Why Men & Women Are Giving Up On Each Other - Daniel Cox
In a Nutshell
Young men and women increasingly misunderstand each other due to social media algorithms that feed them extreme stereotypes and rare horror stories presented as normal, while they've grown up with fewer real-world opportunities to form cross-sex relationships through shared activities, institutions, or family guidance. This creates an echo chamber where each gender hears only what their own group says about the other, reinforced by declining trust in institutions and a shift toward individual responsibility for safety and emotional protection. The result is dating exhaustion, social withdrawal, and political polarization, with young women becoming more liberal while young men feel neglected and confused about their role in society.
These notes were generated by AI and may contain inaccuracies.
The hostility among young people, particularly young women, did not originate with the Me Too movement, the manosphere, or dating apps. The issue began in formative experiences. This generation grew up on the internet and with social media, but the changes extended beyond technology to how parents raised children. Smaller families emerged alongside greater resources being channeled into children and their individual interests and achievements. Activities expanded from enrichment programs and private lessons to travel sports. Many young people grew up understanding that the family's goal was not collective improvement but rather the pursuit of personal interests and achievements.
Men and women understand each other less than previous generations in some respects. They are not operating without information, but rather they are dealing with far more harmful stereotypes. Much of this content comes from social media, which presents the worst possible picture of male and female behavior. The other side of the issue is that people encounter two extremes online: the best relationships and the worst relationships. Normal relationships with all their problems, difficulties, and doubts are never shown. Only idealized relationships or disasters appear online, which significantly distorts people's understanding of relationships.
Expectations of partners have changed dramatically due to algorithmic content. Only 42% of young men say they understand young women's problems, while only 25% of young women say the same about men. Historically, this gap was shrinking as people of that age progressed. Formative experiences have decreased significantly. Previous generations had more dating opportunities and social activities. People might meet in church or places of worship. There were more opportunities for girls to get to know boys in these environments. Now these opportunities are much harder to obtain.
An entire generation has less formative experience simply talking with the opposite sex, not to mention dating, sex, and everything else. Understanding someone whose experience was completely different from your own is difficult. Men genuinely need to understand women, and women need to understand men.
The speaker began his book by asking teenagers: "Imagine you suddenly became the opposite sex. You woke up—what is it like? How are you feeling? What excites you? What worries you?" Their answers were full of generalizations and stereotypical images. One girl said: "Oh my God, disgusting! I'd have to wear my brother's clothes. Disgusting. I might burp and act disgustingly in front of my friends. No thank you." Young men gave similar responses, though less explicitly: "Well, I think I might be emotional, and I might try to pay attention to others or exploit or manipulate them." These harmful stereotypical images persist, and the only way to correct them is through genuine dialogue—simply sitting with someone.
People least likely to hold these views are those with close friends or family members of the opposite sex who know and respect them. These individuals might say to members of the opposite sex: "In reality, this is not how girls think about sex or relationships. And the same applies to boys." Men and women are talking about each other more than ever before. There is a documented record of everything said online. People can look at news articles, then examine their own thoughts about what the other sex thinks, does, or what their motives are. They are talking about each other instead of talking with each other.
This creates something resembling an echo chamber. Men who talk about women hear what other men say, and women who talk about men hear what other women say. Neither group tests their assumptions. A Washington Post study found that sex was one of the most effective methods algorithms use to separate people. Algorithms identify whether you are a man or woman very early and provide content accordingly. A large part of that content reinforces prevailing concepts about the opposite sex, providing more and more confirmation and endorsement that keeps your point of view unchallenged.
When it comes to truly sensitive topics like the "man vs. bear" episode, women receive completely different, indeed somewhat frightening content. If a woman expresses concern about sexual violence, harassment, or assault, after three posts she will find more of the same type of content. Men do not see this type of content, so their perspective becomes: "Well, why are these women so upset? I don't understand."
The "man vs. bear" debate reveals that social media is generally an unsuitable platform for conducting difficult discussions about sensitive topics. Whether concerning the Me Too movement or the man vs. bear controversy, a space is needed to conduct difficult conversations that have no easy answers. The man vs. bear debate had a relatively easy answer. Symbolically, if examined more deeply, the question becomes: "Are men really this dangerous?" The available evidence suggests they are certainly not more dangerous than they have ever been—indeed, most are not dangerous. However, this type of manufactured fear complex, promoted by many internet influencers, makes it really difficult for women to escape once they see all this content.
Products are appearing on Amazon such as hair ties that can cover drinks to prevent being drugged, along with various visible sprays. If a young woman is thinking "Why do I need this if the world is a very dangerous place?" then the question arises: Why do women feel less safe despite all this civilizational progress?
There are several reasons, but one fundamental factor is the shift in responsibility from institutions to individuals. At one time, families, schools, places of worship, and civil organizations bore much responsibility for setting standards and ensuring behavior. If people exceeded certain standards, there would be accountability mechanisms. What is increasingly seen is a dramatic decline in trust across a wide range. Pick any institution and young people have less trust in it than previous generations.
When it comes to matters such as sexual assault and harassment, questions arise about how efficient certain institutions like churches, places of worship, and police are in handling these claims. A clear generation gap exists where young women have less confidence that these institutions will handle matters responsibly compared to older women. This creates a situation where "If no one protects me, I need to protect myself." The language used in this context, drawn from psychotherapy about boundary-setting, stems from this fear that "I am forced to do this because no one else will. No one will care about me but myself."
What women do is rare risk research. What the internet does is portray these rare risks as if they represent the natural distribution curve of male reactions and behavior. Not all men, but always a man. What is dangerous is rare, but these rare risks can be converted into a rule. Insurance exists precisely for rare risks—car insurance exists because if there is no insurance, there is a possibility something bad will happen without proper protection.
