phones. Mate value shifts over time; social sanctioning (workplace, friend of a friend) powerful vs. algorithmic app matches across New York—not how we evolved.
Eastwick argues mate value doesn't exist beyond first look; revealed bonded preferences over time flatten mating dynamic—tens with threes. Speaker sees it as flattening but not completely; mate value more complicated. Over time, elements like personality, poise, patience, regulation appear. Denies no preferable mates even after knowing someone four years—big surveys would show rankings.
Learning more reveals mate value elements: visual first impression changes with speech, kindness, humor, ambition, caring for family, hard work. Best bit of Eastwick: twist on shallow internet mate value interpretation, almost exclusively for short-term mating.
All mating advice geared to short-term. Argued with Shadi Hamid in Post piece: not telling to "settle"—talking marriage. Marketplace idea suggests it's over post-mating, but that's just beginning. Relationship evolves over decades as people change; more about husband you become than wife chosen. If lucky, fall head over heels, but maximizing/match/cash out misses ongoing story.
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