The Unethical Guide to Surviving AI Layoffs
In a Nutshell
To survive AI-driven layoffs like Coinbase's, aggressively embrace AI hype: memorize buzzwords like RAG loops and agentic orchestration, send company-wide "AI-first" emails, host weekly AI office hours, pitch ignorant execs on vague AI experiments for promotions and budget, and publicly automate specific coworkers' roles while dropping their names in Slack. Stop all manual work—voice-dictate everything, wear black turtlenecks like a codebase philosopher—and never voice AI skepticism at work, as contrarians get fired; fake the enthusiasm to secure jobs and equity. Privately, AI is just a powerful calculator, not the singularity, but pretending otherwise is the only path to thriving amid CEO posturing.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
Coinbase laid off a bunch of people last week. The CEO sent out a tweet explaining that the layoffs were not because of mismanagement. He positioned himself and the company as victims of AI's excessive productivity. He claimed he begged the GPUs to slow down, thinking about the families, but the productivity gains were already realized.
To survive, become the most insufferable, LinkedIn-sounding, aggressively pro-AI person in the company starting tomorrow. Go to ChatGPT and ask for a list of 100 AI buzzwords. Print them out and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Practice them every morning while brushing teeth: RAG (retrieval-augmented generation), RAG, Daresh, Darkesh, agentic, orchestration, multi-agent, neocloud. By the time you leave, you should have a low-grade fever and feel slightly nauseous—this is a positive symptom.
At 9:00 a.m. sharp, send an email to the entire organization, including board members. Subject: Some thoughts on where we're headed. Body: "Hey team, I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think it's time we became an AI first company. I have some experience in this space and I'm happy to be the Sherpa on this journey. Reach out if you'd like to set up some time." Send it. If you can make it leak, that's major leagues.
Host weekly workshops called AI office hours every Friday at 3 p.m. in conference room B. Print flyers: "Got AI questions? I've got AI answers." Nobody else will do this or have flyers. The workshops are reconnaissance to find out how little anyone understands AI and exploit that gap to serve content to AI simpletons on the team.
If your CEO has never heard RAG (Ralph Loops), you're less than 30 days from promotion. Walk into his office, close the door, and say, "Hey, Chief, been experimenting with something. It's called RAG loops, and I think it could change literally everything." When he asks what it is, say, "Give me $18,000 worth of API credits and I'll show you." You won't do anything because nobody knows what they're doing, but by the time he figures it out, you'll have a new title and equity bump.
Automate constantly. Nothing arouses capitalists like automation. Drop names of specific team members to automate out of existence: "Yo, I automated Gary, bro." Tag Gary in a public Slack channel: "Yo, I just automated Gary. His function has been RAG looped." Tag the CEO too. You won't get laid off after that.
It doesn't matter who's right or wrong—a storm is neither. If you're an AI contrarian at your company, resign voluntarily. Only talk AI realism here or with your dog. Do not let anyone, not even your wife, hear you be negative or balanced about AI. The only way to make money as an AI realist is already cornered, and it's barely paying.
Most important: no longer do any work. Don't write code or type. Dictate using voice tools. Speak to Claude, speak to team on Slack, speak in meetings and workshops. Fingers never touch a keyboard—we have transcended labor. Engineering is a metaphysical practice: we commune with code, cleanse the repo of bad energy, philosophers of the codebase. Wear a black turtleneck; get two as backups. Steve Jobs' mistake was not having a backup.
To commenters saying this is messed up, cynical, bad advice: Your Gandhi stance won't pay off. Your CEO is using the Coinbase memo, asking ChatGPT 5.2 to draft one, studying Brian's tweet, whispering "We have made the difficult decision" to feel it. He needs views, All-In Summit invite, Chamath mention. Being against AI won't change his mind or the trajectory—it makes no difference. Take a stance by going vegan or opening a Threads account. At work, realism gets you canned. Obligation: roof over family's head, food on table.
When it gets too much, come back here. Between us, AI is a calculator, not the singularity—it's a tool. Reasonable people know this. Everyone pretends it's the second coming of consciousness because they're getting promoted and keeping jobs, and you're not. Put on your turtleneck and see you on the other side.
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