One of the underlying reasons behind this type of growing fear and growing concern about sexual harassment and assault is what happens online. Since the early and middle of the first decade of the second millennium, with the emergence of social media and its increasing popularity, there has been a significant increase in negative experiences, particularly sexual harassment, which has increased significantly, especially among certain groups of users.
It is not that harassment does not actually happen, but much of it now happens online, especially among people who spend more time there. Certain categories of users are exposed to repeated harassment. For example, young liberal women report being subjected to sexual harassment more than conservatives and moderates. There are several possible reasons. One is that they may be more sensitive regarding terms such as "verbal abuse," and they have different standards for what they consider harassment—perhaps some kind of gradual expansion in the concept of harassment.
Another factor is that if examining who comments on politics and how they comment and what they post online, young liberal women are more active in sharing their opinions via the internet, and sometimes some men do not share this. Those who spend a long time online. When asked about the source of harassment, it was not limited only to men, but harassers are often strangers or those who do not know the victim well. These are strangers. This is qualitatively different from other experiences of harassment. For example, if examining perpetrators of sexual assault, they are often people the victim knows. In cases of online harassment, they are often strangers.
This is not limited to online sexual harassment. The number of people who do not know you online far exceeds those who know you. If publishing something, most people do not have millions of followers, meaning only two thousand people from their city follow them. A single post may spread widely because of something they said. Almost everyone does not know you, and the harassment you will be exposed to... what is lacking in the difference is that women are attacked more personally and are more vulnerable to sexual attacks from men simply for sharing their political opinions. This is a well-known fact. For example, rape threats—if a woman says something about transgender issues, sexual or legal equal educational opportunities (Title IX), suddenly she receives email messages. If knowing a woman who works in journalism or media, these things are not rare.
The internet systematically makes men worse and women worse. The concept of "repetitive learning" for the red pill involves how artificial intelligence is trained on a specific data set. This group, at least regarding artificial intelligence, is very wide. But the data set that is viewed is for people who learn and speak usually about gender difference issues and political issues online. These are the most important stories that confirm their current opinions or provoke their anger toward the other side.
Most stories are, by virtue of their nature, surprising and shocking, which means they are the last stories. Then it returns and says: "This man went out for three minutes to buy some milk. When he returned, he found his wife in bed with the mailman and his assistant and the dog too. Isn't this madness? Then she took 85% of everything he earned throughout his life. He is now suffering from Parkinson's and lives under a tree." This is a truly strange story. The reason behind the occurrence is that you might forget to check the credibility or accuracy of the information. The reason behind the spread of this story is that it is worth publishing. This means that if spending most time browsing the internet and selecting online content, the focus is on strange stories, and one begins to consider the strange as normal.
If something could be changed to improve things, it would be preventing comments on extremist publications. When speaking with young men and women, what was heard was that the matter is not limited to women simply diminishing men's short stature or speaking to them with arrogance, or whatever they said—the comment itself is not what resonates with many of those who see it, but rather the flood of comments that say... "As if they were frequent confirmations on this negative feedback. And it seems as if I'm saying: Well, I think that is not limited to one person who has a personal grudge. There is a whole community of men and women who contribute to consolidating this negative stereotype or negative idea about the other sex."
There is a misunderstanding about what women want in men and how they expect them to act in romantic dates. Even when speaking with most liberal women or those who define themselves as feminists, they wanted men to perform simple actions that could be described as chivalry. For example, opening the door, asking about their circumstances, reassuring them, paying attention to their feelings, and covering appointment costs—all these things were extremely important. Showing kindness and attention was very important to them. Even in polls, this shows. This is still true.
In one-on-one conversations conducted with young men and women, this topic was frequently discussed constantly. Women really want men to do this and to abandon the idea of sexism. Some people complain about this thing, but the ordinary girl who tries to date someone wants some tangible attention, and this is understandable.
A dissenting viewpoint exists because the subject of positive sexual discrimination has been thought about extensively. William Costello conducted many studies about it. The interesting thing is positive sexual discrimination. Usually, when talking about men seeing women as both unique and uniquely fragile, they feel weakened in certain ways that require care from men. This description could be a vulgar method.
One of the problems here is that it may be true that most women, especially on average, want the man to behave in a way that makes them feel special with attention and care and safety, and so on. But if asked: "What are the basic beliefs he should possess until this is the natural evolution of your relationship?" This would not be acceptable to most women. "Do you need a man to take care of you? No, I don't need it. I can do it myself." The matter is like saying: "Okay, what you're saying now is that I don't need you to do this. You are not necessary. But I still want you to treat me in a way that makes me feel extremely weak." There is a type of attraction and repulsion at play here. These things can become complicated very quickly.
There is always a simpler way of thinking about it. Thinking about a wife and household tasks she does and that are also done, years have passed since going out to the street to take out the trash. This is something she can do. She is fully capable of taking out the trash and recycling, but this is done because she does not like to do it, and there is absolute capability on doing it, going out in the morning early. It is about this level of awareness. There are many ways women do not need men to intervene. But the world would be a better place if men act now more positively in public places, caring not only about women but also elderly people and pregnant women, and anyone who needs some facilities to feel safe or simply because it is visible. This is not a flaw; rather it should be talked about. Raising two boys and wanting them to be two vigilant young men—this will give them a goal they are striving for. This is great and should be encouraged.
If looking at the last decade or fifteen years in the past, the culture of relationships between men and women was not dominant and this goal has not been set for men enough. Much of what is being discussed in their eyes is exaggeration. That thoughts are scattered pre-invasion control and aggression. A condescending explanation. An exaggerated expansion. She tries to interfere in the hadith. This is using paternal authority excessively. Women felt this for a long time, but if that was the case, it will be relatively easy to understand the reason for men feeling this way at present. This is not a struggle, but simply trying to say: This is the other side of the equation in relation to most young people these days—they do not know their status in society.
