The Unethical Guide to Surviving AI Layoffs
In a Nutshell
To survive AI-driven layoffs like Coinbase's, aggressively embrace AI hype: memorize buzzwords like RAG loops and agentic orchestration, send company-wide "AI-first" emails, host weekly AI office hours, pitch ignorant execs on vague AI experiments for promotions and budget, and publicly automate specific coworkers' roles while dropping their names in Slack. Stop all manual work—voice-dictate everything, wear black turtlenecks like a codebase philosopher—and never voice AI skepticism at work, as contrarians get fired; fake the enthusiasm to secure jobs and equity. Privately, AI is just a powerful calculator, not the singularity, but pretending otherwise is the only path to thriving amid CEO posturing.
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Coinbase laid off a bunch of people last week. The CEO sent out a tweet explaining that the layoffs were not because of mismanagement. He positioned himself and the company as victims of AI's excessive productivity. He claimed he begged the GPUs to slow down, thinking about the families, but the productivity gains were already realized.
To survive, become the most insufferable, LinkedIn-sounding, aggressively pro-AI person in the company starting tomorrow. Go to ChatGPT and ask for a list of 100 AI buzzwords. Print them out and tape them to your bathroom mirror. Practice them every morning while brushing teeth: RAG (retrieval-augmented generation), RAG, Daresh, Darkesh, agentic, orchestration, multi-agent, neocloud. By the time you leave, you should have a low-grade fever and feel slightly nauseous—this is a positive symptom.
At 9:00 a.m. sharp, send an email to the entire organization, including board members. Subject: Some thoughts on where we're headed. Body: "Hey team, I've been giving this a lot of thought and I think it's time we became an AI first company. I have some experience in this space and I'm happy to be the Sherpa on this journey. Reach out if you'd like to set up some time." Send it. If you can make it leak, that's major leagues.
Host weekly workshops called AI office hours every Friday at 3 p.m. in conference room B. Print flyers: "Got AI questions? I've got AI answers." Nobody else will do this or have flyers. The workshops are reconnaissance to find out how little anyone understands AI and exploit that gap to serve content to AI simpletons on the team.
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