It seems girls are achieving resounding success from a social and economic aspect—this is great for them. But feeling forgotten and it does not seem required. Then watching video clips online where young people are mocked for their attempt to get closer to girls, or they are accused of doing something. This, in addition to statistics saying that 80% or 86% of women prefer that the man takes the initiative first, and suffering originally stemmed from anxiety about getting closer. Feeling stressed also. Not going out much, and these are great demands added to a generation of youth who were not socially exposed sufficiently to all this existing gravity usually. They had to overcome previous obstacles, and now there is this type of added complexity.
It is useful also to understand that the problems should not be similar. Acknowledgment can be made that men and women face various problems and challenges. There is sexual assault, there is homelessness, and there is suicide. And when it is about rejection—who faces the greatest amount of social rejection and emotional rejection? Often they are the people who take more initiative. As mentioned in the book, the people who take the first step are the most vulnerable to error because that is just how things are.
The phone has become more related to factors stemming from vanity. People feel from both sides more cautious about what they can do and what they can't do in public places. The dance is no longer popular because people will look ridiculous in the video. Coordinators are looking at the songs around them and they see everyone is holding their phones, but very few people are really enjoying themselves on the dance floor.
50% of the culture before the iPhone became widespread, 50% before BlackBerry, and 50% before Apple made a huge difference. It even changed the type of events that were held. The most popular events were loud and classic with British drinking culture. This culture has faded away very quickly with the appearance of Facebook. Previously people vomited on themselves in the middle of the ring and danced on Monday on some occasion. Now the image remains forever on the internet. Half-life of mistakes and follies should be shorter by a lot.
Grew up playing football in West New York. They were playing until late November when it becomes very cold. One year they were in State Championship playing against a team. They were wearing warm-up clothes preparing for the match. They took off their warm-up jackets and trousers and wore shorts and long-sleeve shirts. A man runs to the field in his underwear only wearing his shirt but wearing trousers indoors and football socks. He pulled down his sweatpants with his shorts and was very excited for the match to such an extent that he did not understand this. When he arrived at approximately halfway his team colleagues began to shout "You wear your clothes only the interior, man!" Then he hurried back to get dressed. There were no pictures and no documentation for this. The experience that is considered extremely embarrassing was kind of forgotten. It has been talked about for a while, but after that there was no more cause for concern that this will haunt you throughout your life on different internet websites.
When women stopped needing men economically, men and women still need each other economically. Perhaps the feeling that you don't need men economically. There is some research that indicates ownership of homes may be affected by shortages of marriage. When people can get married, resource integration makes accommodation extremely expensive. One roof for two people is more reasonable by a lot. There are many ways that men still benefit women from it, even if you can somewhat rely on yourself. You're barely succeeding.
Statistics are what matter, whether people believe this is true. There's a feeling that you don't want to feel like you need someone. The generation was raised considering the need for someone a sign of weakness. This shows that you can't rely on yourself in every way possible, meaning you are a failure.
Conducted focus groups in North Philadelphia, Raleigh, North Carolina. At the end of each group asked participants: when you were children, what did your parents say about what is important in life? Did they give you any guidelines regarding what is important in life? Did they talk about the importance of financial stability? Did they speak to you about the importance of education? What about marriage or finding a life partner or parenthood and motherhood?
For financial stability and education, all hands were raised in the collection of women and men in general. Parents talk about these matters to their children. Regarding marriage, no one raises their hand in any of the two groups. For fatherhood and motherhood, nothing. Some women said that their ancestors were the ones who spoke to them about marriage and parenting.
There is a lack of desire to impose any directives. The idea that as a parent you need appreciation that there is an innate truth in your child and that he will discover it self-sustaining without any implantation in terms of values or personality. But not in terms of finance, they discover from themselves. They may remain independent. They have some strict principles when it comes to order via your bank account but not in relation to your marital status.
The surprising thing is that in most cases, perhaps marriage and parenthood are the most important things for these fathers, and with that they don't participate with their children. The decisive experience of marriage and having a long life partner, then having children are amazing life-changing experiences. The best social studies research shows that the quality of our social relationships is much more important than any other feature or standard almost.
Families became the American one smaller than it was in the previous. The number was approximately 2.8 or 2.9 and now it's around 2.4 or 2.3. The number of people increased who have one child to a large extent. It is now one in five. When you don't have to share a bedroom or bathroom, you don't have to consider preferences of other food or being in your space throughout.
Grew up with two brothers and they were always all around. They were always interfering in affairs. Parents gave freedom in dealing with these matters and to understand it and resolve differences. This is extremely valuable as you learn the benefit of this type of friction. It is normal for you to deal with it when you become a member of a family.
Parents invest in childhood experiences through volunteer work or donating or working in a charity kitchen or working with religious organizations in your society. Instead, people are directed to enrichment activities. They receive private lessons, or they go to dance classes or art classes, or they play sports. During that time, they realize that their parents see them as special. Why are they investing all this time and effort in me if I wasn't special?
In a recent opinion poll: when you were young, did your fathers see you special or ordinary? There is a large gap between the generations. If you are over fifty, you generally believe that your parents saw you normal. But if you are a young man under fifty, the majority said their fathers see them distinguished. This is a completely different perspective to deal with the world, as if you are saying "I am unique and special and different, and I need people to accept me." This implies demands may be met more easily. You will need to negotiate and compromise to a lesser extent.
There is an article in The Atlantic magazine talking about "A nation of adaptation" where schools increasingly meet a wide range of different needs. Fathers give according to their opinions. A brother who is a university professor was receiving calls from parents complaining about grades of their children at the beginning of the second millennium. Parents expected that there was a mistake in your test, or that my child needs some help. "Timmy is a genius, you don't understand, you must the test is faulty."
Fathers overestimate academic abilities and the intellectual development of their children in ways they might not have done a generation ago. This is American research 100%. For many British and Australians, the UK and Australia are one of the largest countries that listen to podcasts. The idea of being looked at as a special British child is unique, you will be an insult. The phrase "it's special" is used ironically.
America represents 4% of the world population but witnessed 50% of new millionaires in 2025. The UK represents 0.8% of the world population but witnessed 10% of new millionaires in the world in 2024. America has a broad culture of creative thinking, the overall view, and the possibility of becoming anything you want. Despite all that, America is a superstructure of hateful patriarchy dominating traditional gender standards and keeping everyone in a state of lowest due to hatred of women.
The assumption that leads you in the social system through which the world enters is that you are able to succeed. Denying that is the source of injustice and tension and the twisting. The United Kingdom is the opposite. In the United Kingdom you are allowed to become successful, but only if you treat it as if a horrific accident. As if you feel extremely embarrassed because you managed to become successful.
There is a lot of evidence that we are still competitive economically and that we are performing well in some ways, but the social fabric began falling apart for decades. Having a millionaire at the top doesn't make the rest of the people feel better. Our perspective of the economy is linked closely from our social perspective. Our ability to make friends, obtain support from those around us, and establish permanent social relationships is linked with our financial stability. People who have a good financial situation have a good social status. This was not the situation the same as before.
Religious participation, being a member of a union, being a member of an organization for warriors in ancient times served as organizations that support class societies of the worker. It served as the link among rural and semi-urban communities. This has declined significantly during the last few years. Now witnessing decline in all fields, but university educated people use activities such as Orange Theory or yoga or other places to create outlets for their own social circle. Book clubs are common very much in many places. Running clubs exist.
"Darty" parties are daytime parties like health parties where they wake up at 6:00 in the morning, they run around Austin or Lady Bird Lake, and they begin their day actively. It requires a lot of organization. If you have free time and money, building your own network of relationships becomes more difficult.
People with high status who are professional and burdened with student debt now have to work more. In the middle class and above, there will be many people who have less time, many of those who may work full-time from 9 am to 5 pm. Increase in disposable income simply means you have more options and wider options.
What hinders the ability of working class children on formation of these relationships is their frequent changes for their jobs. They enter and exit from their jobs at different rates. They also face more long-term unemployment. They work in professions like freelance work where they are alone. A large part of today. While if you work in an office-based job, it is likely that you have a stable job. There are more social activities such as attendance at after-work sessions. There are things built around these workplaces that allow you to make friends long-lasting.
For people who have university education, work is the first place to make friends. Spending a lot of time there. The question is what would really happen if most of our experiences in working remotely. This is not good for young people. You are not learning the culture of the job. You are not building relationships. You are not building confidence if you work about completely distant.
Personal work experiments are extremely valuable. The illusion of work from home dissipated with the emergence of COVID-19. Once it brought with it: you don't have to wear pants, you can do that, you can be by your side getting light meals whenever you want, you are not forced to see your annoying manager and being present in the office, you don't have to sit in traffic jam. Then the truth came and shocked everyone: this might be what you want, but it's not what you're looking for. It may be comfortable, but it's driving you crazy slowly.
The greatest fear is what technology will do to us, especially artificial intelligence. Not that it won't be useful or we won't be able to find new ways to benefit from it, but it will make it very easy to bypass everything we were needing in it to others. AI allowed working from home such as the Zoom app. The biggest fear is that it will solve direct social contact and the social interactions we were needing.
If you needed a ride to the airport, you were going to ask a friend to contact you. Now ordering an Uber. If you need food delivery, you can do that very easily instead of going to the store or talking to the box attendant. The Taskrabbit app allows not relying on current to help build a table tennis table. These little insults and little interactions that were happening between us are a large loss.
Maps are great. When living in DuPont Circle in Washington D.C., usually these people were fifty years older. They were tourists most likely. Loved giving them directions if able to do that. The experience feels like showing knowledge of the city that you live there. The truth is we miss these interactions now. It happened twice last year during a walk in the neighborhood living in it, and there were two people. One of them was a couple of elderly men, and the other was a couple from out of town and perhaps even from outside the country.
Enjoyed that experience real. The worst is that you were not knowing where they should go. Said wait a moment, let me take out my phone and I will tell you where you should go. Certainly made a mistake in guiding some people sometimes. Love that people trusted enough to talk to a stranger, and was able to help them even though simply put. There is value by chance, things don't always go according to plan.
Technology is supposed to make available new things, and it does that in some aspects. You might search for example "I want to go to tonight's show" then results appear that were not there before to see it. But technology makes it easier for us to access to our current preferences more than just allowing us new opportunities.
This applies to dating via the internet. You're improving as opposed to meeting someone at a party. Met wife at home on the beach with a group of friends. Got to know each other, it was a social experiment integrated. If a list was made with her personal specifications or qualities, would say yes this is the person suitable for me. It was done in a traditional way. You are outside, enjoy your time with your friends, and this is an experience that feels rare very much now.
The percentage of this population that are single in the generation because of dating and the percentage of influence of market dynamics of dating. The point which people think about often when it comes to the order for men and women is when they are related. Boys and girls have to go to school together even if not always the case. The truth is the meeting in the middle is the essence of relationships.
Dating is at the forefront of this trend, it is the spearhead. If looked at the matter from qualitative aspects and quantity, then the number of negative interactions between men and women happens frequently in this context in terms of how they interact socially. There is greater tension and less trust in many times.
People go out on dates and leave with negative impressions even when the appointment is not very bad. They feel deeply exhausted and disappointed, saying things like "another date" that did not go well. Part of this absence stems from the lack of a clear model of how dating works—there is no clearly assumed action or expected behavior in certain situations.
With a lack of experience in dating formation, adults become beginners who do not know how things are supposed to go well. The matter becomes too complicated, with existing customs around who pays and who demands. There is still some remnant that men should pay, but this has become questionable, especially when women excel over men in many cases in entry-level jobs or in some economic fields.
The internet dating environment makes things extremely difficult because it strips away the body. People do not see each other in the real world or see how they interact with strangers or children. They only see images of someone walking in a nice place or with their dog, and are forced to issue rulings based on conclusions from extremely limited information.
Social experiences are extremely valuable but lacking when decisions are made via the internet. Personality tests and psychological stress tests are not intuitive ways to assess the person one spends time with. The most important things include how people treat service crew like waiters and waitresses in restaurants, how they treat hostesses and company employees, and how they treat animals, especially small animals in the street.
Being loving toward animals provides a competitive advantage. Small children approaching can cause stress. Being late for dinner, trying to find parking, navigating through traffic, or dealing with cancelled flights—all these experiences are valuable because they give an idea about the person's character in the real world.
In the real world, people can sense aspects of compatibility between two people and things that may not concern them. For example, not caring if someone lost their temper in traffic congestion because crowds are annoying and both parties feel the same way.
Most interaction with people, especially in the early stages when searching, is via the internet and confined to a very small window—one image or a carefully selected video clip. No one shows themselves as they lose their temper in front of a child or stop crying on the plane. Dating is for show, where people try to show their best self that they think the other person will interact with positively.
There is a difference in what we know from data regarding how people respond and react differently. Romantic dates are failures if they meet someone online compared to getting acquainted through mutual friends. When asked if someone would give a second chance if the first one was bad, most people would say no if it was an online meeting, but if it was a meeting through mutual friends, they are likely to give a second chance, saying maybe they did not have a good day or there might have been a justifiable reason.
Men are more inclined to give women a second chance than women give men, which is consistent with many studies regarding selectivity. It is really important that this person is part of your social circle because then there will be more people interested in the success of the relationship, even if it requires a large investment. There is more stability in the system and greater support if obtained from someone within your current social circle.
This applies to marriage as well—it should be a socially supported project where people pay attention to relationships. If there are family members married, like a cousin for example, one should pay attention to how their marriage went and whether both are fine. People should care about people's relationships, and as a society, they should encourage connection. The relationship, even if it ends, will be better if there are people who care about both sides and invest in it.
When people in long-term relationships end them, sometimes they say they wasted five years of their life. But no one says that about a friendship that comes and goes. The difference depends on expectations of romantic relationships. If it was supposed to lead to marriage and children, then failure to reach that means not getting what was wanted from the relationship, even if valuable experience was gained.
The recession in social relations in America is not separate from emotional deterioration. These things are closely related and happen at the same time. People spend less time together, and this is visible in the data. Specifically for men, the number of close friends is closely related to their emotional situation and whether they were going out on romantic dates.
If men have more close friends, they are more likely to mention going on a recent romantic date or being in a serious relationship. This relates to the social side—people who are social and good at dating have good social skills. When there is a wider circle of friends, more opportunities are available. People who are good at dealing with friends tend to make friends and are also skilled at romantic dates, making them more prone to marriage and entering serious relationships.
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Men and women look at marital infidelity differently. Americans consider marital infidelity morally wrong regardless of their political affiliations or demographic categories—8 out of 10 or 9 out of 10. This position is fixed even though stances toward many different behaviors have changed, such as becoming more accepting of homosexuality.
When asked about whether a man cheats on his wife versus whether a woman cheats on her husband, when it comes to men's betrayal, there was not a big difference between both genders—most people said a man's infidelity is morally wrong. When it comes to women's betrayal, especially young women were much less inclined to take a hardline stance and assert that adultery is morally wrong in all circumstances. There was more opinion that it was logical, or not a moral issue, or morally acceptable.
Men commit adultery more frequently. Women care about who betrays and what the circumstances surrounding it are. Men judge each other's betrayal the same way they judge women. Women judge men's betrayal the same way men judge each other. But women judge women's betrayal in general differently, and most of this difference comes from young women.
Older women are very similar with the others, but young women are the ones who stand out on this scale. This may stem from shared fate experiences with betrayal—women are simply more prone to experience betrayal from men. Men do not justify the behavior of a man who cheats on his partner, but there is a hint of "what did he do to deserve this?" On the contrary, for women there is "what did you do? Is she worth it?"
Regarding sexual assault, women say every woman knows someone who was exposed to sexual assault, but no man has a friend who sexually assaults women. David Boss has a simple explanation that it is not about a thousand men committing one incident each, but rather one man out of every thousand committing a thousand incidents—that is, there is a real danger from repeat offenders among the men's group.
This argument is convincing regarding the most dangerous crimes, but regarding less dangerous sexual harassment, it is not just about one or two perpetrators—it is believed to be a much bigger group. Twitter in its early days was similar to the Wild West, where some nonsense spread by men responding to women was more like content from video gaming arcades. There are limits to why something should be acceptable in public speech.
The ability to say something does not mean it is acceptable. There is phishing and memes that allowed acting with sarcasm and audacity. This was before phishing, before memes spread. It is 2015 or something similar. Sexual harassment via the internet was not expected to sneak in this way, and it is getting worse, especially if a young woman grew up in a society suffering from the dominance of social media.
There is great concern about safety in the presence of men and forest bears and the like. This happens on the internet, a display case. The fear and instinctive fear every woman feels, which perhaps inflates or multiplies through modern social media, creates a very difficult situation. These things might even follow someone home—receiving electronic messages in a place where one is supposed to feel safe, messages threatening harm.
Women are more likely to request sharing nude photos. There are ways that will be exploitative and harmful. It is not appropriate for boys generally to request nude photos from their female study colleagues, but there are no strict standards preventing this matter. Girls and young women are forced to build those barriers themselves.
The demand for nude photos for women creates lines at two extremes of the graphic. Regarding boys in education, this seems one of the first entrances to the merit system, where it puts you on a specific path that might predict many results faced later in life.
A survey of American teenagers aged 13 to 17 asked about their school experiences and a specific question about how much they believe girls are encouraged and supported more than boys in their schools. The majority of male teenagers agreed that girls in their schools receive greater encouragement and support than boys.
This relates to more disciplinary procedures that boys receive because there is a significant difference in this matter. Boys have enormous energy, especially at ages fifth, sixth, and seventh, and it is difficult for them to control themselves. A story about a friend whose son was in second grade elementary school—he was full of energy. His teacher, an excellent teacher, told him to go and run in the corridor. It might seem like punishment, but in truth, he was not sent to the manager's office, did not miss classes, and was not deprived of messages. She realized he was not trying to create chaos in the class, rather he needed to release his energy.
The modern education system punishes noise and excessive activity and chaos in large study classrooms. It affects boys in exchange for girls. A 10-year-old son finishing elementary school this year had never studied with a male teacher. When it comes to elementary schools, the number of women outnumbers many men. The number of fighter planes in the American air force is four times the number of male kindergarten teachers in America.
Richard Reeves said the important thing is that good role models are needed for boys and girls at every stage—it is extremely important. Gender dynamics are interesting. An ex-girlfriend was a teacher in an elementary school in the United Kingdom, where there were perhaps one or two male teachers in that elementary school. One was a Sikh man in his fifties who would not have had much interest despite his integration into the group. The other was in his late twenties and taught the children, and there were many usual female flirtations in the teachers' room.
When trying to enter any group, which usually mixes with its collection, into a new job field, there is the problem of teamwork. Spending time in a staff room or break room talking about timber warehouse means everyone tells employees they need to go and work at a construction site. Children have been blessed with wonderful teachers, but there is a method that enables understanding and appreciating what students are going through when experiences have been gone through together.
Parents should not be the only role models for children. Community members, neighbors, religious leaders, and teachers all contribute to youth development. This distributed approach to guidance prevents over-reliance on parental dependence alone.
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Many young people are searching for meaning, which lies in relationships. Teenage girls show a decrease in desire to become mothers, though this decrease is less clear among teenage boys. The instinct to desire support and protection remains extremely powerful. Flexibility in understanding meaning is essential, and this does not necessarily mean working 80-hour weeks in a factory followed by being present with children. Clearer guidance for young people is needed, as they are often told what they are doing is wrong or pointless, or that they need to curb their natural drives.
Young women feel less safe than before. Chivalry can be reimagined as a means to guide young men, especially in public spaces. Being an example to follow and a model of safety can involve small and modest actions that make a large collective difference. Everyone discusses a crisis of purpose affecting everyone but especially young people. Civic contribution, even something as simple as being a great person who walks down the street, represents a good starting point.
Both children play a diverse range of sports and have learned significantly from them. Sports provide an important experience for character building. Children show increasing attraction toward video games, which have become truly remarkable. The game "Stickman Fight" involves small stick figures with rifles and swords attempting to kill each other. Four players can participate in this game.
The trend of men withdrawing to work on themselves in a monk-like approach represents the opposite of what men need. From the 1990s to 2020-2021, American friendship studies showed a decline in close friends among Americans, with greater decline among younger groups. Redirection toward social obligations is necessary through scouting, sports, or arts. Providing more social outlets represents a huge issue of importance. Children should have more freedom to browse and connect with peers in their neighborhood. Children spend excessive time by themselves. Video games have transformed from a collective activity to an individual activity, with boys more inclined to play video games than girls, keeping them away from other social interactions.
Male isolation to work on themselves, solitude, and introversion represent improvements to some extent. The ultimate goal should be reintegration into society as an effective human being at a better level. Self-improvement in physical fitness, clothing taste, reading, or emotional regulation serves a purpose, but the most important goal is social integration. Intelligence will not be what allows maximum potential to be achieved. Connection with important people in life enables change and preparation for change. The essence of dating and marriage discussions involves forming through institutions the people in our lives. A good collection of people will help become the best version of oneself.
Economic conditions are important in dating. Men respond to this rationally, seeing that they must work hard and focus on self-improvement to emerge from stagnation as strong men achieving resounding success. Growing up as an only child in working-class cities in northeast England without feeling belonging, the approach of working on oneself first could become an excuse to postpone indefinite social integration. Social issues have become more difficult, especially for young people, with many male-only designated places disappearing. Scouts have now become just Scouts, and barbershops have closed. Fatherless homes lack substitute father figures to spend time with.
Financial situation work is very important in dating. Resources attract more attention on dating platforms that depend on superficial assessments. Dating platforms make it difficult to assess someone's personality online, though visible elements like eating in luxurious restaurants or wearing beautiful clothes create positive impressions. Dependence on others is increasingly treated as weakness or disease, with the perspective that everything needed can be obtained through apps or artificial intelligence.
Young male isolation feels more like withdrawal, while girls feel a degree of independence and liberation. Male isolation appears closer to rejection as a response to feeling surplus. Friendship dynamics between males and females are different. Male friendships are judged by whether friends express love or emotional openness, but men appreciate time spent with friends through activities like fishing, watching matches, or discussing politics. Relationships tend more toward activity than emotion. Men tend to be more satisfied with their current friends, with women who have larger numbers of friends satisfied to the same degree as men with fewer friends.
Men communicate through jokes while women communicate through hugs. These different styles work differently and should not be judged by the same standards. The parental care model viewed the male body as the default setting, with many medications designed around crash test standards. When moving to the world of emotion and communication, the opposite appears true, with the ruling considering gender standards. The most emotionally efficient tends to be women, making male friendships seem incomplete or even cruel.
Different ways exist to measure emotional effort. Helping someone organize their feelings should not be something adults do, as each person should be capable of organizing their own feelings. Being calm and confident when someone goes through emotionally distressed times can be considered emotional effort. Standards for men in the household differ from standards for women, with women's standards in managing the house alone being much closer to what becomes the case when engaged compared to male standards. Standards include expectations about how frequently bed sheets need washing and ironing, whether art paintings need ironing after washing, and how quickly shower door wipers need to be used.
After an hour and a half of podcasts, discussion of these topics becomes difficult without someone objecting from The Guardian, The Times, or TikTok, classifying the speaker as an extreme male chauvinist or far-right follower. Male chauvinists hate the speaker intensely. The only person relied upon in the documentary about patriarchal doctrine was directed by Louis Theroux, who appeared on the day the film was released. Classification as Bernie Sanders, Anna Kasparian, Cinque Uyghur, or Ezra Klein represents people who are not right-wing extremists attempting to disparage women out of hatred for women. Conducting frank discussions about these things carries unbelievable risk because discussions will be cut into clips and posted on social media out of context.
Collective enthusiasm draws people into discussions where seeing one's group under attack creates the need for a crowd. This represents a Rorschach test where the same content can be published and both sides consider it an enemy. Politics plays an extremely important role. Background in political science moved to social topics during the past seven or eight years. In 2022, Gallup data revealed a big discrepancy among young people and young women in their intellectual orientations, with young women becoming more liberal than young men. Research on feminist identity and other aspects showed a continuous and evident gap across various political and cultural standards.
For baby boomer generation, questions about feminist identity show percentages ranging between late thirties and early forties, with a difference of no more than five points. Generation X and millennial generation show higher percentages but no gender gap. For Generation Z, the difference is approximately 15 points, with the majority of Generation Z women being feminists and about 40% of Generation Z men also identifying as feminists. The percentage of men in Generation Z exceeds the percentage of men in the millennial generation at approximately the same ratio, but the percentage of Generation Z women is much higher.
A famous chart spread on the internet shows oscillation over the past fifty years regarding men's and women's tendencies toward right-wing and left-wing positions. Ratios were very close and almost equal in size multiple times, then suddenly the difference became 23, 26, or 30 points. Women became more inclined to the left while men remained relatively stable. Young people are not making a sharp turn to the right. Women are becoming more liberal. A radical change occurred in young women's attitudes toward abortion, especially after the cancellation of Roe versus Wade. The abortion ethics debate represents a more complex issue among this category and even among elected Democratic representatives.
The conversation regarding the issue of abortion was completely different in the nineties. Political leaders widen the gap between the sexes as soon as their apparent support for one side comes at the expense of the other. There is a situation where compromise is not accepted, where ground cannot be found, shared, and compromise cannot be reached. If someone ascends, both sides feel the other has fallen. This was a prominent characteristic in democratic politics, which was intensely focused on class issues and the economy, then transformed to a large extent to talking about cultural issues.
In 2023, looking at the Democratic Party website page "Who We Represent" tab reveals a list that includes approximately 17 different categories, including veterans, immigrants, Americans of African origin, women, and men - notably absent from this list. This appears intentional and indicates that men are not a category that the party defends. Trump is very clear as a man who does not look like he sympathizes greatly with the situation of many young women. Women see in Trump a person who betrayed everyone he married and had sex with a porn actress, along with all the alleged claims of sexual assault.
Young people feel that even Republicans will not regain their trust completely. For a period of time, they believed that Trump is their candidate because he is not part of the corrupt political system - it's almost like he's outside the system. When it comes to the Republican Party and the Democratic Party, one out of every three young men, or perhaps approximately four out of every ten now, say they don't trust anyone from among them. This is one of the side effects of the deluge of information, where the goal is to drown people with conflicting viewpoints, not convince them of any specific viewpoint, but to make them surrender to nihilism.
Certainty is used as an alternative to experience. When someone says something enthusiastically instead of acknowledging "there are some contradictions" or "he was wrong a little," people become confused and unsure of what will happen. When someone comes looking confident, people will pursue him because they think he has the answer. The puzzling thing about the Trump versus Democrats situation is that Trump was the candidate and there was no possibility that Republicans would choose another person, so they are stuck with him.
The neglect of Democrats for men seems like a grave sin they committed themselves. They didn't have a candidate like Kamala Harris or Joe Biden who were so controversial that it was unclear whether some men would find greater difficulty in supporting a black woman. The fact that men were not on the list of 17 groups that the Democratic Party supports indicates they are staying with Trump. Working class children are suffering very strongly, and working class men may have suffered more than working class women in the past few years, where job growth was concentrated in the services sector and healthcare, primarily on women at the expense of men in those communities.
It should be easy if the purpose of existence is defending the marginalized and people who are struggling, but working class children transcend race, class, and religion - they are a unified group through which you can please everyone. During the past twenty years, the composition of the Democratic Party has changed drastically. At least during the past twenty years, the number of women in the Democratic Party outnumbers men. Democrats who define themselves as Democrats form approximately 60% women and 40% men.
The Democratic Party has become more educated, transforming the distribution of university graduates from equal distribution approximately between Republicans and Democrats to greater tendency towards Democrats. One of the reasons for this change is the increasing number of university-educated women in the Democratic Party ranks. One out of every three Democrats is a university-educated woman. Their views on policies differ greatly from other categories when it comes to abortion, reproductive health, climate change, and transgender issues. Diversity of viewpoints within the Democratic Party is not as it was previously.
This applies also to who manages election campaigns and who employs the staff, with many important positions occupied by women who have obtained university degrees. Coming from a typical working class town in the northeast UK, which ranked second in teenage pregnancy rate in the United Kingdom and had the widest commercial street, this was a place where people were addicted to gambling and alcoholics. This environment included government elementary school, government secondary school, and government secondary school, where the speaker was the only person among 300 students in the batch who enrolled in university.
When people from richer backgrounds say "What damn privilege was given to me," they forget the bad weather conditions in northeast UK, taxes, and all that - it's simply clear denial of social class issues unless packaged as something else. The problem with the working class, but the real problem is being an American of African origin, or coming from a single breadwinner family. The real problem is education. Perhaps the educated class, if focus is kept on perhaps more conspiratorial aspects, keeps people preoccupied with sex and other things, so they don't look at the larger problem.
If you are a struggling family trying to provide a livelihood with three-quarters of a person's salary, that's not easy. Coming from a house where bath water was shared to avoid spending a lot of money on heating water twice per bath, this matter was not represented during the decade and a half from childhood until reaching adulthood and understanding of politics. This makes the speaker feel uneasy, and this is the reason for the feeling of many working class children of not belonging.
A large part of frustration when looking at the view of working class children toward the political system and the two parties lies in considering them both as representatives of the elite. Republicans represent financial elites such as bankers, pharmaceutical companies, and pressure groups, while Democrats represent cultural elites like the media, Hollywood, and university professors. The situation looks like a losing one for everyone who doesn't belong to these groups, with the exception of Trump, who was at least a mile to the language of grievance, the language familiar to working class people.
During the election campaign, Trump was seen at McDonald's, wearing a jacket reflecting in a garbage truck, doing these activities as a working man. Assuming Trump will leave office within two years, the Republican Party at that time will re-examine its identity as a party in the post-Trump era. Whether the party will be the one they were talking about in the early days of Trump's presidency - a new multi-party culture representing the working class - is not on this path currently.
The solution to bridge this gap between generations begins with the introduction titled "Reviving Curiosity." One of the most important things that can be talked about with young people is that they do not know what they are unaware of. You cannot know someone's experience through viewing a 30-second video clip or through browsing their Instagram account - you have to talk to them and recognize them.
People are not just stereotypes online, and their positions do not reflect politics. We tend to be different traditionally - if you speak to someone for a while long enough, you will realize that they are republican, but in reality there are many things they care about or see that resembles to a large extent what liberals are thinking. There is a need to talk to people about the importance of direct and effective communication with real people, so whenever more time can be spent with someone, even if only for 90 minutes, identifying their life and asking about what matters to them.
One of the biggest challenges faced is that the spaces we are used to, whether union halls or civil society organizations, have very few remaining. A study conducted before the pandemic and continued two years later asked people if they had something like "the third place" - not their home, not their workplace, but the cafe, bar, or lounge where they can spend time with their neighbors or members of their community. Before the pandemic, most people said yes, they have a place they go to see people and frequent it almost regularly. After the pandemic, this number decreased significantly by about 20 points and has not yet recovered after five or six years.
The urban environment is extremely important. Living in Chevy Chase, Washington, D.C., near school buildings that children frequent, there is also a small market at the corner where pizza and sandwiches can be bought, which serves as a vital center of activity in the entire neighborhood. During some snowstorms about a decade ago, this place served as a central meeting point where people gathered, drank coffee and hot chocolate, and exchanged friendly conversations like elderly neighbors. These spaces are needed because people need outdoor spaces from their homes for gathering with others.
Understanding the three dimensions of this space is extremely important. Seeing hair covering used to protect beverages leads to the realization that it's horrifying to think that people in this world believe girls need to do that. This represents an added burden that is more like individual responsibility rather than collective responsibility. People cannot rely on others, cannot rely on an institution, or on those around them to provide protection. The only person who can provide protection is oneself.
The abundance of these things that everyone is exposed to daily is saddening. Walking around in New York City and being emotionally overwhelmed means not being able to travel a distance of 300 yards before something happens that is supposed to destroy the heart. Seeing a person in desperate need on the street leads to thinking "I thought I would go to the empty street," then meeting a friend just a step away, making it impossible to ignore or not interact with them. This is the reason people have a type of emotional protection where they say "I just can't, there's a limit to what I can tolerate, I have my own problems also."
The less integration, the increased independence, and the inability to rely on someone. The good news is that research shows people misunderstand people's reactions toward them socially. Studies conducted on train passengers who were asked to start a conversation with another passenger found that those who did not want to speak with strangers but when they did, found that those who spoke with a stranger on the train felt more comfortable toward their journey than those who did not. Similarly, another study compared connecting with an old friend through phone call versus sending an email, where most people preferred email over contact, but those who called and spoke with their old friend felt greater comfort and deeper communication.
It does not require radical change in what is done and how it will be done. It is important that the places people go to are designed for social connection. For example, Starbucks now gives priority to car service. Visiting New Jersey and seeing a long queue in front of Starbucks on a highway, upon entering the parking lot was empty, allowing immediate service while there was a long queue of cars on the street. Starbucks was clean and tidy, and coffee was ready because there was no waiting in the queue, but it's sad because cafes are great places for social communication.
Research shows that cafes are one of the places people mentioned wanting to go to and spend time in with others. Designing space to facilitate buying caffeine products is not a perfect use of that space. The book can be reviewed and obtained from Amazon or any other bookstore, and work can be viewed at the Center for American Life Studies.
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